Category: Relationships

Answering God's First Question

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God called to Adam and asked him, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9) and here’s how the first man answered the first question that God had asked him: “I heard… I was afraid… I was naked… I hid.” (Genesis 3:10).

Most men don’t like open confrontation. I have known some physically big and powerful men who were afraid to go home to their five-foot-two-inch wife because they knew they would be facing a confrontation with her the minute they walked in the door.

Many men come across to their wives and children as being fearless, but the fact is, men are very afraid of themselves and of being confronted with who they really are. We know what is deep down inside. Men rarely face themselves because they really don’t know who they are or where they are—and I think they are afraid that somebody might discover the darkness that they secretly know is inside them.

Men tend to talk very easily about things that don’t really matter; seems most of us clam up when the talk turns to the things that matter the most. So we hide.

Here is the nature of relationships: you can’t have a relationship with someone if you are hiding from them.

  • Not a relationship with God.
  • Not a relationship with your wife.
  • Not a relationship with your child.
  • Not a relationship with the guy who stands next to you in the church service.

Relationships are built when we stop hiding and honestly face ourselves, and then allow ourselves to become vulnerable and open with other men. It doesn’t happen in a large group like a church service, but in small groups. That is why our small group ministry is so important.

A man sometimes acts as if he can’t hear, or as if he hasn’t heard, but the fact is, he heard—he what was said but just didn’t like what he heard.

  • He heard his wife when she said she needed more time, attention, or consideration.
  • He heard his kids when they complained that Dad wasn’t around very much.
  • He heard his daughter when she said, “I love you, Daddy,” and he heard her sigh when Daddy didn’t say anything back.

He ran and hid emotionally because he didn’t know how to give to other people what they needed. It is a cruel fact of life that we cannot pass on that which we do not possess: not leadership, compassion, integrity, confidence, love or peace.

A man who is afraid and doesn’t know what to do is a man who feels exposed, naked if you will. He will go to great lengths to hide himself…

  • To bury himself in his work
  • To get involved in an affair that doesn’t require any vulnerability on his part
  • To put up a brick-wall facade around his heart to hide his true emotions.

So men end up afraid, frustrated, whimpering inside, locked up, and impotent. And all the while, they are doing everything they can to cover up their inner feelings and emotional inadequacies.

Truth requires that you open up and share who your really are and where you really are. It requires an honest answer to God’s question, “Where are you?” rather than an excuse rooted in our own fear.

Where Are You, Really?

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After hearing the Game Plan for Life conference on September 12, I could not help but think about the overall underlying issue that permeated the event… do men of today really know who they are? So let’s get personal. Are you in touch with where you are? How you feel? Have you faced your faults? Do you know your great assets?

In Genesis 3:9, we find God asking an interesting question. When God called to Adam in the Garden of Eden, He wasn’t trying to find Adam. God knew where Adam was because no one can hide from God. I think that God wanted Adam to admit where he was. He wanted Adam to recognize fully who he was and what he had done.

One of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself is, “Where am I in my life?” Men get into trouble when they don’t know where they are.

When we hide, we turn phony. We act out a charade and put on a mask and participate in our own masquerade. Only two things are worse than being phony with other people; it’s being phony with yourself and being phony with God.

If you haven’t faced up to who you are and what you have done, you will find it very difficult to enter into genuine praise and worship. I suspect that you’ll also find it very difficult to relate to other men, or to your wife and children.

Until you face up to your flaws and failures (openly admitting them to yourself and to God, accepting the fact that you aren’t perfect) you’ll never be able to allow other people to know, much less accept, your imperfections. If you aren’t open to that kind of accountability, you will always feel cut off, estranged, isolated, lonely, deprived, and alienated from other people.

Many men spend a lot of time and energy asking about the other men around them, “Where are they?”

  • What does that man have that I don’t have to get that kind of woman?
  • What does that man do to be able to afford that kind of car and live in that kind of house?
  • How is it that HE has that kind of job and authority and power?
  • Why does God bless HIS ministry since he is really not that impressive?

These are all variations of asking, “Where are they?” The answer to that question leads to a dead end. It results in jealousy, competition, hatred, distrust and suspicion, all of which result in a murderous attitude (remember what happened in the story of Cain and Able – Genesis 4:3, 4, 5, 8). Peter had a similar jealousy with John. After hearing about a difficult destiny for himself, Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, and what about this man?” (John 21:21-22).

Instead, ask yourself, “Where am I?” That’s the question that can lead to life. That’s the question that will lead us all to repentance before God, to an ability to get close to other people, and to fulfillment and true satisfaction in life.

Joe Gibbs challenged us to be in touch with the Head Coach, to interact with other players, and to get to know the Playbook. You might be in the first half, or at halftime, or maybe late in the fourth quarter, but it’s time to know who you are and where you stand in the game of life.

Top 5 Church Growth Principles

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Noting that hundreds of church growth principles have been put forth in the last thirty years, Charles Arn responded to a recent question, What are the top five church growth principles? Based on his own study and experience, these are foundational church growth insights that you can take to the bank. Whether you’re in a church of 20 or 20,000, these principles will help to invest the talents God has given to your church, so that when the Master returns you can return more than what you were given (Matthew 25:14-30).

Principle 1: Disciple-making is THE priority. As Arn explains it, A church can do many good things. A church should do a few important things. But there is only one essential thing a church must do: go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life. (Matthew 28:19, The Message)

Principle 2: Social networks are the vehicle. There is a silver bullet’ that any congregation can use to reach more people. Here it is: Non-Christians come to Christ and the church primarily through relationships with Christians. Again, this may seem elementary,’ but I remain amazed at the number of churches and Christians who believe something other than friends reaching friends will somehow create growth.

Principle 3: Felt needs are the connecting point. Arn notes that most unchurched people aren’t nearly so concerned about their eternal destiny as Christians are. Right or wrong, they have on their mind something of immediate interest: their jobs, friends, health, kids, finances, hobbies. If the gospel of Christ is really relevant to all aspects of our lives, we need to show unreached people how it is relevant to their lives, as well. Don’t start with your agenda, start with theirs.

Principle 4: Relationships are the glue. What’s the primary ingredient that keeps people active in church? Friendships. Put simply, if people have friends at church, they stay. If they don’t have friendships, they won’t. According to one study, new members who stay beyond their first year made an average of seven new friends in the church. Those who dropped out made fewer than two. The implication for churches is clear we need to be intentional about creating friendships, not just acquaintances.

Principle 5: Transitions are windows of opportunity. Arn points out that unchurched persons in our community are not equally receptive to becoming Christians and members of our churches. Significant changes in people’s lifestyle move them toward spiritual receptivity. Such changes may be controlled events (marriage, divorce, relocation, retirement) or uncontrolled ones (death of a spouse, medical crisis, job loss). Churches need to encourage members to be aware of these events in the lives of those in their social network. And, churches can develop specialized ministries in response to these transitions.

From The Top Five Church Growth Principles by Charles Arn, president of Church Growth, Inc. REV, July/Aug 2009.

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Living in the Tombs

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In Mark 5, we are told a story about a man living among the tombs, with an unclean spirit (Mark 5:2). He was a danger to himself and others, no one could bind him (Mark 5:3). No one was able to subdue him or bring him under control (Mark 5:4). He was day and night in the tombs, constantly crying out and gashing himself Mark 5:5). This guy was in a mess. No one cared about him; just chain him up somewhere out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind.

When you really think about it, we are not much different. We are all bound by something that’s killing us. We drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much, play to much, are entertained too much… name your vice. Men today have all the toys they can afford (and lot of stuff they can’t afford) and often play games with their lives and families. I’m convinced that countless men today are living in the “tombs” and need to be set free. I’m talking about living in an inner world that leads to death; the world that is just behind the mask that we put on.

You can kill a person with your words, your attitude, and even your absence. You can kill a relationship without any other weapon than your mouth. You can destroy it without exploding a bomb; you can destroy relationships by neglect.

If we are a people living among the tombs, then we are surrounded by death, and much of it is death that we have inflicted upon ourselves (Mark 5:5). We have made poor choices and have not invested our time into our families. We have pulled back from our wives and sought for intimacy online. We have gotten into the habit of gambling, or drinking, or pornography, or spending… thinking these are what real life is all about.

How many women are in counseling offices every week because of what husbands have said or something they did; broken promises, betrayed trust, devastated dreams, broken lives?

  1. How many men do you know who are out of control?
  2. How many chains have you broken (Mark 5:4)?
  3. How many people are bleeding from wounds that you inflicted?
  4. How many of your children are going to need serious pastoral counseling?
  5. How many people are suicidal or messed up in their minds because of the lies you told?
  6. How much death and destruction have you caused in your own life?
  7. What tombs are you living in?
  8. What steps can you take to make things right?
  9. Commitments with which are you finally going to follow through?

The only way to combat death is to bring something back to life; resurrection. Just as it happened with Jesus, it can happen with every area in your life. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). In Christ we can have the life Jesus promised (John 10:10). Trust Him to bring you back under control and restore your life, your family, your kids, your marriage.

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30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 30

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Day Thirty:

I was filled with delight day after day. (Proverbs 8:30)

Today is the final day of the challenge! How did it go? Was it harder than you expected or easier? Did you see fruit for your labor? I certainly hope so.

Now that you’ve completed the 30 days, don’t stop there. Take what you have learned and apply it to the next 30 days and the 30 days after that and the 30 days after that until you have applied it for 10 or 20 or 50 years.

Use the knowledge and insight you have gained to keep your marriage fresh. The vows you made to your wife before God are too valuable to let crumble without doing everything in your power to keep it together.

Pray without ceasing that God will continue to show you how to encourage your wife. Look at your wife with fresh eyes every day. See who she is and who she is becoming. Notice how your love and affection toward her are returned to you tenfold.

Find joy in each day that you have together. When you start to falter in your commitment, pick up this challenge and work through it again. You have the blueprint; it is up to you to build the house.

Your challenge for today and forever: Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love. Ecclesiastes 9:9

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 29

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Day Twenty-nine:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Just as your marriage has undergone changes since your wedding day, you and your wife will continue to change physically, spiritually, and emotionally as the years bring new joys and new challenges.

As you age, the beauty and vigor of youth will be replaced by grace and strength of character unknown to younger generations. Do not be deceived by the beauty and charm of youth; there is no fountain of youth except for the renewal that only God can give (Isaiah 40:31).

Just as Moses’ face glowed when he met with God face to face (Exodus 34:35), your wife’s countenance will take on a new glow as she walks with God, feels your love in new ways, and trusts you as the spiritual leader of your home. Your love will take on new dimensions and praise will pour forth from your lips without working at it.

Commit to the ground rules of this 30 day challenge for the rest of your life. Let nothing and no one deceive you and cause you to doubt the vows of marriage that you have spoken. The road may be long and it may be hard at times, but the prize is a life of no regrets and a love that knows no end.

You’ve had some serious days recently. It’s time again to have some fun and make playing together an integral part of your marriage. Get outside, ride a bike, go out for ice cream, put together a puzzle, play a game. Find something that both you and your wife enjoy doing and take time to do it together.

If this time of play takes away from other things your wife wants/needs to get done, help her complete her tasks either before or after your play so she can feel more relaxed and enjoy your time together.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 28

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Day Twenty-eight:

The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ Genesis 2:18

Some men and women have a very narrow view of what a “helper” is. A helper can be someone who cooks meals and washes the dishes, or someone who takes care of the children. A helper can be someone who stands by to hand over tools when they are needed to complete a project.

A helper can be someone who stands by to take care of anything that might have been left undone. A helper can also be someone who has strengths in areas in which you have weaknesses. She can be an extrovert to your introvert; she can have a sense of color and style to your T-shirt and blue jeans; she can make lists and carry out tasks while you see the big picture and are already looking past this project to the next one.

Sometimes husbands and wives get annoyed by their differences, but quite often God brings together two people who are very different so they can work together to be whole, to be one (Genesis 2:24).

In what ways does your helper, your wife, “complete” you? How do your strengths and weaknesses work together to make an unbeatable team?

Rejoice in the differences that make your marriage work. Ask your wife how she sees the strengths and weaknesses that you each have working together. Talk about how you and your marriage are stronger because she is your helper who completes you.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 27

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Day Twenty-seven:

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

For reasons that women often find hard to understand, very few men have close friends – especially friends that will hold them accountable and help them grow in the Lord.

Pray that God will bring such a man into your life and that you can be that kind of man to someone else.

Reach out to a godly man and ask him to be your accountability partner. Meet together regularly to encourage one another in your walk with Christ, your marriage, and the many other responsibilities that you have.

You will glorify God and gain spiritual, emotional, and even physical strength by meeting together with another godly man regularly.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 26

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Day Twenty-six:

A friend loves at all times. Proverbs 17:17

I once heard someone say that a friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway.

Does this describe your relationship with your wife? Does she know all about you? What are you holding back from her for fear that she will not love you?

Most women know when a man is holding out on her: there is an emotional barrier that never seems to come down even if the ax is swung close to the root.

Vulnerability is hard and trust is risky, but it might be time to trust in your friend, the wife of your youth (Proverbs 5:18).

Pray about an issue that you are holding back from your wife. Seek Godly counsel and wait for an answer from the Lord. As your marriage grows stronger and you learn that you can and want to trust your wife with who you are as a man, you will know when the time is right to let that barrier down.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work … But pity the man who falls down and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9,10.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 25

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Day Twenty-five:

If we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1 John 4:12

It’s time for a little self-examination. You’ve come a long way, and the end of the 30 days is in sight. What changes have you seen in your wife? What changes have you seen in yourself? Is your home a little quieter and peace more abundant? Do your wife and children seem more at ease and loving?

Today, think of how you can show love to your wife through the pattern of love in I Corinthians 13:1-8a. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Choose one characteristic that you want to make abundant in your wife’s life today and ask God to help you follow through.

Read the I Corinthians passage again. Underline those characteristics of love that you do pretty well and circle those that need some work. Don’t be too hard on yourself; none of us will get a perfect score.

This exercise is not meant to point out where you’ve failed or need more work, but to point out where you have succeeded and how your demonstration of love to your wife has changed over the past 24 days.

There is still room for improvement, there always is, but you are well on your way to living out I Corinthians 13 every day.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com