Category: Relationships

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 05

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Day Five: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

Even during these 30 days when you, and hopefully your wife, are both working to build up and encourage one other, you might find yourselves in a debate, a discussion, or an all-out battle that leaves one or both of you angry and upset.

Charles Schultz, the creator of the Peanuts cartoon, once said that “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” That philosophy might work with puppies, but it certainly doesn’t work in marriage.

The inability to say you’re sorry often stems from pride, pride that keeps you from saying you were wrong and that you just might have to change your thoughts or actions in a particular area.

Think over the events of the day, the week, or even past weeks and honestly consider if there is something for which you need to say “I’m sorry.”

If you or your spouse are angry about something that happened today, do not go to sleep tonight until the issue has been put out in the open and discussed. You may not be able to resolve it all tonight, but neither should you let the sun go down while you are angry in hopes of the issue resolving itself while you sleep.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 04

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Day Four: May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

How are you doing with your commitment to say only good things about your wife and to others about your wife? Did you catch yourself starting to say something negative and then stopping? Did you falter and let something slip? Did you have a thought about your wife’s actions or attitude that would not be pleasing to her or to God?

Recommit yourself to the ground rules of the 30 Day Challenge:

You can’t say anything negative about your wife… to your wife… or to anyone else about your wife.
Say something that you admire or appreciate about your wife… to your wife… or to someone else about your wife every day.

In fact, let’s go one step beyond recommitting to the ground rules and intentionally say something positive about your wife to someone else while she is listening. I am not talking about mere flattery; I mean a real, honest compliment that will tell someone else and your wife how much you appreciate her.

You do not have to come up with something new that you’ve never thought of, although there’s nothing wrong with that. You can choose one of the items from Day One or from the list of chores that your wife normally takes care of and tell someone how your wife makes your home and your life special when she can conveniently “overhear” what you are saying.

After she gets over the surprise, you will see a smile on her face you haven’t seen in a long time.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 03

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Day Three: And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

OK, you’ve done some talking and you’ve done some playing, now it’s time to put your words into action.

What can you do to help your wife today? Do the dishes need washed? Does the laundry need folded and put away? Do the kids need baths? Can you cook?

Even just a few minutes of your time to help your wife complete the tasks before her will go a long way to encourage her and make her feel loved.

Let your wife know how much you appreciate all that she does and ask her what she needs help with the most today – and do it as unto the Lord, giving thanks and without grumbling.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 02

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Day Two: A happy heart makes the face cheerful. Proverbs 15:13

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” George Bernard Shaw

How did you do with your list of things you admire about your wife? Did you start off slow and gain momentum? Did you find it hard to come up with even one thing to be thankful for? I certainly hope not!

As a husband and wife live together on a daily basis, taking care of the kids, the house, the pets, the bills, and everything else that goes into daily life, we tend to forget to have fun together – to play.

Ask your wife to join you outside to play frisbee or go for a walk or look at the stars. Take her out for coffee and enjoy the drive. Do something together that you enjoyed while you were dating.

I know you love your kids and you love spending time with them, but you need to take time to spend time with each other without the kids to remember what it feels like to be Bill and Nancy or Ted and Alice, not just Mom and Dad.

Sure the bills and the dishes and the tax forms all need your attention, but take time to enjoy being friends, not just husband and wife or Mom and Dad.

Today’s assignment for encouraging your wife is to do something fun together today that will make you forget the cares of the world and make you feel like young lovers again.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 01

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I found something interesting that the Men of Steel can do over the next 30-day period. This 30-day challenge might take you down paths you haven’t been before. It will require contemplation, vulnerability, and action. Some steps along the way may be scary because you haven’t thought these thoughts or spoken these words in a long time, but the thoughts and feelings are there and both you and your wife need to hear and experience them.

For the next 30 days, these two ground rules will be the basis of your relationship with your wife:

  1. You can’t say anything negative about your wife… to your wife… or to anyone else about your wife.
  2. Say something that you admire or appreciate about your wife… to your wife… or to someone else about your wife every day.

Keep track, mentally if not in written form, of the changes that you see take place in your wife, your marriage, and your home as you take part in this 30 Day Wife Encouragement Challenge.

Day One: The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ Genesis 2:18

As a Christian, you must know that men and women bring to the marriage different strengths, gifts, and outlooks on life and love. Think about some ways that your wife is “good for you,” ways in which she makes you and/or your life better. Is she the one that brings color to your life by decorating the home and making it enjoyable to come home? Does she inspire you to try new things that you wouldn’t have tried otherwise? Do you still get that warm, gushy feeling when she looks at you and smiles to tell you that she is glad you chose her?

  1. Make a list of ways your life is better because of your wife.
  2. Share the list with your wife and tell her how good it is that she is your helper and that you are not alone.

These words, coming from the most important man in her life, will bring great joy and encouragement to your wife.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

God Wrestles with You… Alone

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The Men of Steel looked into this topic; how often do we wrestle with God?

  1. The Enemy within Me
  2. God Sparing Your Life
  3. Refuse to be a Target
  4. God Wrestles with You… Alone
  5. Why Does God Wrestle with Men?
  6. The Reality of the Spirit Realm

I am still fascinated and challenged by the wrestling match between God and Jacob, the father of the twelve sons of Israel (Genesis 32:22-28).

I feel that God encounters men in a lonely place where He can deal with us personally. He wants to be alone with us, rather than in the context of cliques and clubs that can keep us from hearing Him at all. When God gets a man to the point of dealing with the deep issues of life, He does so one-on-one. It’s just you and God.

Ask yourself, “Who are you really?” When nobody’s looking … when you aren’t “prepared,” when all the camouflage has been removed, when you don’t have an ego to defend or anything to prove, when you aren’t concerned about your status? Who are you?

When God is ready to do open-heart surgery, He brings you to an “alone” place. Nobody invites a guest into an operating room, and neither does God. His work on you will be done in private.

When God begins to move in your life, you may feel very uncomfortable. I believe the first response of any man at that time is to surround themselves with more people. We feel restless, frustrated, and lonely in our spirits. We feel a greater need to have somebody with us, to protect us, shield us, walk with us, and encourage us. We will soon discover that the presence of other people doesn’t meet the deep longing we have. The loneliness and restlessness we feel in our spirits is God’s call on our lives. He is reeling us in for our one-on-one encounter with Him.

  • You can be surrounded by people … and still be alone.
  • You can have sex with your wife … and still be alone.
  • You can have dozens of close friends … and still be alone.
  • You can have hundreds of friends on Facebook … and still be alone.

It’s like we finally admit that we are lonely and need something that other people can’t provide, and then we discover we need Someone to fill a part of us that nobody else seems to be able to fill—that’s when God steps in.

I suppose that when we feel alone, it means that somebody we thought we could count on for protection has disappeared. We feel isolated, separated, and alone. When we feel left alone, our hope is usually that someone will come along and comfort us. In fact, we expect that “comfort” is what a loving God would do to a man who is left alone. But God says that He is not coming to comfort us, but to confront us. God came to challenge Jacob, and to wrestle with him (Genesis 32:24). Jacob’s first reaction was, no doubt, “Oh, no, not You too!”

  • Everybody is wrestling me.
  • My wife is wrestling with me.
  • My children are wrestling with me.
  • My boss is wrestling with me.
  • My creditors are wrestling with me.
  • My co-workers are wrestling with me.
  • My church is wrestling with me.
  • My own mind is a wrestling match.
  • And now, You, too, God?

The Bible says that the wounds of a friend are faithful (Proverbs 27:6). A true friend is one who “wounds” you for a good reason. What he says may hurt you, but in the end, it helps you. What he does may seem painful to you, but in the end, you’ll thank him for doing it because it was for your own good.

A good friend doesn’t agree with you all the time. No matter how brutally you object, a good friend will stand right up in your face and say “You’re still wrong.”

You don’t have real help until you have someone who will confront you about what needs to be changed in your life. That’s why I feel strongly about Men of Steel. We each need other men to stand up to us, and to force us to face our sin, to confront us about our lies, to make us uncomfortable about our bad habits, to move us away from mediocrity, to challenge us toward excellence. I value your participation each Saturday! I pray that each of us will find another man in whom we can invest our lives, and that someone else will seek to invest their life in us.

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How Did You Get Where You Are?

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The Men of Steel looked into this topic; this lame man represents all men and the issues we face:

  1. Who was the Lame Man at the Gate? (Acts 3:1, 2, 3)
  2. What are You Expecting From the Church?
  3. How Did You Get Where You Are?
  4. Are You Trapped at the Gate?
  5. Was the Lame Man at the Gate Distracted?

This is part three from the Men of Steel topic on the Lame Man at the Gate and What Are You Expecting? (From Acts 3:1-5).

Ever think about that question? Sometimes we ask this question when we get deep into trouble, but not so much when things go well. Do well, and it’s internal… it’s my giftedness, ability or determination, but if we’re in trouble it goes to something more external like dumb luck, circumstances, “the devil made me do it” or life is just out of control. As the Nationwide commercial goes, life comes at your fast.

A friend told me about a story about a turtle on the top of a fence post. If you find someone at the top of his game like that, you have to assume that someone else put him there. No one gets to the top alone. Another positive illustration of community.

Just how do we get through the rough things of life? We often look at our lame legs and fail to see the bigger picture. Remember that our lameness is anything that is considered to be a problem, a personal need or an area of weakness in our lives. Sometimes we don’t consider where we are because we don’t have a clear picture of where we’ve been or how we got there.

The lame man did not get that way due to an injury because he was born a cripple. This is all he had ever known. His lameness was not a disease or an injury, but a weakness. But think about it, this guy had two advantages that men today do not have:

  1. He knew he had a problem: It was obvious to him and to those around him. He was forced to face his problem, and faced it daily. Men today do not see any major flaws in their lives. Perhaps making it through the day, not getting fired, not messing up in a social situation is a sign that they are doing life just fine. Each of us has our kryptonite and we must face it even if it is not obvious to others.
  2. This guy also knew there was a reason for his lameness: He knew the cause of his problem; he was lame from birth. He knew the answer to the question, “Why am I like this?” If we want to get our lives back on track, we have to ask the same question, “Why am I like this?” or “Why do I do what I do?” Until we know why we are filled with hate, envy, foul language, lust, anger, bitterness… we can’t fully understand how to get beyond our lameness.

Have you ever asked yourself questions like these?

  1. Why do I come home from church (where I’ve acted like a saint) and act like a monster with my wife and children?
  2. Why don’t I know how to communicate?
  3. Why am I unwilling to communicate better?
  4. Why do I feel inner rage all the time?
  5. Why is my life out of control?
  6. Why don’t I succeed at work?
  7. Why do I feel depressed?
  8. Why am I not further along in my walk with God?

I recently read about a challenge to look over my resume, to look back over my life, and try to discover why I’ve camped out with my lameness for so long. When we look closely, we discover that we need a Savior, a Lord, and relationships with other believing men who will teach us the Bible, model a godly lifestyle, and help us to become more like Jesus Christ. It’s a great journey of discovery, and I’m glad that the Men of Steel group is a part of that healing process.

There is a reason that we are like we are, and there’s a greater reason or purpose for our lives. You are who you are, but you are not yet who you will become. Pastor Jerry reminded us that “the best is yet to be.” God has bigger and better things for you, for your marriage and for your family. So consider your problem of lameness, but also consider the cause, not forgetting the result that we find by being in Christ.

Like the turtle on top of the fence post, how can we help each other to make it to the top of our potential? How can we help you be all you can be for Christ?

Is This Sunday School or Just Christian Living?

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Beware; this is a long post, written in anticipation for the King’s Grant Strategy Rally, February 8 at 4:00.

I am a fan of small group Bible study and fellowship groups! Well, that’s probably not a real secret, but when I challenge classes toward growth and outreach, I hope that you are helping to move people toward higher levels of commitment to Christ and His church. If you have not heard by now, that last phrase is the vision statement for our discipleship ministry at King’s Grant. Where many may think I am just promoting a Sunday School program, what I am really doing is promoting proper Christian living.

Let me explain. When we are actively involved in our Christian lives, doing something with our faith and not merely believing the right stuff, Jesus is able to shine through. Our behavior, thoughts and attitudes reflect Christ. I hear you saying, “I know all this already. So, what does Sunday School have to do in all of this?” Sunday School is about community. The Christian life does not really exist outside of community. There are no Lone Ranger style Christians.

To truly become a Christian, it is much more than just believing the right information about Jesus (James 2:19), it’s about following Him (Matthew 4:19), being a disciple of Jesus (Luke 9:23), and allowing Him to live through us (Galatians 2:20). Christians are a part of the body of Christ (Romans 12:4-5) and have become the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). So, since we are to live out our Christian lives in community, what better community does the church have than the Sunday School?

There are small groups for every age group.

  1. Childcare is not a problem so adults can get together with people similar in age or life stage.
  2. There is Bible study and discussion on life issues to help each person move toward deeper levels of commitment to Christ and His church (there’s that vision statement again).
  3. There is life connection, through shared hopes, dreams, struggles and successes.
  4. Oh, one more thing, there should be hospitality!

I’m going to share a few Bible verses that ought to be lived out through the Sunday School. Out of that premise, I want to discuss two ideas that will foster community in your small group.

A Key Principle: Practicing Hospitality

Take a look at Romans 12:13.

The Living Bible paraphrases it this way: “Get into the habit of inviting guests home for dinner.” I like that. Your small group needs to make eating together a habit! When we talk about hospitality, it is not the same as social entertaining. Entertaining focuses on the host (a spotless home with just the right food) while hospitality focuses on the guest and their needs (their nourishment or even a place to stay).

So, what is the nature of the language of this verse? Is this a proverb, prophecy, parable or command? It is a command, right? As surely as God has commanded us to pray or give, or serve, or do anything else in the Christian life, God has commanded us to get into the habit of inviting guests home for dinner (showing hospitality).

Notice it is a habit. The word habit is actually not in the Greek. Kenneth Taylor (the author of the Living Bible) put it in there to emphasize that this is a present tense verb, which, in the original Greek, emphasized a linear action. It is not something we do one time and we are done. We do it over and again. It is a lifestyle. It is a habit. It is the way the Christian life is lived.

Christian living is not done all alone. It is not done sitting on benches watching the same events happen on the same stage, and looking at the back of someone’s head. We grow as we are joined together (Ephesians 2.21, 4.16). Remember that the church is the people rather than the building. The Christian life is a very connected life. Remember that the world is watching to see if we are living out what we say we believe.

Now notice the word invite. What can you expect to happen when you invite guests home for dinner? Not every person that is invited shows up, but you can’t do anything about whether they come. All you are responsible for is inviting. So, think about your small group. Are you inviting people to social gatherings and bringing them into the community of faith? How often can you reasonably have a social event in order to make practicing hospitality a habit?

Now let’s look at 1 Peter 4:9.

Again, what is the nature of the language of this verse? It is also a command to show hospitality. We are commanded to show, offer and welcome others. You can’t control whether or not people come, but you are to offer.

How are we to offer hospitality? This verse adds “without grumbling, murmuring, grudging or complaining.” I wonder why Peter had to add this phrase. Perhaps there are two reasons:

First, all good ideas can be reduced to work. When we have people over, we like to have the house clean. Somebody has to make the dessert, vacuum the floor, clean the bathroom and so forth.
Secondly, some people are kind of hard to love. Some times we will invite them and they will come and it will be fun and all is well. But, sometimes we will invite them and they will be boring, or obnoxious, or irritating, or late, or even ungrateful. So, offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

Our next verse is 3 John 1:8.

We ought to show hospitality. It is not exactly an imperative, but it is something we ought to do; not just mentioned once, but this seems to be a theme in the New Testament.

Look at the word partners or fellow helpers; this means working together. Many times we as teachers are not too good at this part. We are into teaching. Our students are into discussing, reading and studying. Teachers generally are not the most fun people in the room; perhaps they are a bit bookish and cerebral. The good teacher knows that s/he needs partners in the ministry, and must let others know how much they are valued.

To me, work together implies we want to get a whole team of people helping with this. We want our team to include:

  1. Inreach leaders to invite every member
  2. Outreach leaders to invite every prospective member and guest
  3. Fellowship leaders to plan the social activities
  4. A class leader who will serve as an overall organizer and see that everything happens as it should.

The goal is not for the teacher to do the work of ten people; it is to get ten people involved in the work.

My final verse is Luke 14:12.

Have you ever had a lunch or dinner and invited only your friends? I believe all of us generally do it this way, but Jesus told us to live differently; to live open and inviting lives. He wants us to form a habit that each time we have a lunch or dinner we think about inviting and including someone who is not a part of the group. How can you organize your class to live out this Christian life principle? Josh Hunt, the “double-your-Sunday-School-in-two-years guy puts it into a formula: “invite every member and every prospect to every fellowship every month.”

Don’t just invite your friends. Invite people who are far from God, in need of a church, who would benefit from being a part of your community. Remember that we can’t just wait for them to join us, they need an invitation. Invite guests. Invite absentees from your class. Keeping inviting them to the party, or to your dinner!

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Communicating With Your Children

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I recently read a story about Ken…

 

“Ken squandered many opportunities to connect deeply with his sons, to communicate things that would have made their lives better. But he is thankful for those times when they did connect more than superficially—the breakfasts before school, the weekend “guy trips,” the bedtime conver­sations and prayers. The love and respect they now have for one another testifies to the effectiveness of those occasions and God’s mercy and grace.”

 

The Bible is full of wisdom when it comes to life and relationships, and Proverbs 5:1 tells us about a father desiring to pass on life insights to his son. Although in context this passage refers to a father warning his son about the temptation and enticement of women, I believe that we can broaden the appeal of this verse to include fathers desiring to pass on wisdom and life lessons to all of our children, not just sons.

 

We want our children to pay attention to our “wisdom” because we don’t want them to go through the same things that we did; the pain, the hurt, the mistakes, the sorrow, many things about which we are not proud (and we keep from telling our kids). But when we share life wisdom, are they listening?

 

The Same Old Story

Much has been written about the conflict between fathers and sons. Throughout history they have often struggled to understand each other, get along with each other, respect each other, accept each other, and even love each other. No national­ity, religion, or generation seems exempt from this struggle.

 

We shouldn’t find it surprising, then, that father-son conflicts are found throughout litera­ture, including the Bible. The tragic relationship between King David and his son Absalom (2 Samuel 13-19) is a classic example. Yet, by the grace of God, some fathers and sons have largely avoided this struggle. How have they done it?

 

Writing Your Own Story

The trite but not-too-surprising answer is usually something like “you need to have good com­munication.” Of course, the time to start working on that is always now, but how to do it may vary based on the age of your kids. Maybe this can help:

  • Put your children on your calendar. If I don’t write it down, it generally will not get done.
  • Block out time for the two of you to be alone. Give yourself time and opportunity to be together.
  • Engage in activities that you both enjoy but also allow for meaning­ful conversation. Sometimes it is the ride to and from the event, or over the lunchtime you shared.
  • Avoid long lectures. Instead, humble yourself and seek to listen as much as you talk.
  • Encourage your kids to ask questions and then answer them tactfully and patiently.

 

Over time, your kids will grow to trust and love you.

 

Pay It Forward

Sir Charles Barkley once said, “I am not a role model.” But dads, you need to be. The “strong, silent type” is not the best role model for your kids, they need to know the real you. Talk with them; spend time with them. Open your heart and your life to them. Share the wisdom that you have, that which cost you so much to gain.

 

The Ties That Bind

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The Christian life is all about relationships. Think about the people you have in your life (right now and in the past) and what they mean to you.

 

REMEMBER YOUTH RETREATS?

If you’ve ever been to youth summer camp, you probably know the drill. Everybody packs into a dimly lit room, where there’s a candle (or maybe a ball of yarn) that is passed from person to person. Each person tells the next why they’re special. When the yarn has made its way around the room, and it’s all said and done, the bonds between the people in the room will have grown deeper just because a few simple words of appreciation were said.

 

Yet that sense of unity doesn’t have to end when the retreat ends. A sincere show of appreci­ation can be offered anytime and it’s one of the best gifts we can give someone. It’s a way of let­ting them know that they matter to us, that we value them, that they’re important. And every­body likes to hear that. Everybody craves that.

 

SHOW APPRECIATION

The Bible tells us to show appreciation for others. In Philippians 2:29, Paul says to the Philippians concerning his buddy, Epaphroditus, “Receive him then in the Lord with all joy, and hold men like him in high regard.” In other words, show that you appreciate him, encourage him, because he deserves it!

 

There’s not a right or wrong way to show appreciation for someone, but it needs to be gen­uine. Look for good in other people and express appreciation in real and meaningful ways. This will bless both of you and strengthen your relationship. This works with friends; it works with your wife!

 

THE BOTTOM LINE

At the start of this New Year, look for an opportunity each today to show appreci­ation to someone. It’s the sort of thing that once we do it, the more we want to do it.

 

Perhaps you want to show your appreciation to someone. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Completely out of the blue, give them an unex­pected gift.
  • Drop them an encouraging e-mail.
  • When you go out to lunch, pick up the check.
  • Give your friends a date night with their spouses by watching their chil­dren.
  • Send a Hallmark Card, or a Dayspring Greeting.
  • Make a donation to their favorite charity.
  • If you’re given a unique opportunity, take your friend along for the ride.
  • Thank them publicly for what they’ve meant to you.
  • Brag on the characteristic that blesses you the most.
  • Show how you care through some random act of kindness.

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