Tag: Coping

The Counselor’s Burnout

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We would think that the field of counseling would offer a lifetime of satisfaction and vocational fulfilment. But it is hard work that is emotionally draining and very stressful. Contributing to this are the feelings of futility, powerlessness, fatigue, cynicism, apathy, irritability and frustration. To help prevent burnout, we can utilize these ideas:

  1. Spiritual strength that comes from regular periods of prayer and meditation on the Scriptures.
  2. Support from a few others who accept us for who we are and not what we do. We all need a person to whom we can cry if we need to, a person who we can trust.
  3. Solitude: take time off from the demands of people. Jesus did.
  4. Share the load by training a few capable leaders to be sensitive lay counselors and burden bearers.

If you are burned out already, take the phone off the hook and get away for a time of re-evaluation. Consider your leisure activities. How can you lighten your load and add self-fulfillment and relaxation? We are beings who need both work and rest and play. Otherwise life will become boring and routine.

Homework in Counseling

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Each person has a special way of learning. Some people learn best by hearing (listening to the words of others), some people learn best by seeing (reading books, watching movies, looking at diagrams), while still others learn best by doing (completing projects, participating in role plays, or acting out their feelings).

One session in your office is separated by 167 other hours filled with other activities. Homework assignments are essential to enabling people to extend their learning beyond the counseling sessions and permit seeing and doing in addition to hearing. The word “homework” usually sends a red flag so “task agreement” might be a better term for the client to gain addition information, develop and practice new skills, eliminate harmful behavior, or test what he has learned in counseling.

Some assignments can be: giving one compliment to your wife each day, read a chapter a day in the Bible, spend time with a specific relative, keeping a record of time-use, or making a list of one’s values and priorities. There are basically five types of homework task agreements:

  1. Testing: questionnaires, sentence completion forms, standardized tests, writing assignments, listing life goals; then brought in for discussion.
  2. Discussion and study guides: Sometime these appear in the appendixes of books, but entire volumes have been written to guide home or small group discussions.
  3. Behavior assignments: The person can be encouraged to change their actions in small and important ways between sessions: saying “thank you,” giving periodic compliments, not complaining about an annoying practice by your spouse, getting to work on time.
  4. Reading: Books and articles contain helpful information which can supplement the counseling sessions. There is the danger that the counselee might misinterpret the information or pull it out of context. It is almost impossible to screen all the resources available.
  5. Recordings: Music therapy (the use of music to help people with their problems) is at least as old as David and Saul.

The Counselor’s Vulnerability

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Not every client will be honest and cooperative, and some will be deceptive and manipulative and have a desire to frustrate the counselor. There are two major ways people will attempt to frustrate the counselor:

  1. Manipulation: Some people are masters of getting their own way by controlling others. Sessions might lengthen and become more frequent; one counselor even began to running errands, making phone calls and giving small loans for the counselee, who consistently expressed gratitude and mournfully asked for more. These people have made manipulation a way of life. The counselor must ask, “Am I being manipulated?” “Am I going beyond my responsibilities as a counselor?” “What does the counselee expect from me, or really want?” One must deal with the manipulation and expect their denial of it, then restructure the counseling in a way that prevents this manipulation and exploitation of the counselor in the future.
  2. Resistance: Many people want quick relief, and when they discover it will take time and commitment on their part, they begin to resist. Resistance is a problem that often requires in-depth professional counseling. When a counselor begins to work, a client’s psychological defences are threatened and this leads to anger, anxiety and non-cooperation. When clients are fairly well-adjusted, this resistance can be discussed gently and openly. The client needs to know that he (not the counselor) is ultimately responsible for his improvement.

Crisis Intervention

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There are several goals in crisis counseling:

  1. To help the person cope effectively with the crisis situation to his usual level of functioning.
  2. To decrease anxiety, apprehension and other insecurities that may persist after the crisis has passed.
  3. To teach crisis-solving techniques so the person is better prepared to anticipate and deal with future crises.
  4. To consider biblical teachings about crises so the person learns from the crisis and grows as a result.

The counselor can make a difference during a crisis in several ways:

  1. Make contact: People in a crisis don’t always seek a counselor, so more often we must go to them to show support, warmth, understanding and genuine interest. The person make drift into daydreaming, and eye contact can bring them back to reality. Touching can give reassurance, but one must be cautioned that a hug or hand holding can be interpreted with sexual overtones. Remember to ask about your own motivation for touching. Is it something that can give comfort to your counselee in their crisis?
  2. Reduce anxiety: The counselor’s calm, relaxed manner can help reduce anxiety in the client, especially when the calmness is accompanied by reassurance. Remind the client that there ARE ways to deal with this situation. State your approval of something done effectively. Encourage taking deep breaths, relaxing of muscles, using comforting verses from the Bible as well.
  3. Focus on issues: There are at times a mass of confusing facts and one can be overwhelmed. Which are the real problems and the ones on which need to be worked on first. Focus on the present and not on the possibilities of the future.
  4. Evaluate available resources:
    1. The counselor’s willing to help.
    2. The spiritual resources we have in Christ.
    3. The client’s personal resources: Intellect, skills, past experiences, motivation.
    4. Interpersonal resources: Friends, family.
    5. Tangible help: Medical, legal, psychological, financial and community.
  5. Plan intervention: Deciding on a course of action is very helpful, “What do we do now?” How realistic is the plan? What should be done first? Our goal is not to put more pressure on the client to make these decisions, but also we don’t want them to become dependent on someone else to solve the problem.
  6. Encourage action: It is possible to decide on the plan and be afraid to move out in faith to get it all going. Taking action involves some risk. There is the possibility of failure or later regret. There are some crises that will never be resolved even with action taken: death, terminal illness, failure to get the promotion. They will need help to face the situation honestly and adjust to the reality of it.
  7. Instill hope: This can bring relief from the suffering. It is based on the belief that things will be better in the future. The Christian counselor does this through:
    1. Sharing of Scriptural truth, stimulating faith in God.
    2. Help them to examine their self-defeating logic, like “Ill never get better” and “Nothing can get worse.” These should be gently challenged.
    3. You can get the counselee moving and doing something, even if it is minimal activity can bring hope in the steps toward the goal.
  8. Environmental intervention: Encouraging others to pray, give money or supplies, give practical help or otherwise assist. The client might feel embarrassed by the attention, or threatened by the implication that they need help. They might even become angry with the counselor.
  9. Follow-up: Crisis counseling in short-lived. The time moves on, and we wonder if anything has been learned? Will the next crisis be handled effectively? Is the person getting along satisfactorily?

The Crisis in Counseling

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A crisis is an event or situation that threatens our psychological equilibrium. They are expected or unexpected, real or imagined, actual (as a loved one has died) or potential (as is appears that a loved one might die). Someone has noted that the Chinese word for crisis is made up of two characters: one means “danger” and the other “opportunity.”

  1. Danger: This is because it threatens to overwhelm the person. It involves the sudden shift of roles, or a significant loss. Due to the intensity of the situation, the customary methods of handling stress no longer work, which leads to frustration and bewilderment, anxiety, anger, discouragement, sorrow or guilt.
  2. Opportunity: Counseling offers a chance to grow, change and develop better ways of coping.

The Bible and Crises Types:

Much of the Bible is concerned with people in crises: Adam, Eve, Cain, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Joseph, Moses, Samson, Saul, David, Elijah, Daniel and on and on. Several letters were written to help people going through crises. There can be identified three types of crises:

  1. Accidental or situational crises: Sudden threat or unexpected loss occurs (death, pregnancy, social disruptions like war or economic depression, loss of a house or savings, sudden loss of respect or status).
  2. Developmental crises: Occurs in the course of normal human development (start in a new school, going away to college, adjusting to marriage then parenthood, handling criticism, facing retirement, declining health).
  3. Existential crises: The are changes in self-perception, which can be denied temporarily but must eventually be faced realistically. They overlap the above but come when we are forced to face such disturbing truths:
    1. I’m a failure.
    2. I’m too old to reach my goals.
    3. I’ve been passed over for the promotion, again.
    4. Now I’m a widow, single again.
    5. My life has no purpose or meaning.
    6. My illness in incurable.
    7. My house and possession were destroyed in the fire.
    8. I’ve been rejected because of my skin color.

Think of Elijah’s great victory at Carmel and then his emotional state afterwards; Jonah and his thoughts; the calamities of Job.

The Counselor’s Motivation

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Why do you want to counsel others? Many pastors have been thrust in to the work by people who have come unsolicited for help with their problems. A valid reason could be a sincere desire to help people grow, but there are poor reasons:

  1. The need for information, curiosity: a curious counselor will often forget the needs of the client.
  2. The need for relationships: The counselor’s need for close friends and seeking to find them in a counseling situation will hinder the helping. Improvement and termination is not the priority for the counselor. Friends don’t often make the best counselors, either.
  3. The need for power: An authoritarian counselor wants to “straighten out” others and give advice, playing the role of “problem solver.” Most people will eventually resist his type, even if they like the security at first.
  4. The need to rescue: The rescuer takes away the responsibility from the client by demonstrating an attitude which says, “You can’t handle this. let me do this for you.” This could be called the “do good messiah” approach. It may satisfy for a while, but rarely helps in the long run.

The Counselor’s Ethics

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There are professional organizations that have ethical codes of conduct to protect the public from unethical practices. The Christian counselor will hold to these and keep in mind that he has a higher standard to whom he is accountable. As a servant of God, you have a responsibility to live, act and counsel in accordance with spiritual principles; as a people-helper you have a responsibility to your client’s welfare; as a citizen and a member of society you have a responsibility to obey governmental authorities and contribute to the good of society. Ethical problems arise when values conflict and different decisions must be made. Consider these:

  1. A client reveals that he has broken the law and intends to harm someone else. Do you inform the police or the intended victim?
  2. The daughter of the church chairman reveals that she is pregnant and intends to have an abortion. What do you do with that information?
  3. A young man wants help gaining self-confidence around women so he can more comfortably encourage his girl friends to have sexual intercourse with him. What is you responsibility as a counselor who believes premarital sex is wrong?
  4. A seminary graduate seeking a pastoral placement reveals in counseling that he is a practicing homosexual. As a church member do you reveal this or do you say nothing when completing a recommendation form?

The counselor is committed to keeping information confidential, except for when the welfare of the client or some other person is at stake. Some information must be shared with governmental authorities, although this should never be done without the client’s knowledge. The counselor must also refrain from test administration and interpretation, giving medical or legal advice, or otherwise offering services for which he is neither trained nor qualified.

The Process of Counseling

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Counseling is a step by step process much like baking a cake, or changing a tire. One must always remember that each person is unique with his problems, attitudes, values, expectations and experiences. There are various steps…

  1. To build and maintain a counseling relationship.
  2. To clarify issues and determine how the problems can be handled.
  3. To decide on a course of action.
  4. To stimulate the client to act.
  5. To evaluate progress and deciding on subsequent actions.
  6. To terminate the counseling relationship by encouraging and guiding the client to launch out without the counselor’s continuing help.

The Techniques of Counseling

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Counseling is primarily a relationship in which one person, the helper, seeks to assist another human being with the problems of living. Unlike other relationships, this one is characterized by of clear purpose of helping. The helper’s needs are mostly met elsewhere and he or she does not depend on the client for love or affirmation. One must step out of your own situation and become aware of the client’s needs, and communicate both an understanding and willingness to help.

1. Attending: undivided attention to the client, through…

  1. Eye contact: looking without staring in a way to convey concern.
  2. Posture: relaxed, not tense, leaning toward the client.
  3. Gestures: natural, not excessive or distracting.
  4. Alertness to inner distractions: fatigue, impatience, preoccupation with other matters, daydreaming, and restlessness.

2. Listening: It is more than just the reception of information; one might want to jump into advice-giving and excessive talking, which will prevent the client from really opening up to his feelings and thoughts. Advice is seldom heard and less likely followed. Talking more than listening is a sign of one’s own insecurities or of an inability to handle ambiguous, threatening or emotional situations.

  1. Awareness of one’s own conflicts, to avoid a negative reaction.
  2. Avoiding subtle verbal or nonverbal expressions of judgment.
  3. Waiting patiently through periods of silence or tears.
  4. Hearing not only what the persons says, but what he tries to say.
  5. Use ears and eyes to detect the tone or posture with the spoken message.
  6. Scanning one’s own reaction to the client.
  7. Avoid looking away from the client as he or she speaks.
  8. Sitting still, to not be distractive.
  9. Limit the number of mental excursions into one’s own fantasies.
  10. Control one’s feelings that interfere with an accepting, sympathetic, nonjudgmental attitude.
  11. Realizing that accepting the counselee is possible with condoning attitudes and behavior destructive of the client or others.

3. Responding: Jesus was a good listener (like with those on the Emmaus Road) but His helping was characterized by action and specific verbal responses.

  1. Leading: The counselor slightly anticipates the client’s direction of thought and responds in a way that redirects the conversation. “Can you elaborate on…?” “What happened then?” “What did you mean by…?”
  2. Reflecting: This is a way of letting the counselee know that you are “with them” and you understand how the counselee must be feeling or thinking. “You must feel…” or “I bet that was frustrating.” Avoid stereotypical phrases like, “You must think…” or “What I hear you saying is…” A brief summary of what has been going on can be reflective, and will stimulate more conversation.
  3. Questioning: Offer open-ended questions that require the counselee to give more than a single sentence answer. “Tell me about your marriage” is better than “Are you happy in your marriage.” Questions beginning with the word “why” should be avoided since they will tend to either sound judgmental, or stimulate long intellectual discussions which avoid coming to grips with real feelings or hurts.
  4. Confronting: This is presenting some idea to the client that he or she might not see otherwise. clients can be confronted with sin, failures, inconsistencies, or self-defeating behavior and encouraged to change their attitudes or behavior. This is best done in a loving, gentle, nonjudgmental manner. Nevertheless, it will often bring anger, guilt and resistance, or it could lead to confession and forgiveness.
  5. Informing: This involves giving facts to people in need of information, which is different from the counselor giving his opinion or advice. Advice-givers often lack enough knowledge of a situation to give competent advice, and that advice encourages the client to become dependent upon the counselor. If the advice doesn’t work, the counselor is the one who is made to feel the responsibility for giving bad advice.
  6. Interpretation: This involves explaining to the client what his or her behavior or other events mean. This can help the person see himself as he has not before. This can be harmful if the person is not emotionally prepared for the interpretation, or if the interpretation is wrong. Present the interpretation in a tentative way “Could it be that…” and allow the client time to respond.
  7. Supporting and encouraging: When people are burdened by needs and conflicts they can benefit from the stability and care of an empathetic person who shows acceptance and can give reassurance. It is includes guiding the client to take an inventory of his or her own spiritual and psychological resources, encouraging action and helping with any problems or failures that may come as a result of this action.

4. Teaching: All of these techniques are really specialized forms of psychological education. The counselor teaches the client by guiding him or her on how to cope with life’s problems. This sort of teaching is more effective when addressing specific situations: “How can I control my temper when I am criticized by my wife?” is better then the nebulous, “I want to be happier.” A powerful learning tool use by counselors is immediacy, which involves the ability of the counselor and the client to discuss directly and openly what is happening in the here-and-now of their relationship. “I feel very frustrated with you right now,” or “I’m getting angry because I feel you are putting me down,” are responses of immediacy, an on the spot expression of how one feels in a given situation.

The Counselor’s Characteristics

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Hospital studies have shown that patients improved when their therapist demonstrated levels of warmth, genuineness and accurate empathic understanding. Patients grew worse when their counselors lacked these qualities. Similar findings are shown in clients who are not hospitalized.

1. Warmth: This implies caring, respecting and possessing a sincere, non-smothering concern for the client, regardless for his or her actions or attitudes. Jesus showed this for the woman at the well.

2. Genuineness: This implies that the counselor is “for real.” He would be open, sincere, and avoids phoniness or playing a superior role. It involves honesty without cruel confrontation. The person is not thinking or feeling one thing and saying another.

3. Empathy: What does the person really think? How does the person feel inside? What are the person’s values, beliefs, inner conflicts and hurts? A good counselor is sensitive to these issues, able to understand them and effective in communicating this understanding (using words or gestures) to the client. The counselor must “feel with” the client in order to move toward accurate empathic understanding. It is possible to help people even if we don’t understand, but this quality always increases the counselor’s effectiveness.

4. Others are helpful: able to get along; absence of immobilizing conflicts, hang-ups, insecurities or personal problems; compassionate, interested in people; alert to his own feelings and motives; more self-revealing than self-concealing; knowledgeable in the field of counseling. Love is NOT enough. Discipline and structure are also important factors.