Whenever two people work closely together towards a common goal, feelings of warmth can often arise between them. Sexual attraction between counselor and client has been called the “problem pastors don’t talk about.” Intimate details which would never be discussed between a man and a woman (not married to each other) can be discussed in a counseling session. This can be sexually arousing to both the counselor and the client. The potential for immorality tends to be greater if the client is attractive or tends to be seductive, and the counselor does not have his own sexual needs satisfied elsewhere. Ministries, effectiveness and reputations have been destroyed over this issue.
- Spiritual protection: Meditation on the Word of God, prayer and reliance on the Holy Spirit are all crucially important. In addition, the counselor must watch what he does with his mind. Focus on purity, truth and honor. Don’t make the mistake that, “this sort of thing can’t happen to me.”
- Awareness of danger signals: There are several clues that can indicate a potential shift from counseling professional to dangerous intimacy:
- Communication of subtle messages of a more intimate quality (smiles, raising an eyebrow, physical touches).
- Desire of both persons to maintain the relationship
- Eagerness (especially by the counselee) to divulge details of sexual experiences or fantasies.
- The counselor permitting himself to be manipulated by the counselee.
- The counselor’s recognition that he needs to see the counselee (which is a sign of going under).
- Increasing frustrations in the counselor’s own marriage.
- The lengthening of times and frequency of sessions, sometimes supplemented by phone calls.
- Limit setting: Once detected, the counselor can stop the sessions, make a referral, or possibly discuss these feelings with the client. Before any of this, it is best to set clear limits:
- Prescribe the frequency and length of sessions.
- Refuse to engage in long phone conversations.
- Discourage lengthy discussion of sexual topics.
- Avoid physical contact.
- Meet in a place, and seat yourself in a way which discourages wandering eyes or an opportunity for personal intimacy.
- Examining attitudes: There is nothing to be gained by denying your sexual feelings. They are quite common, but can be controlled. Remember:
- Social consequences: Ruined marriage, reputation, effectiveness.
- Professional image: This will never help your counselee, and will never advance the counselor’s professional work.
- Theological truth: This is sin and must be avoided, and we are responsible for our own behavior.
- Support group protection: A trusted confidant, accountability.
- Spouse: Often this is missed do to embarrassment or fear. There is also support that if a client becomes a threat to one’s marriage, there were underlying problems in the marriage long before the client came along.
- Trusted friend: Accountability.
- The client? Some may interpret this as an invitation, others may talk about this outside of the sessions which could have disastrous results.