Category: Parenting

Communicating With Your Children

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I recently read a story about Ken…

 

“Ken squandered many opportunities to connect deeply with his sons, to communicate things that would have made their lives better. But he is thankful for those times when they did connect more than superficially—the breakfasts before school, the weekend “guy trips,” the bedtime conver­sations and prayers. The love and respect they now have for one another testifies to the effectiveness of those occasions and God’s mercy and grace.”

 

The Bible is full of wisdom when it comes to life and relationships, and Proverbs 5:1 tells us about a father desiring to pass on life insights to his son. Although in context this passage refers to a father warning his son about the temptation and enticement of women, I believe that we can broaden the appeal of this verse to include fathers desiring to pass on wisdom and life lessons to all of our children, not just sons.

 

We want our children to pay attention to our “wisdom” because we don’t want them to go through the same things that we did; the pain, the hurt, the mistakes, the sorrow, many things about which we are not proud (and we keep from telling our kids). But when we share life wisdom, are they listening?

 

The Same Old Story

Much has been written about the conflict between fathers and sons. Throughout history they have often struggled to understand each other, get along with each other, respect each other, accept each other, and even love each other. No national­ity, religion, or generation seems exempt from this struggle.

 

We shouldn’t find it surprising, then, that father-son conflicts are found throughout litera­ture, including the Bible. The tragic relationship between King David and his son Absalom (2 Samuel 13-19) is a classic example. Yet, by the grace of God, some fathers and sons have largely avoided this struggle. How have they done it?

 

Writing Your Own Story

The trite but not-too-surprising answer is usually something like “you need to have good com­munication.” Of course, the time to start working on that is always now, but how to do it may vary based on the age of your kids. Maybe this can help:

  • Put your children on your calendar. If I don’t write it down, it generally will not get done.
  • Block out time for the two of you to be alone. Give yourself time and opportunity to be together.
  • Engage in activities that you both enjoy but also allow for meaning­ful conversation. Sometimes it is the ride to and from the event, or over the lunchtime you shared.
  • Avoid long lectures. Instead, humble yourself and seek to listen as much as you talk.
  • Encourage your kids to ask questions and then answer them tactfully and patiently.

 

Over time, your kids will grow to trust and love you.

 

Pay It Forward

Sir Charles Barkley once said, “I am not a role model.” But dads, you need to be. The “strong, silent type” is not the best role model for your kids, they need to know the real you. Talk with them; spend time with them. Open your heart and your life to them. Share the wisdom that you have, that which cost you so much to gain.

 

The Origin of Santa Claus

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The model for Santa Claus was a fourth-century Christian bishop named Saint Nicholas. Little is known about the real Nicholas, except that he was probably the bishop of Lycia. In the Middle Ages, when it became popular to venerate saints, legends about Nicholas began to flourish. One said he had given three bags of gold to the daughters of a poor man so that the girls would not have to earn their dowries through prostitution. Another claimed he had miraculously restored three little boys to life after they had been cut up for bacon. Thus Nicholas became known as a giver of gifts and the patron saint of children. His day is December 6.

 

Nicholas was particularly popular in Holland. It is there that the customs linking Nicholas to Christmas seem to have first begun. Dutch children expected the friendly saint to visit them during the night on December 5, and they developed the custom of placing their wooden shoes by the fireplace to be filled with gifts. Santa Claus is the Americanization of his Dutch name, Sinterklaas.

 

Of course, by the time Santa Claus became a part of American lore, children had discovered that you can get a lot more gifts in a sock than you can in a wooden shoe, so that adjustment to the custom was made in the mid-nineteenth century.

 

Clement Moore, an American poet, may be more responsible than any other person for popularizing the myth of Santa Claus. He wrote “A Visit from St. Nicholas” in 1822 which begins with the famous line, “‘Twas the night before Christmas,” and it was published in the Troy New York Sentinel. It was immediately popular and has endured ever since.

 

** Adapted from John MacArthur, in God With Us, the Miracle of Christmas, 1989. More information may be found here.

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Freedom of Choice for Teens

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I recently read about Tim Stafford’s advice to hurting parents, regarding a son’s irresponsibility toward himself and his behavior. He mentions “Three Rules of Life” that I find very positive: 

  • Rule 1 – You live and die by your own choices.
  • Rule 2 – You can choose smart or you can choose stupid.
  • Rule 3 – There’s always somebody or some circumstance whose job it is to make your life miserable when you choose stupid.  

 

Regarding rule # 1 – While we cannot control people or circumstances around us, we can control the way we respond to people or situations. Someone might do something that makes me angry, but it is my choice to actually be angry. The Bible mentions that God has set before us life and death, (Deuteronomy 30:15) and we must make a choice as to which we want. It’s called free will, a gift of God Himself, but with our choices come consequences (leading to rule number 2).

 

Regarding rule #2 – The debate might come on how you define that which is smart and that which is stupid. We have a list of the smart choices and our kids have a list of smart choices, but the problem comes when I see something on my stupid list showing up on my child’s smart list. So, the solution is to use a predetermined list from Someone who is all together wise and perfect! Use the Bible as the standard for life and making choices. There may be a few gray areas, but look for the principles, and be fair to the text. But, please don’t pull out verses like Exodus 21:17.

 

Regarding rule #3 – If you choose stupid, there always will come a day when it comes back to bite you. If you choose smart, give your kids the credit for making a wise decision! You’ll face a judge (stealing), fail a grade (not doing homework), be in an auto accident (drinking and driving), develop cancer (smoking), catch an STD (for the obvious)…

 

You cannot make someone change who does not want to change, which is basic counseling advice. It doesn’t work in a marriage with alcoholics or drug addicts. Secular wisdom tells us that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. There is nothing that you can do to make your kids change, but you can reward smart choices and give consequences for poor ones. So, our job as parents is to influence our kids in the right direction. Influence is the essence of leadership.

 

Years ago I read a book called, ToughLove, and another called Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, The point of the first was to have rebellious teenagers experience the consequences for their actions, and the latter had a section that challenged parents to at times “pull the rug out from under their kids and watch them tumble.” 

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Gift-Giving During a Money Crunch

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Times are tough. Money is tight. While many Christians are hoping for a white Christmas, for a lot of us, we might be anticipating a blue Christmas. Gas prices may be half of what they were a month ago but the cost of everything else is still pretty high!

 

Our kids are caught in a materialistic society, and parents are not immune. We want the newest gadget, the latest toy, the upgraded phone or gaming system. When do we reach a level of satisfaction and contentment? Oops, that’s for another time…

 

Gift-giving is a Christmas tradition in the western world; it is expected. Our kids cannot even imagine Christmas without packages. We might like the message of the Grinch; that Christmas came anyway, even without all the packages, boxes and bags. Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more! But how can we emphasize the Gift of Christmas over Christmas gifts?

 

Here’s a radical idea, how about choosing gifts this year based on a biblical theme? ** For example, as we read about Jesus in Luke 2:52, that He grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man, perhaps we can find items to fit these four categories. Give a board game or a book that promotes wisdom. Stature might warrant clothing or a sporting item. A devotional book might help your child grow in favor with God. A DVD or a video game might foster relationships with their friends. It would be important to explain the significance of each of these gifts!

 

Helping your kids understand a family budget might cut back on the notion that mom and dad have money growing on a tree somewhere. Resist using your plastic! Explain the reality of Proverbs 22:7 (just one verse after the admonition to train our children in the way they should go).

 

You can always find a way to serve others, taking the focus off of ourselves and putting on to others. Giving back is the latest craze. Gather items for our Christmas basket give-away. Bake cookies for your neighbors or shut-ins. Sponsor a child in the Chande Orphanage Project. Serve a meal at the homeless shelter.

 

Christmas will always be meaningful to a believer, whether there are a lot of packages under the tree or not. Focus on the reason for the season! Thanks be to God for His indescribable Gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15)

 

** I got this idea from Kelly King in Oklahoma. 

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Get Rid of Stinkin' Thinkin'

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I recently read about Nancy Kline, author of Time to Think, who has spent more than 20 years coaching companies and individuals to think more effectively and creatively. She has iden­tified 10 key enablers to improve thinking; and I like two in particular:

  • Listening with respect and without interruption.
  • Looking at all the facts in a situation. 

These two make sense to me… not bad suggestions for getting along with people… like at home, at work, in our marriages. Imagine, listening with respect and without interruption. To me this demonstrates dignity and assigns value to the other person. What they have to say is important, so we should listen carefully and not be thinking about how we should reply! Think of others as more important than yourself.

 

The other one, looking at all the facts before making a judgment is always a good idea! How often do we fly off the handle before we know all about what the current situation? Then comes the regret, embarrassment and perhaps other consequences with which we must deal.

 

How about wisdom from an ancient source? God has a great plan that has stood throughout the ages… take a look at Romans 12:2. 

 

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” 

 

A NEW WAY OF THINKING

Albert Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet if we look honestly at our lives, we often live “insanely.”

  • We want a better relation­ship with our wives, but we don’t implement the necessary changes to make it happen.
  • We want to spend more time with our children, but urgent things at the office keep us tied up.
  • We want to eat better and exercise more, yet the drive thru and the couch win out. You get the idea.

The longer we continue to live in the insanity of good intentions, the more likely that we’ll eventually become disillusioned and hopeless. Einstein understood our dilemma and said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Amen, Albert.

 

RENEWING YOUR MIND

Our God is a God of newness. He wants us to think creatively and see life in fresh ways. Romans 12:2 says just that! Despite the fact that we’re constantly thinking, most of us tend not to think much about the qual­ity of our thoughts. Paul tells us on what we ought to think, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Phil 4:8).

 

God gave us amazing minds that can solve problems, dream big dreams, and seek His will if we will but use them! If you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of insanity, give your­self permission to think differently. Break out of the insanity of “conformed” thinking.

 

SO NOW WHAT?

Identify an area of your life that conforms too closely to the patterns of this world. How can you change it? Develop an action plan to change your thinking. The old saying is still true, “Garbage in, garbage out.” Works with computers, works with the human mind. There is a lot of stuff out there that will inhibit our progress toward our goal (or becoming better fathers, husbands, bosses or employees).

 

One does not have to join a monastery to gain the mind of Christ, but we do have to take ourselves off the throne of our lives and allow our sovereign Boss to guide us throughout life. How does that happen? By simply getting into His Word and letting it permeate our lives! Thoughts will modify attitudes, attitudes will modify behavior, and behavior will demonstrate what we consider to be our life’s priorities. 

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Change that is Really Needed

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Presidential candidates always promise change; one says he can deliver and the other says he can’t. We crave what the word represents, with a hope that perhaps one man truly can make a difference. But how will America experience real change? We have to change the society! Consider the information in the box, on how to get society right…

getmenrightIn his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldridge tells us that since men are made in the image of God, they understand their own natures by looking at how God has expressed His own nature. He mentions three expressions: a warrior, a lover and an adventurer.

  1. As a warrior, God battled satan for the souls of men.
  2. As a lover, Jesus gave himself for his bride, the church.
  3. As an adventurer, God created humanity and risked everything by giving us freedom to reject him.

So, the author contends that men are looking for a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue, and an adventure to live.

In the series, Quest for Authentic Manhood, Robert Lewis teaches that men need to look at the example of Jesus’ masculinity as their test for true north. We either live in the shadow of the first Adam (mere existence) or the second Adam (a life-giving spirit) (see 1 Corinthians 15:45-49, Romans 5:17-19). The shadow a man chooses determines the kind of man and father he will become.

Why is Men’s Ministry so important? Because so much is at stake! Men are in a battle for their souls, their marriages, their families, and you see that society is ultimately affected. Let’s change America together; leaving no man left behind.

Gentle Jesus Meek and Mild?

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I think it is important to help children see the manhood of Jesus, but I’m afraid we don’t get a lot of help in this regard. I imagine that in the typical church, listening to sermons and Bible studies one hears only the softer side of Christ presented. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine who is in full time men’s ministry recently asked participants in two seminars to list characteristics of Christ. In both the women’s seminar and the men’s seminar, the descriptors were words like loving, forgiving, kind, compassionate, gentle. These are but a few words that are not very compelling to men.

 

I agree Jesus was all of these things; the most incredible example of each of these characteristics, but there’s more. He was also the most worthwhile example of courage, tenacity, service, assertiveness, righteousness, leadership, determination and godliness. These are characteristics that are more likely to get a man’s attention. Think about it, do we hear about these things often enough in sermons or in our Bible studies?

 

As an example, my friend Mike, from Noble Warriors, shared this story:

 

A couple of years ago I was asked to fill in as a substitute coach for my son’s Upward team. At the end of the game, I got to celebrate the kid’s efforts by giving out stars. After each game, stars are given to kids to recognize; Best Offense, Best Defense, Best Effort, Best Sportsmanship and Most Christlike.

 

There were eight kids on the team, four boys and four girls. This was week five in the season. I looked at the recognition chart and realized that all four girls had been awarded Most Christlike stars, one each week for the previous four weeks. Not a single boy had been awarded a Most Christlike star. Wow! I think that we have all been programmed to think about how nice Christ was and it’s probably easier for most of us to see someone being nice on the soccer field and recognize that child as Christlike.

 

I made a quick decision and gathered the parents around for the recognition time. I gave out the other stars then proceeded to explain that I like to observe characteristics of Christ that others may not think of very often. When I read the gospels, I see that Christ was tenacious, focused on the goal, determined, assertive, and that he was fully obedient to his Father’s will. I gave Most Christlike stars to two little boys who were tenacious, focused, determined, confident, assertive and obedient and made a big deal of how these two had followed Christ’s example of manhood.

 

I think we’d have more men following Jesus if we did a better job of helping men understand His incredible example of masculinity. I want to challenge you to keep this in mind as you read about Jesus in the gospels. Every time you read your Bible this week, look for passages where you recognize Jesus as an example of manhood. This simple challenge could open your eyes to some characteristics of Christ that you hadn’t noticed previously… and help you understand your own manhood.

The King’s Grant Men of Steel are meeting at the pavilion this Saturday, November 8 @ 7:30 to discuss this issue! 

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Unless the Lord Builds the Home

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We had a great time at the pavilion last Saturday, a bit cold and a little damp, but what is a man of steel without a little rust? It would be like having power tools without scratches on them! The saying, “I would rather burn out than rust out” perhaps means we should live life to the fullest, don’t hold back, take a risk, follow through on your good intentions, be the hero to your family that you want to be… The old analysis of “rust” is that men can be old, broken and worn out, and chock-full of inactivity; but the new generation should see Men of Steel (perhaps with a little rust) as being seasoned, weathered, unpolished, rough, steadfast, structurally sound, tested and true.

In regard to the topic from this past weekend, the handout was from the Man in the MIrror ministry, and is found here. My blog article that I mentioned about the Overload Syndrome may be found here, complete with a prescription for dealing with correcting overload in our priorities.

October 25 and November 1

Remember that this Saturday October 25 is Operation Inasmuch, so we will not meet as Men of Steel that morning. All community mission teams will meet in the sanctuary at 8:00 for prayer and marching orders for the day.

On Saturday November 1, since the women’s ministry has two separate events, the dad’s (and you single guys are welcome, too) are going to meet at 9:30 for a father/son or dad/daughter fun outing. Suggestions have been bowling at the Hilltop Pinboys or the mini-golf, driving range and batting cage on Holland Road (to be determined later). If you have small children, come on anyway, as a group we can make this work for all of us!

A devotional thought for this week – Psalm 127:1-5 Here’s what I see…

  1. Ps 127:1 tells me that men will often do a lot of work and put great effort into building their homes… not the house, but your home, your marriage and children. It is good to try and build your homes, but this verse reminds us that if God is left out of the picture the effort is futile or in vain. A family without God can never experience the God-designed spiritual bond that He intends for relationships. Don’t make the mistake of leaving God out of your life, or your daily activity. If we make God the foundation of our home, which is our highest priority, we allow Him to build the home as He knows best.
  2. Ps 127:2 reminds me that working hard is not the sin here, but rather working too much (sunup to sundown). It’s like neglecting the most important people in our lives, which is senseless. Take time to rest at home with your loved ones.
  3. Ps 127:3-5 mentions children being a gift and a reward from the Lord, and men are blessed to have many children. Today, many people see kids as liabilities, a distraction or a nuisance, keeping us form what we really want to do, or they are financially way too expensive (growing out of clothing too fast, going off to college, healthcare, etc.). But we learn valuable lessons from our kids, too. Simple questions from kids can help us rediscover new things in fresh ways. After being a believer for 12 years, I didn’t really understand the love that my heavenly Father has for me until I became a father myself. The emotion can be overwhelming, I know how much I love Stephen and Bethany, and that doesn’t even come close to how much God loves me!
  4. The quiver is full of them? A quiver of arrows was generally five! Times have certainly changed. I read that the average American family has around two children, but the truth is the same, that children are precious and a gift. Arrows in the warrior’s hand may mean that our children will stand with us when times in the hood get tough; we survive adversity because God builds a strong home, having family who stand with us! Our kids are a reward, much like the promise given to Abraham, that he would be a great nation and his offspring would be like the sand of the earth or the stars of the sky, (Genesis 15:5 and Genesis 13:15).

John Maxwell on Leadership (Psalm 127):

  1. People cannot provide permanent security for the leader.
  2. Leaders should never put their emotional health into the hands of someone else.
  3. Spiritual and emotional health requires the truth.
  4. Leaders must remember that hurting people naturally hurt people.
  5. Trouble arises when leaders depend upon people to do what only God can do.

Consider passing this note to friends that you would like to join the Men of Steel. This is a word-of-mouth ministry!

Seven Ways to Help Your Teen in School

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Today I read an article by Will Snipes that I wanted to pass along:

 

The middle school and high school years represent some of the most challenging years for a teen. Not only are academics in play, but all the other areas of teen development. These seven tips can help you stay connected to your teen both academically and socially.  

  1. Spend intentional time together. This could be as simple as turning off the radio in favor of some conversation in the car or making sure family meals still happen. Either way, try to ask questions without prying. Creating intentional moments to connect will pay off in truly understanding your teen.
  2. Check assignments. Although middle school creates a growing sense of independence, students still need accountability. Look through notebooks and ask questions about directions and due dates. Do your homework by signing papers and returning parental correspondence on time.
  3. Encourage organization. Teens juggle multiple classes, assignments, and a multitude of paperwork. If you have a disorganized teen, help them get organized by purchasing an organization system to fit his needs. Help them learn which papers need to be saved and which can be discarded. 
  4. Know your teen’s friends. Transition years bring new friends into the mix. Take the time to get to know these new friends and their families. Invite them over and always make your home a place where kids can feel comfortable hanging out. Look for opportunities to minister to new friends and new families.
  5. Get involved at school. There is a big drop-off in parent involvement from elementary school to middle school and especially at the high school level. Suddenly, it’s no longer quite so “cool” to have your mom or dad around. At the same time, parents need to be a visible presence, so find a way to volunteer. Get to know your teen’s teachers. Let them know that you want to be informed and involved.
  6. Increase responsibility. Teens are certainly busy with school and extra-curricular activities, but they need to also help out at home. By giving your teen responsibilities at home, you will help grow a stronger sense of independence. Give your teen some options and then stress “working together toward a goal as a family” when it comes to completing duties or tasks.
  7. Promote student involvement. Encourage your teen to stay involved in church activities and to try to get involved with a sport or hobby. Help them find a healthy place to connect with peers and adults who can push them in the right direction.  

–Will Snipes spends his summer speaking at various youth camps and events. He then returns each fall to his full-time job as a middle school teacher and coach in Traveler’s Rest, South Carolina.

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