Category: Relationships

Only 40 Days to Live

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At the Men’s Breakfast last weekend, Terry Rae, Executive Director of Africa for Christ, gave a challenging talk, hitting the hearts of men. He asked a blunt question, “What would you do if you knew you had only 40 days to live?” I thought a hard sell evangelistic message was on the way, but I really appreciated the insight he shared directed toward men. He pointed our attention to Jesus, between his resurrection and his ascension… 40 days, and what Jesus did with the time he had left.

Jesus expressed love to people: he found Mary at the tomb and expressed love for her and the others. She did not recognize him at first; she thought he may be the gardener (John 20:14-16). How often do we not see those around us who are in need of an encouraging word, a thoughtful deed, or a random act of kindness? Men need to express love to those around them, especially to your wife and children. Rae said that the essence of love is giving. If we open our hearts to God’s love, then we will be able to receive it and share it with others.

Jesus healed broken relationships: Peter had denied Jesus in the temple courtyard, something he strongly denied he would ever do. Once the predicted event happened, Peter was in turmoil over what he had done (Matthew 26:33-34). After the resurrection, Jesus finds the disciples fishing and invited them to the shore for a little breakfast in Galilee. Peter was asked if he loved Jesus, three times, and he was able to be restored into good relationship with his Savior (John 21:15, 16, 17). What relationships do you have in our life that need extra attention and reconciliation?

Jesus left a memory box: As the two men were on the road to Emmaus, Jesus caught up to them and asked the topic of their discussion. They did not recognize Jesus all day, until the time of the evening meal, when Jesus took the bread and blessed it. Then they recognized their guest to be Jesus. The memory box was the Lord’s Supper, to be done as often as we remember the sacrifice of Christ (Luke 22:19, 1 Corinthians 11:24, 25). It is a memorial. For men, husbands and fathers… what will you leave to your family? What legacy are you building in your children? For what will your family remember of you after you’re gone? May I recommend a letter? This summer I intend to challenge each of us to become letter-writers; one each to your wife, children, parents and finally one to be left behind when you leave this world. I’ll share more about writing letters this spring.

Jesus spoke about the kingdom: He had a message of life after death, and he spoke about declaring this message throughout the whole world… it is called the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 1:8). We must also ask how we are personalizing this final word of Christ, and how we might help others to understand the reality of the Christian faith.

Jesus paid out debts: On a spiritual level Jesus sacrificed himself in order to bring salvation to a lost and dying world (2 Corinthians 5:20-21). Practically, how can we make sure what we leave behind to our family is debt free? I dare say this will also involve sacrifice of our personal desires for more toys and pleasures. We need to also pass on to our kids the passion to stay out of debt… a worthy goal having been through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University! (see Proverbs 22:6, 7)

Next time I intend to address the issue of a father’s blessing on his children. Have a great week, our next get together is on Saturday, March 27 at 7:30.

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American Men in Need

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It doesn’t take much to see that American men are in crisis. There’s little peace at home, no satisfaction in work, feelings of uselessness and discouragement are commonplace. The cry of the preacher (teacher) in Ecclesiastes sounds very familiar to us:

“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!” What do people get for all their hard work under the sun? … I devoted myself to search for understanding and to explore by wisdom everything being done under heaven. I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind. (Ecclesiastes 1:2-3, 13, 14)

I found a good description of what seems to be happening to American men, husbands and fathers.

American men are confused. They’re confused over what it means and doesn’t mean to be a man. Every ten years, the model changes. For a while it was the John Wayne “tough guy.” Then it was the James Bond “womanizer.” Then the Phil Donohue “sensitive male.” Then the Michael Douglas “Wall Street climber.”

American men are friendless. The average man over thirty-five doesn’t have one close friend he can call in the middle of the night.

American men are sexually addicted. With the Internet making this addiction private, men spend more and more time in front of the computer staring at touched-up images of “perfect” women. And Christian men haven’t escaped this addiction.

American men are emotionally isolated. When asked what he’s feeling, the average guy will say either “good” or “bad.” The problem is, neither of these is a feeling. Men struggle with identifying and expressing their emotions in a healthy manner. Most funnel every emotion through anger. So whether they’re sad, scared, frustrated, fearful, or joyful, they still kick the cat when they get home.

American men are searching spiritually. In the midst of this gloomy picture of men, one thing is true: They’re looking for something beyond themselves to make sense out of the world they live in and the problems they face. For this reason, men need a place they can go to deal with life’s issues. They desire a place of safety and refuge where they can be who they are and accepted as they are. In his book, Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them, John Ortberg says that we’re all born with a tag on us that reads, “As Is.”

Lowes has a great slogan, “Let’s Build Something Together.” Building is in the male DNA, something indicates our quest, and together is what the church is all about. Men don’t have to go through this life searching all alone. There are answers to a better marriage, help in raising our kids and finding satisfaction at work. The Home Depot used to tell us that, “You can do it, we can help.” King’s Grant stands here with that same offer! That’s what King’s Grant and the Men of Steel can become, a Home Depot for men; encouraging, equipping, training, leading, reaching, uniting, practicing, impacting and sharing life together, for the kingdom’s sake.

Forgive Those Who Judge You

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Forgiveness is something that is at the heart of the Christian experience. If it were not for the forgiveness of sin that God offers through the sacrifice of his one and only Son, I’m not all that sure people would be lining up to become followers of Christ. There is a deep need inside every man to be forgiven for the wrong he has done — to others, to himself and ultimately to God.

I find people from my childhood and youth and the first thing in my heart is, “I’m sorry.” I remember who I was back then and the things I have done. I’ve changed, and express how sorry I am for my former actions and words. The experience brings peace. If we desire authentic and lasting peace, it comes only through a right relationship with God and others.

Paul writes to the Ephesians that Christ himself is our peace; He has broken down every wall that divides and separates (Ephesians 2:14). Think about how the lack of forgiveness divides and separates, and the end result is a lack of peace in our hearts and lives. Forgiveness does not condone what the other person has done to us, but it allows us to get past it and start fresh. When we are the one who messed up, and others look on in judgment, it is their responsibility to search deep within to find the compassion of God to forgive and allow the relationship to be renewed.

Job lost everything and suffered greatly; he’s the classic example of a man who suffered greatly for no other reason than he was a faithful servant of the living God. His so-called friends came by and proceeded to discuss the theology of why this evil was happening to Job. He must be a great sinner, more than anyone else, for such bad stuff to be happening to him (Job 4:8 for example). What a statement of judgment and condemnation. Job is getting what he deserves. So, if anyone had a reason to hold a grudge, it was Job. He could have held a grudge against his friends for the way they treated him, and even a grudge against God for treating him the way he did. But catch what happens in this verse:

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before” (Job 42:10).

Job’s friends did not understand how a godly person could ever go through his degree of suffering unless God was judging him for his sin. But his friends were wrong and God intervened. God says, “I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” (Job 42:7).

Not much has really changed after thousands of years. Those in the church often wrongly equate trouble and hardship with sin (what have I done to deserve this?). Sometimes this can be true since actions have consequences, but often trouble is simply a consequence of the fall of mankind, or a call on one’s life (like Joseph in Egypt or Paul’s hardships – 2 Corinthians 11:24-26).

Joseph was required to forgive his brothers. Jesus was required to forgive Judas and the disciples for betrayal. You and I are required to forgive those who wrongfully judge us. This forgiveness is often THE most important step in gaining restoration in our own lives.

Job 42:10 reveals that it was not until Job prayed for his friends that he was restored in the things he had lost. Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? It may be the missing piece of your puzzle for restoration.

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Avoiding Conflict

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Not too many men enjoy conflict, especially with their wives. Women are on a different level of thinking, emotion and we give up too soon when we need to get things straightened out. My Bible study class just finished a series on the life of David, and this is a story that may hit us where we live.

Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem. But the king said, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king (2 Samuel 14:23-24).

Taking a path that avoids conflict will only lead to later hardship. Such was the case for Absalom and his father King David. For a little background, remember this:

Amnon, also a son of David, raped his half-sister Tamar (2 Samuel 13:4, 11, 14), who was Absalom’s full sister. When this happened, David was furious but he did not punish Amnon for his actions (2 Samuel 13:21). Absalom saw this as a terrible injustice for his sister and assured her that he would take care of it (2 Samuel 13:20, 22). So, Absalom plotted to kill Amnon at the right time. He patiently waited for two years before he set up a situation to have him killed (2 Samuel 13:23, 28).

David was heartbroken over the death of Amnon and held Absalom responsible. At the same time, David still wanted to have a relationship with Absalom, but because he failed to address the situation with Amnon, when it happened, it led to more serious consequences in the family (2 Samuel 14:23-24, 28). Absalom was banished for three years because of David’s anger towards him which allowed seeds of resentment to grown in his heart (2 Samuel 15:1-23). Absalom then conspired to overthrow David’s kingdom.

It is tremendously important to confront problems when they arise no matter how uncomfortable it might be. Believers are called to speak the truth in love. “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15-16). Failure to confront in love allows the enemy to sow greater seeds of conflict. Peace in the home will only come as we confront one another in love.

Is there someone else in your life that you need to confront in love, or resolve a conflict? Make plans now to get with this person and work through the issues that divide you.

A God-Shaped Hole in One

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If you Google “Tiger Woods” right now, you will get around 40 million hits and over 7,000 news articles. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the kind of publicity he wants right now. The mainstream media is piling on and reporting anything they can get their hands on, and if you’re like me, you’re ready for this story to move along. Has anyone asked these women why they were spending time with a married man? They all appear to be victims of a predator, this most successful golf professional ever. They should be ashamed rather than coming forward and granting interviews. But of course, this story won’t go away anytime soon. We’ll be treated to headliner stories and sordid details that the (generally morbid) public wants to know; it’s like a shark feeding frenzy in bloody water. We’ll get theories, speculations, and allegations that may go on for weeks – even months.

Until, that is, somebody else in the spotlight pulls a different bigger-than-life train wreck that turns into the next exclusive for TMZ for all the gossip-loving Americans who want to read about the failures of others so they can feel better about themselves.

But it should be different for Christians. While it may be virtually impossible for us to escape the story, rather than judging or condemning, believers should focus on what God can teach us through Tiger’s transgressions. So, what can we take from the saddening saga of the Woods family?

First, look up. Our personal failures and spiritual breakdowns so often happen as a result of not keeping our focus on Jesus Christ. Here’s the way the writer of Hebrews puts it:

“Such a large crowd of witnesses is all around us! So we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won’t let go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us. We must keep our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete.” (Hebrews 12:1-2).

I have no clue as to Tiger’s spiritual condition (Buddhism is his mother’s religion, and I read that Tiger says his religion has given him self awareness). While it is never our place to judge, and none of us really know him or even met him, we can evaluate the fruit of his life. This story reminds me that if I take my eyes off of Jesus, I’m headed for a crash that involves a lot more than a fire hydrant and a tree.

Second, look across. I mean look across the dinner table and across to the other side of your double bed. If you’re married, remember the reason you married her in the first place. Vows have been made, and even though life may get hard, you’ve made a commitment to her before God and your family to forsake all others. If the relationship is not what you expected, dismiss every thought of seeking satisfaction in any other place. Other women are totally off limits. [ read more about why marriages fall apart ]

Third, look within. Every man needs to take a long and serious look at himself in the mirror. We need to own up to the darkness that resides within, never saying that we would never get involved in something like this. Paul said that we should take heed lest we fall (1 Corinthians 10:11-13). When you look in your mirror, do you see another man standing near you, going through life with you, watching your back and getting in your face when you blow it?

Fourth, look around. There are people everywhere who carry a load of loneliness, emptiness, and even depression because their worldview tells them that contentment and happiness can be only be found through something material. Do we really need another story like this to be reminded that all the money, fame, success, and possessions in the universe still do not come close to providing a real and satisfying life? God created life, so doesn’t it follow that life without a relationship with Him is pretty lifeless?

King Solomon lived thousands of years ago and had more bank and bling than anyone has or probably ever will. He went on a materialistic journey for quite some time to see if he could find contentment and happiness with things here on earth. In fact, this is what he wrote:

“I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure.” (Ecclesiastes 2:10).

In the end, he found himself in a darker place than he ever imagined and he came to the conclusion that without God everything is “meaningless.” Why? Here was his reasoning:

“He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

What Solomon is saying is that there is a “God-shaped hole” in each one of us and trying to fill this spiritual void with a thing, relationship or an experience is an absolute waste of time. What isn’t a waste of time is your pursuit of God. Here’s the promise from Jesus Christ:

“Behold! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends” (Revelation 3:20).

This “meal” He is referring to is a spiritual feast that no earthly possession or experience can rival. If you’ve trusted Christ, you already know this, but again, look around at all the people that are desperately looking to fill the eternity-sized empty space in their hearts. What they want is what Tiger Woods wants and it is what you have found: Jesus.

Don’t keep this great discovery to yourself – drive it down the fairway like you were playing for your life and the lives of your friends, because really, you are!

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Why Marriages Fall Apart

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I hate to see marriages falling apart, and God is not fond of it either (Malachi 2:16). Take a look at Tiger Woods this past week; not that divorce is in his future, but it seems that his marriage is (to say the least) on the rocks. I am desperate to see the covenant of marriage taken seriously by the church and I pray that our teenagers, 20-somethings and young adults will be the generation that really begins to see marriage as God does.

So, Men of Steel, why do you think marriages fall apart? Let me suggest a few things…

Lack of Commitment: whenever a couple enters into marriage thinking, “Well, if this doesn’t work out then I will just…” we might as well say that the marriage isn’t going to work out. People need to stop planning for divorce even before the ceremony takes place. When vows are taken, those aren’t words that should be taken lightly. They are a promise, covenant and commitment before a holy and awesome God that should be prayed through and thoroughly thought through.

Unrealistic Expectations: I know people that once thought, “When I get married, then I will be happy!” But they’re still not happy! Too many couples enter into marriage thinking that somehow the other person is going to fill a void that only Jesus can fill. Your spouse is not going to make you happy, if you aren’t happy now.

Bad Counsel: it’s sad, but in America there are more people willing buy into what a talk show host (who perhaps has never been married) says about marriage than what the Bible says. Or, instead of seeking godly counsel when the marriage is in trouble they will surround themselves with people who will affirm their dysfunctional ideas rather than call them out. When we refuse to seek what Jesus says on an issue, it’s not going to go well.

Selfishness: whenever a person believes that marriage is all about “getting my needs met,” it’s over. Marriage is not someone else’s service opportunity but rather our opportunity to serve our spouse.

Laziness: couples date before marriage, and stop doing so soon after the ceremony. We’ve all heard the line, marriage takes work. I admit that am pretty guilty of being lazy, giving my best at work and then coming home and expecting Kim to be content with my leftovers. I know she’s not. That is why I believe that I need to be dating after marriage, even more than I dated before the marriage. If a man stops pursuing, and the woman stops responding, I suspect that is a recipe for trouble.

No Communication: many couples will talk about one another rather than to one another. If a couple wants to see success in marriage then they must be willing to have serious, heart to heart conversations, even when you know it’s not going to be easy.

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Counselors and Friends

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In 2 Samuel 14, there seems to be a deep dissatisfaction about Absalom’s encounter with his father, and seemed to fuel a lot of bitterness. Beth Moore points out the fact that reuniting and reconciliation are two different things. Let’s take a look at 2 Samuel 15, where things go from bad to worse. David is no longer the courageous and confident that he once was.

  1. It helps to know people in high places… who do you know who is in a high place?
  2. What is your favorite conspiracy theory? Absalom will be conspiring a lot in this section.
  3. What do “chariots, horses and 50 men” signal of Absalom’s ambitions? (2 Samuel 15:1, 1 Samuel 8:11) What goal do you see behind Absalom’s behavior?
  4. As a victim of injustice, what would you make of Absalom’s two decrees? (2 Samuel 15:3-4) How about his greeting? (2 Samuel 15:5)
  5. Why do you think Absalom waited four years to carry out his plot? (2 Samuel 15:7) When else has he waited patiently in devising evil plans? (2 Samuel 13:23, 13:38, 14:28)
  6. How can David be so gullible? (2 Samuel 15:7-9) What do you know about the significant about Hebron? (2 Samuel 2:1, 4)
  7. How did David respond to the news that “the hearts of the people are with Absalom”? (2 Samuel 15:13, 14)
  8. What was David thinking at this point? What was he feeling? How could he run away since God had anointed him to be on the throne?
  9. What was the significance of the ark? (2 Samuel 15:24, 29)
  10. Where did David go? (2 Samuel 15:30) How would a reporter describe the mood and the scene this day?
  11. What is the significance of this one key verse? (2 Samuel 15:31)
  12. What special assignment did David have for Hushai? (2 Samuel 15:34) Skip ahead to the beginning of chapter 17. How did this work out?

A few questions for your consideration:

  1. How did they all get to this point?
  2. What do you do when someone you love is out of control?
  3. When could this have been nipped in the bud?
  4. This story makes an interesting point: we all need friends we can be sure are on our side when difficult times come. Who did David have on his side?
  5. How can we develop the kind of relationships so that we know we have some friends on our side when the storm comes? How do you determine who is your friend?
  6. What is the difference between an advisor or counselor and a friend? (1 Chronicles 27:33)
  7. In your darkest times, is prayer and church your usual course of action? (2 Samuel 15:31, 32) How does God fit into your crisis resolution plan?

Take a look at Psalm 3… I’ll have some other insights on Sunday.

Traitors, Friends and Regrets

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The end of Absalom is getting closer… notice the correct advice of Ahithophel (2 Samuel 17:1-4), he urges Absalom to attack David’s troops immediately while David is still weary and weak. Then came the crafty advice of Hushai (2 Samuel 17:5-14, 23). He advises that the attack be delayed until a large number of soldiers throughout the land can be assembled, and then Absalom himself should lead them into battle (2 Samuel 17:11). Hushai’s plan is accepted, causing Ahithophel to go home and hang himself. This leads us to the main chapter for today.

  1. Why did David want to go into battle? (2 Samuel 18:2, 5)
  2. How has David benefitted from the delay in Absalom’s attack? (2 Samuel 18:1-2)
  3. Why didn’t Joab and the people want him to go into battle? (2 Samuel 18:3)
  4. What are David’s specific instructions to Joab? (2 Samuel 18:5)
  5. What do you make of the reoccurring phrase, “the young man, Absalom?” (2 Samuel 18:5, 12, 29, 32), perhaps the youthful rebel could still be forgiven.
  6. How do you think this sounded to Joab, Abishai, and Ittai? (2 Samuel 18:5)
  7. With all the betrayal going on, why does David trust these three generals? (2 Samuel 18:5)
  8. How did Absalom die? (2 Samuel 18:9, 14, 15)
  9. What irony do you see in Absalom’s getting hung up? (2 Samuel 18:9, 14:24, 25)
  10. How does the man reporting to Joab respond to Joab’s rebuke? (2 Samuel 18:11, 12, 13)
  11. What do you make of Joab disobeying King David’s order? (2 Samuel 18:5, 12)
  12. What does Joab’s treatment of Absalom reveal about him? (2 Samuel 18:14)
  13. What do they do with Absalom’s body (2 Samuel 18:17, 18) Notice the irony; a heap of stones and a monument to himself (similar to 1 Samuel 15:12). His death as a traitor remains far more memorable than his self-absorbed life. (Deuteronomy 21:20, 21, Joshua 7:26, 8:29)
  14. Why did Ahimaaz want to run back to David, and persist in his request? (2 Samuel 18:19, 22, 23)
  15. What did Joab fear if the truth be known? (2 Samuel 18:21, 31, 32), perhaps killing the Cushite was better than killing one of his soldiers.
  16. Why did Ahimaaz lie when he was in front of the king? (2 Samuel 18:29, 20, 29)
  17. What did David have on his mind when the got the word that they had won the war? (2 Samuel 18:24, 25, 26)
  18. Why is David so preoccupied with Absalom’s safety more than his own? (2 Samuel 18:29)
  19. Why did Ahimaaz waffle in his answer after being so eager about running to tell the king? (2 Samuel 18:28, 29)
  20. Why didn’t the Cushite just say, “Absalom is dead”? (2 Samuel 18:31, 32)
  21. How did David celebrate the victory? (2 Samuel 18:33) But David should have cried these tears long ago, intervening after the rape of his daughter.
  22. This section sends a chill up the spine of any parent. Death would be easier than a life without our children.
  23. How does David feel after Joab’s rebuke? (2 Samuel 19:5, 6, 7) Was Joab right in doing so?

Here are a few life application questions:

  1. Why do you believe that our King is worth ten thousand of us? (2 Samuel 18:3)
  2. These men were pawns in the hands of King David, what will you do tangibly to demonstrate your belief that Jesus is absolutely worthy of our sacrifice?
  3. What news or information or sin are you hiding from the King? What will bring this hidden truth into the light?
  4. From what enemies has God delivered you? Like David, what has preoccupied your mind from the reality of your current situation? What role does your faith and this small group play in your victory?
  5. Think back over this long story. How could David have avoided this eventuality?
  6. What regrets do you think David had at this point?
  7. What is the lesson of this story for our lives? What break in relationship is happening in your family right now? Act quickly to make reconciliation, before it all spirals out of control.

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Resolving Old Conflicts

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David was strongly attached to Absalom and he has been absent for three years, but the fear of public opinion made him hesitant to grant him a full pardon. Joab, David’s general, had obviously witnessed David’s irresponsibility toward Absalom long enough and he devised a plan to get David’s attention.

Think about these questions:

  1. How could David long for Absalom. Absalom had killed his other son, Amnon. Why isn’t he mad at him? (2 Samuel 14:1)
  2. What do we learn about God from 2 Samuel 14:14?
  3. What do you think about the whole ruse orchestrated by Joab. What was the point?
  4. How did David know Joab was involved? (2 Samuel 14:19)
  5. If David longed for Absalom, why did he have to be talked into taking him back? (2 Samuel 14:1, 21)
  6. How is the relationship between father and son now? (2 Samuel 14:21, 24, 28, 33)
  7. If you were casting Absalom in a movie, what actor might you choose? (2 Samuel 14:25)
  8. Tamar, we have heard that name before. Who was Tamar? (2 Samuel 14:27)
    There used to be a song called, “We didn’t start the fire.” Who did start the fire? (2 Samuel 14:30) What is the fire about?
  9. Have you heard the adage, “negative attention is better than no attention”? How do you see that demonstrated here? Where have you seen this demonstrated in real life?
  10. Is all better now? (2 Samuel 14:33). There may be forgiveness and reconciliation, but is it all sealed with a kiss?

Let’s look at some details in this chapter:

Joab sets up a story about a woman and her prodigal son (2 Samuel 14:2, 3). It could work; after all, he saw Nathan use a story to get David’s attention back in 2 Samuel 12:1-7.

The woman tells the story (2 Samuel 14:4-7) and David tries to blow her off (2 Samuel 14:8), perhaps David doesn’t want to be blamed for defending a guilty son!

She says that she will take any blame from sparing the son (2 Samuel 14:9). David tells the woman to bring her persecutors before him (2 Samuel 14:10).

The avenger of blood (2 Samuel 14:11) is a specific term identifying the nearest relative of the deceased who would seek to put to death the murderer (Numbers 35:6–28; Deuteronomy 19:1–13; Matthew 27:25).

She mentions that death is irreversible and that God acts in accordance with mercy (2 Samuel 14:14) as in David’s own experience (2 Samuel 12:13), and the king should do the same.

Those who were wanting to kill the woman and her son were like the people David feared whom resented what Absalom had done and would have stood against a pardon for him (2 Samuel 14:15, 16).

David finally gets it (2 Samuel 14:19), that Joab is behind this woman and her story.
Joab is excited that Absalom is coming back, as selfish as his motives really were (2 Samuel 14:22).

While Absalom returned to Jerusalem, the estrangement continued (2 Samuel 14:24, 28). Everything looked good on the outside, but none of it came form the heart. David summoned Absalom to appease him, not to accept him. Absalom wanted David to look him in the eye rather than to beg for forgiveness. He requests an audience with the king, but nothing, he finally sets fire to Joab’s field to get his attention… like acting out, or manipulation of others. It was like Absalom was saying, “accept me or kill me.” By the time David finally received Absalom, (2 Samuel 14:33) his son’s heart had already grown cold and bitter (see chapter 15).

Application Questions:

  1. This story is a story about resolving old conflicts. What could David or Joab or Absalom done to make this better?
  2. Have you known anyone who kept a fire of conflict stoked for decades?
  3. How can we settle old conflicts?

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Do Men Have Emotional Needs?

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First off, let’s check out what King David wrote in Psalm 22:14 that his heart melted like wax in the most inner places of his body / soul.

Have you ever asked yourself, “What’s the harm in keeping my fears and my emotional needs to myself?” Well, it’s because that which you use to hide your fears and emotional needs from others will eventually become your prison. It will lock you up, freeze you up, bottle you up… the bottom line is that it will keep you from moving toward possessing all that God has for you in your life.

  • Some men turn to alcohol or drugs—in an effort to hide themselves from their fears and emotional needs.
  • Some turn to porn or prostitutes—they won’t trust their wives with their emotions, but they’ll trust a total stranger with their bodies, their potential, and their reputations.
  • Some turn to overwork—putting all of their energy into the job and “burning the midnight oil”—in an effort to avoid the need to relate to people.

Eventually, each of these “escapes” becomes a prison. It traps you even further into a cycle of secrecy, because once men are trapped by their particular escape mechanism, they won’t tell anybody about that trap either. Your fear only grows greater as your silence grows deeper.

The fact is, God created men with emotions. He created men with a need to feel, to touch, to express, to have an emotional outlet and release. Look at most any little boy… he is free to express himself, to vent his feelings, to hug and kiss and be hugged and kissed in return. He hasn’t yet learned to hide. Adam was hiding when God called to him; which turned out to be a learned response (Genesis 3:10).

  • What happened to you on your way to becoming a man?
  • Where are you?
  • What caused you to feel that you need to run and hide?

There’s another man behind the mask we put up.

  • He needs to be touched just as much as the next guy.
  • He needs to be held.
  • He needs to hear loving words, spoken in a gentle way.

Don’t deny your emotional needs. David wasn’t afraid to admit to himself and to God that he was weak, afraid, sorrowful, angry, or in need of love. He even said that his heart melted like wax (see Psalm 22:14). In fact, the entire twenty-second psalm is filled with emotion. It is a psalm of David, but it mirrors the experience of Christ’s crucifixion.

The Bible says Jesus was a man “who in the days of his flesh … offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears” (Hebrews 5:7.) Jesus was a man who knew how to express His emotions.

  • Tell God you need Him.
  • Tell Him you love Him.
  • Tell Him you are in trouble in your life.
  • Tell Him where you ARE.