Category: Sexual Abuse

Many children do not know they have permission to take action to protect themselves. They don’t realize what is happening, and they become too frightened to react quickly. Since most children are taught to obey authority figures, they need to be empowered to protect themselves. The following statements can instill confidence and build assertiveness in a young heart and help the child to resist inappropriate sexual advances.

Permission to Say NO!

• “God loves you and made your body with a special plan and purpose.”
• “If you are asked to do something you think is wrong, I expect you to say NO even to an older relative or friend of the family.” (Role-play saying no in a firm assertive voice.)
• “Your body belongs to you, and you decide who touches it.”
• “The parts of your body covered by a bathing suit are private.”
• “Never allow anyone other than your doctor to touch your private parts, and then only for medical reasons.”
• “If someone tries to touch your private parts, scream and run to a safe place.”
• “If someone touches your private parts and says that it’s okay, they are wrong! You must tell me or someone you trust.”
• “If a person does not stop touching you, say, ‘I’ll tell if you don’t stop!’ Then tell me or someone else when you are safe.”
• “If someone threatens you, do not be afraid, tell anyway.”
• “If you are asked to keep the touching a secret, tell anyway.”
• “If the person you tell does not believe you, keep telling no matter how embarrassed you feel … keep telling until someone believes you.”
• “Pray for a safe adult you can trust—someone to help you who is not a member of your family.”

“If sinners entice you, do not give in to them.” (Proverbs 1:10)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Many victims have experienced an emotional block, but the Bible offers this promise to all who have suffered such a heartbreaking travesty: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

Key Verse to Memorize: “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2)

Key Passage to Read and Reread: Psalm 55

Key Prayers for Developing Trust (Psalm 55)

• God, I appeal to You. Psalm 55:1
• I am troubled and distraught. Psalm 55:2
• I suffer at the voice and the stares of my abuser. Psalm 55:3
• My heart is in anguish, and I am terrified. Psalm 55:4
• Fear and horror have overwhelmed me. Psalm 55:5
• How I long to escape far from the tempest and storm! Psalm 55:6-8
• I see the violence and strife. Psalm 55:9
• I know the malice and abuse. Psalm 55:10
• I hear the threats and lies. Psalm 55:11
• I feel absolutely betrayed. Psalm 55:12-14
• Deal with my betrayer as his evil demands. Psalm 55:15
• I call upon You, and You save me. Psalm 55:16
• I am distressed, and You hear me. Psalm 55:17
• I am opposed, and You ransom me. Psalm 55:18
• You know all about my abuser and will punish him. Psalm 55:19
• My betrayer attacks those close to him. Psalm 55:20
• He is a smooth talker whose words can’t be trusted. Psalm 55:21
• I cast my cares on You, Lord, for You will sustain me. Psalm 55:22
• You won’t let me fall. Psalm 55:22
• You will bring judgment upon my betrayer. Psalm 55:23
• I choose to put my trust in You! Psalm 55:23

Do’s and Don’ts of Awareness

Don’t be like an ostrich, hiding your head in the sands of denial. Although it is terribly hard to do, facing the truth that child abuse is taking place is the first step to healing.

“When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.” (Proverbs 21:15)

Do This

• Be aware … child abuse is illegal, a crime, and must be reported.
• Be aware … children are usually abused by people they know.
• Be aware … children seldom lie about abuse.
• Be aware … most often, physical abuse is violent, but sexual abuse may not be.
• Be aware … children may deny or change their stories because of fear.
• Be aware … sexual abuse is progressive and will get worse, if not stopped.

Don’t do This

• Be in denial, no matter how difficult it is to believe.
• Assume that if it happened only once, it is not serious.
• Minimize the abuse.
• Let the offender go without confrontation.
• Blame other family members.
• Keep abuse a “family secret.”
• What Do You Do?

If You Suspect Child Abuse …

• Seek the help of a professional who is trained to work with children.
• To verify or to relieve your suspicions
• Contact a child advocacy program to discuss your concerns privately.
• Consider having someone there do an evaluation of the child and make recommendations as to a course of action.
• To further inform yourself (not in the presence of the child)
• Contact Child Protective Services.
• Contact a Family Attorney.
• Contact a shelter for women and children.
• Contact a pastor or spiritual leader.
• Contact the local police or a law enforcement agency.
• Contact the local District Attorney’s office.

“A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength; for waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers.” (Proverbs 24:5–6)

If a Child Discloses Abuse …

• Stay calm.
• Take time to sensitively answer any questions from the child.
• Be available to the child at all times.
• Remain with the child—leave the child only with another adult whom you and the child trust.
• Respect the privacy of the child from those who have no need to know.
• Make no promises you can’t keep—such as, “Your mom won’t be angry” or “He won’t get into trouble.”
• Explain that the law enforcement agencies must be informed and what will happen next.
• Be prepared to provide protection, arrange for a medical exam and obtain professional counseling.

“We urge you … encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

If You See Questionable Marks on a Child’s Body …

• Take the child to a pediatrician or the local hospital emergency room for immediate examination and documentation.
• Relate why you suspect possible child abuse, and state that a child abuse case should be turned over to a caseworker.
• Ask for a copy of the medical report in writing and for copies of photographs if they are taken. (An attorney can subpoena them.)
• Keep a paper trail of all contacts you make: calls, reports and photographs.
• If a caseworker’s file disappears, supply duplicates of your copies of photographs and reports.
• Follow up with caseworkers on a regular basis, asking about the status of the case and how you can be of assistance.
• If the local services are not responsive, keep appealing to higher authorities by contacting a state agency or federal agency.

“Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men … who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.” (1 Peter 2:13–14)

Surface the Secret

Victims of childhood sexual abuse are in bondage to “the secret.” Revealing the truth is the only strategy for breaking the power of the secret. To open the hearts of victims, give them loving care and compassion that springs from the Spirit of God.

• Pray for supernatural wisdom from God.
• Provide a safe atmosphere.
• Ask if the child is experiencing something uncomfortable or confusing.
• Listen, reflect and observe carefully.
• Be cautious about asking “leading questions.” Let the authorities ask most of the questions to determine the truth.
• Communicate that you believe the child.
• Acknowledge that the offender is wrong.
• Give assurance that the child is not to blame.
• Confirm that “telling” is the right thing to do.
• Provide a safe atmosphere by displaying genuine love and compassion.

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” (Proverbs 20:5)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

For a number of reasons, most abused children never share “the secret” of their abuse. And when they do … it’s usually many years later! They protect their perpetrators because:

• They feel guilty (false guilt), assuming the sexual encounter is their fault.
• They feel love and loyalty for the abuser.
• They fear the one they tell may respond with disbelief and denial, or horror and judgment.
• They feel no need to tell because the trauma caused dissociation, resulting in no memory of abuse.
• They fear the abuser’s authority and power.
• They feel threatened by the abuser.
• They fear what will happen to the abuser.
• They feel obligated to the abuser.
• They feel no one cares because no one asks!

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.” (Proverbs 18:15)

After an act of sexual abuse, the villain fears being found out. He seeks to shift the blame to the victim by unloading a truck full of guilt. This strategy is a perverted game.

Most games are fun, and most games require some level of strategy. In the case of child abuse, perpetrators use one of the most powerful strategies in existence—guilt. In fact, most perpetrators possess an expertise at playing the guilt game … a game of deceit. For victims, this game is not fun—it is evil.

“Deceit [is] in the hearts of those who plot evil.” (Proverbs 12:20)

• “If you share our secret, it will break my heart.”
• “If you share our secret, Mother’s feelings will be so hurt.”
• “If you share our secret, they won’t let me see you again.”
• “If you share our secret, Mommy won’t understand and will leave us.”
• “If you share our secret, your mother will divorce me.”
• “If you share our secret, our family will be destroyed.”
• “If you share our secret, I’ll tell them you wanted it.”
• “If you share our secret, I’ll say you started it … it’s your fault.”
• “If you share our secret, I won’t love you any more.”
• “If you share our secret, I’ll kill you … I’ll kill myself.”

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

There are Emotional Signs of Abuse

• Anxiety or panic attacks
• Apathy
• Confused sexual identity
• Depression
• Excessive need for love and attention
• Emotional withdrawal, introversion
• False guilt
• Fear of authority figures
• Fear of going to bed, nightmares or other sleep disturbances
• Fear of intimacy
• Inability to concentrate in school
• Low self-worth
• Mistrust
• Psychoneurosis (hysteria, phobias, obsessions, compulsions)
• Regression to an earlier phase of development (baby-like) or pseudo-mature (adult-like) behavior
• Self-consciousness and insecurity
• Self-destructive behavior
• Splitting off into different personalities (DID—Dissociative Identity Disorder)
• Shame
• Unexplained mood changes
• Unpredictable anger, aggression, rage

There are Physical Signs of Abuse

• Abdominal pain
• Bed-wetting, change in toilet habits
• Complaints of sickness or frequent headaches
• Failure to accomplish simple tasks
• Genital itching, yeast or bladder infections
• Habit disorders (severe biting, thumb-sucking, rocking)
• Memory loss
• Masturbation, excessive or in public
• Obsessive washing and cleaning
• Pain when urinating
• Premarital pregnancy
• Sad facial expressions or frequent crying
• Self-mutilation (self-injury—a cutter)
• Sitting or walking difficulties
• Suicidal gestures
• Torn, stained or blood-spotted underpants
• Undernourished appearance
• Vaginal or rectal pain, swelling, bruises or bleeding
• Vaginal/penile discharge
• Venereal disease

There are Social Signs Abuse

Victims usually have difficulty developing healthy habits and relationships, struggling in several of the following areas:

• Abnormal expression of sexuality in writing, drawing or playing
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Antisocial behavior, defiance, problems with authority and rules
• Arriving early, staying late at school or another safe place
• Avoidance of specific people or situations
• Deep fear of saying no to adults
• Defensive reaction to touch
• Dependent, clinging behavior
• Eating disorders
• Excessive compliance (inability to set personal boundaries)
• Exclusive relationship with an older person
• Extreme modesty, reluctance to change clothes in front of others
• Fear of sleepovers
• Poor peer relationships
• Premature sexual knowledge or behavior
• Promiscuity or seductive behavior with older males
• Running away
• Secretive
• Sexually abusing another child
• Sudden drop in school performance or activities
• Taking on a parental role

There are Spiritual Signs of Abuse

Children who are victimized generally struggle with some of the following obstacles to their spiritual growth:

• Warped negative perceptions of God
• Anger at God because He did not stop the abuse
• Distrusting God for allowing the abuse
• Feeling rejected by God and unworthy
• Fearing God’s anger and displeasure
• Projecting the attributes of the abuser onto God
• Possessing a knowledge of God but have little personal experience of God’s love and grace
• Difficulty forming an intimate relationship with God
• Rejecting God or seeking to gain God’s approval through achieving high levels of performance in church related activities

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

If you were abused as a child, your challenge is to move from victim to victor, from survivor to conqueror through the indwelling power of Christ.

Victim: The victim who continues to feel like a victim into adulthood is living with a “victim mentality”—still feeling powerless and therefore acting powerless. Typically moving from one abusive relationship to another, this victim lives in denial, refuses to face the secret of the past and possesses no knowledge of how to receive help and healing.

Survivor: The survivor is aware of the need for facing the past. With complete honesty, the survivor takes action to deal with debilitating issues such as false guilt and shame, anger and unforgiveness, loneliness and grief, personal sin and repentance.

Conqueror: The conqueror is victorious over the past and no longer in bondage to the memories of the abuser or of the abuse. Through an intimate relationship with Christ, giving Him full control, the conqueror grows in self-worth, vulnerability and the capacity to experience authentic love and intimacy with others. Ultimately the desire to reach out and minister to others becomes reality.

The Bible reveals our hope for victory: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Typically, childhood sexual abuse is not a onetime, isolated incident, but rather a premeditated plan resulting in repeated abuse by a perpetrator. While the details of each victimization are different, perpetrators follow a typical course of behavior: intentionally seducing and then stimulating, silencing and then suppressing the victim. Once the victim is suppressed, the child loses all hope.

Seduction: The perpetrator emotionally seduces the child by developing intimacy, progressively building trust and giving pleasure. This is accomplished by becoming an attentive friend, showing preferential treatment, giving money, gifts, bribes or rewards.

Stimulation: The child feels pleasure in physical touch that seems appropriate, affirming and warm (playful wrestling and tender touching such as hugs and gentle back rubs). Over time the child becomes desensitized and vulnerable to a progression of more advanced sexual activity. The increased physical encroachment may not be enjoyable, but the increased sexual stimulation can be enjoyable. (By God’s design, the body naturally responds to sexual stimulation. While children eventually feel conflicted over the mixture of pain and pleasure, no guilt should ever be attributed to the child—the guilt belongs to the abuser alone.)

Silence: The perpetrator moves to ensure the victim’s silence through intimidation and fear-inducing threats. A warped sense of loyalty has already been cultivated within the child through special attention, gifts and privileges. Although the abuse may be a onetime event or continue for years, few victims ever tell. The destructive secret remains imbedded for years in a quagmire of ambivalent feelings such as love and hate, pleasure and shame, tenderness and terror. They feel rage at the reality of being in the relationship and rage at the possibility of losing the relationship. Meanwhile, abusers are keenly aware of their power over their innocent prey.

Suppression: When no one rescues the child from the abusive relationship, the child feels doubly betrayed. Any hope of ever being “saved” by anyone, including God, is destroyed. The child, feeling no choice but to bow to the supreme power of the perpetrator, slips quietly into enslavement. Then, when hopelessness reigns, the soul is suppressed and the light within the spirit is snuffed out.

The Bible describes men of deception: “There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course and does not reject what is wrong.” (Psalm 36:1–4)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Who are the people who do such things to children?

Adult Seducer of Children

• Familial: The most frequent villains of children in their own families are fathers and stepfathers. They either prefer sex with children or use their own children just because they are available.
• Preferential: Referred to as a pedophile, this is a person who is significantly older than the child and who demonstrates a compulsive preference for prepubescent children with little or no sexual interest in peers. Pedophiles primarily victimize non-family members. Pedophiles who abuse non-family members average 90 victims, whereas pedophiles who abuse family members average two victims.
• Situational: This sexual perpetrator does not have a true preference for children, but rather engages in sex with a child just because the child is available or to seek revenge. Angry, bored or feeling powerless, this villain is looking for anyone to sexually violate, and children often fit the situation.

Adult Rapist of Children:

The most dangerous of child abusers is the rapist, who is usually a person significantly older than the child and who commits cruel, violent acts. The rape of one particular child is usually a onetime incident.

Child Perpetrator of Children:

The child perpetrator is a minor who sexually violates a younger child. Typically, these villains have been abused as children and, as a result, have learned to abuse other children in the same way.

The Bible reveals the intent of the villain: “A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.” (Proverbs 26:24–26)

Look at the parents of the victims, those who fail to protect their children:

Permissive Parent: One of the primary roles of parents is to protect their children from harm. Permissive parents fail in this most basic duty. They not only permit their children to be abused, but also appear to favor the guilty over the innocent. Surprisingly, victims often feel far more anger toward their permissive parent than toward the actual perpetrator.

Passive Parent: Usually a mother, the passive parent gives silent consent to sexual abuse by ignoring it. Most often she feels powerless to protect herself or her children. She victimizes her child by withholding physical protection and doubly victimizes her child by withholding emotional support.

Preoccupied Parent: Preoccupied parents are so absorbed in their own personal lives or their own emotional problems that they fail to protect their children. They lack the sensitivity and discernment needed to see the signs of a child in distress.

Prideful Parent: Prideful parents cannot or will not believe that sexual abuse could exist within their “picture perfect” home. Their self-centered pride prevents them from taking their own child’s word that such a travesty has happened.

The Bible chastises protectors of the guilty, those who fail to protect the innocent: “It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the innocent of justice.” (Proverbs 18:5)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Consider these criteria of victims of childhood sexual abuse:

• A child victim of sexual abuse is any boy or girl under the age of eighteen who has suffered a single experience or many experiences of sexual abuse.
• A child in legal terms is referred to as a “minor.”
• A child (minor) is defined as a person under the age of eighteen.
• A child victim of sexual abuse is overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness.
  • A child has no choice about being abused.
  • A child does not have the ability to stop the abuse.
  • A child is defenseless against the emotional pain.
  • A child feels helpless and totally alone.

The Bible is not silent about God’s concern for victims: “You, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.… You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.” (Psalm 10:14, 17)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Childhood sexual abuse is an umbrella term that covers a variety of direct and indirect sexually inappropriate actions with children for the sexual gratification of an older child or adult. Such exploitation is like a violent storm that leaves a chilling aftermath of fear and devastation.

Indirect Sexual Abuse: As a child, were you …

• Stared at while undressing, bathing or urinating? (voyeurism)
• Intentionally exposed to the nudity of or made to bathe with someone much older than you? (exhibitionism)
• Made to listen to sexual talk? (lewdness)
• Shown sexual pictures, magazines, videos or movies? (pornography)
• Made to pose for sexual photographs, videos or movies? (child pornography)
• Made to sexually stimulate yourself with another person observing you? (masturbation)
• Teased or ridiculed about your body or made to feel you were a sex object? (psychological sexual abuse)

Direct Sexual Abuse: As a child, were you …

• Touched or caressed in sexually sensitive areas or bathed in a way that felt sexually intrusive? (fondling)
• Kissed in a sexual way? (intimate kissing)
• Made to touch the sexual parts of another person? (fondling)
• Made to perform oral sex? (oral genital contact)
• Manipulated or forced into unwanted sexual intercourse or anal sex? (penetration/rape)
• Made to engage in satanic ritualistic abuse and sexual torture? (SRA)
• Subjected to the painful use of objects on your sexual parts? (sadism)

The Bible promises justice and hope: “What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted. When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.” (Proverbs 10:24–25)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Childhood sexual abuse is any physical, visual or verbal interaction with a minor by an older person whose purpose is sexual stimulation or sexual satisfaction.

• Abuse means mistreatment, using something or someone in an inappropriate manner.
• Abuse is intentional, not accidental.
• Abuse results in emotional, mental and/or physical harm.

The word abuse in Hebrew is chalal, which means “to do harm, to defile.”

Who does this? Sexual abuse of a child is almost always committed by someone the child knows or with whom the child has frequent contact, such as: family member, family friend, babysitter, teacher, doctor, institutional worker, mother’s live-in boyfriend or transient suitor, neighbor, coach, church leader, older friend, playmate’s older siblings, daycare worker.

The Bible is not silent about inappropriate sexual interaction: “He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.” (Psalm 10:9)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.