Category: Marriage

Ten Questions to Ask Your Wife

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Do an Internet search on the “ten questions” and you can find them listed, but here I can add some commentary! I was working at the home office of the International Mission Board when Dr. Tom Elliff came to be the Special Assistant to the President for Spiritual Formation (I doubt that title will even fit on a business card). Tom Elliff  is now former president of the IMB. Tom’s original position was a rewarding one for the staff. I remember hearing quality teaching, not only out of the Bible but also flowing out of his extensive life experiences as a missionary, pastor and teacher. On one occasion, during our Spiritual Emphasis Week, Tom shared these ten questions.

Since the Men of Steel are “in it to win it,” we intend to be the best husbands and fathers we can be, not working in our own strength but in the strength found only through our connection with Christ. The base line challenge today comes out of 1 Peter 3:7 where Peter says,

“…husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Did you get that? Our relationship with God can be hindered by the way we treat our wives! You know, the Bible records that Jesus asked a lot of questions. So, it might be good for us to ask a few questions as well. These are the 10 questions we should ask our wives every year. Ask, and let her respond. The goal is to know her heart:

  1. What could I do to make you feel more loved and cherished? The emphasis is on feeling and not knowing. Think about verbal affirmation of your love. She knows you love her, but does she feel that you love her?
  2. How can I best demonstrate my appreciation for you, your ideas, and your role as my wife? We may speak to others about our wives being the “better half,” but do they feel that their ideas, concerns and input is really up to half in the relationship? Do you brag about her to others? What do her friends tell her about what they heard you say about her?
  3. What could I do to assure you that I hear and understand your heart? Maybe her answer might be, “Asking me these questions is a good start!” A lot of couples have very little understanding of the other. Often times we build walls around us to protect ourselves from pain or shame. We don’t want our wives to know the truth because deep down we believe they will respect or love us less if they only knew the truth.
  4. What could I do to make you feel absolutely secure? How do you protect your wife? Physically is one way, providing a safe place to live without fear, but how about emotionally, spiritually or even morally? Tom told us a story about a husband who was watching TV and the wife watched him watch TV. The point was, watching a television program is one thing, watching TV (flipping channels looking for stuff) is something else. Can our wives see our moral integrity and the marriage relationship going down for the count?
  5. What can I do to ensure that you have confidence and joy in our future direction? The key word in this question is “our.” Does your wife feel that you are both together looking forward to and building the future, or is she just following you? Each cannot be just “doing their own thing” and living under the same roof.
  6. What attribute or practice would you like me to develop or improve? Is there something in my life you would prefer I eliminated? Face it, life means always seeing the opportunity for improvement.
  7. What attribute would you like me to help you develop in yourself? How can I help you in the best possible way? Not all problems can be solved with words. She can now help you to get the picture! How can you be a true partner with your wife?
  8. What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy to your heart? The Bible is filled with examples of people whose lives were not over until it was over; like Caleb and Joshua, the spies and the Promised Land. The goal kept these two going through 40 years of wandering. A husband needs clear and positive objectives for the second half of life. Nothing encourages a man more than the privilege of accomplishment.
  9. What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more like Christ? Perhaps a deeper prayer life, full commitment to learning the Word of God, sensitivity to sinful activity, elimination of bad habits, friends, practices, a life marked by the Holy Spirit (bearing fruit – Galatians 5:22-23), that Christ is running the show rather than you.
  10. What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish? Marriage is not about me, it’s about us. How can we make the most of our time spent on this earth?

Tom and his wife set aside a weekend retreat each year. Will you commit to ask these questions of your wife?

PS: if wives are looking for ten questions to ask her husband, check out what Tom’s wife asks him every year.

Treasure Your Wife

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The Bible has a lot to say about riches and treasure. Jesus actually said more about financial matters than He did about faith, salvation, heaven or hell. Much of it revolves around our attitude toward riches.

One Bible verse jumps out at me when it comes to the proper focus on treasure, Matthew 6:21. Jesus tells us that where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. So think about two things, your treasure and your heart. No one can see into your soul or your heart except you and God, so be honest with yourself. Think about what you value most in life.

For you married guys, I pray that you realize your wife is your greatest treasure. It’s not your job, your kids, or even the skills you have to do something great for humanity. Your wife fills a void that no one else and nothing else can fill. Our wives are designed not only as complete and competent individuals, but to be our suitable helpers as well. After all, God is the one who said it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).

How can you express to your wife that she is the treasure of your life?

  1. Treasure your wife by verbally expressing how much you value her as a person.
  2. Treasure her by telling and showing her how grateful you are that she is in your life.
  3. Treasure her by making your marriage a priority, and helping her to know it.
  4. Treasure her in your thought life, maintaining purity.
  5. Treasure her in prayer by regularly bringing her to God’s throne of grace.
  6. Treasure her by following through with your promises.
  7. Treasure her by serving her, and sacrificing yourself every day.
  8. Treasure her by helping and encouraging her to reach for her personal and professional goals.

This is the day to begin treasuring your wife!

This weekend I was asked, “What day are you on?” regarding the Love Dare book, from the feature film, Fireproof. I quickly realized that I had not followed through with intentionality! It’s time to start over. For your treasure’s sake, recommitted yourself to the challenge. Remember the reason you married her in the first place!

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Gift-Giving During a Money Crunch

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Times are tough. Money is tight. While many Christians are hoping for a white Christmas, for a lot of us, we might be anticipating a blue Christmas. Gas prices may be half of what they were a month ago but the cost of everything else is still pretty high!

 

Our kids are caught in a materialistic society, and parents are not immune. We want the newest gadget, the latest toy, the upgraded phone or gaming system. When do we reach a level of satisfaction and contentment? Oops, that’s for another time…

 

Gift-giving is a Christmas tradition in the western world; it is expected. Our kids cannot even imagine Christmas without packages. We might like the message of the Grinch; that Christmas came anyway, even without all the packages, boxes and bags. Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more! But how can we emphasize the Gift of Christmas over Christmas gifts?

 

Here’s a radical idea, how about choosing gifts this year based on a biblical theme? ** For example, as we read about Jesus in Luke 2:52, that He grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man, perhaps we can find items to fit these four categories. Give a board game or a book that promotes wisdom. Stature might warrant clothing or a sporting item. A devotional book might help your child grow in favor with God. A DVD or a video game might foster relationships with their friends. It would be important to explain the significance of each of these gifts!

 

Helping your kids understand a family budget might cut back on the notion that mom and dad have money growing on a tree somewhere. Resist using your plastic! Explain the reality of Proverbs 22:7 (just one verse after the admonition to train our children in the way they should go).

 

You can always find a way to serve others, taking the focus off of ourselves and putting on to others. Giving back is the latest craze. Gather items for our Christmas basket give-away. Bake cookies for your neighbors or shut-ins. Sponsor a child in the Chande Orphanage Project. Serve a meal at the homeless shelter.

 

Christmas will always be meaningful to a believer, whether there are a lot of packages under the tree or not. Focus on the reason for the season! Thanks be to God for His indescribable Gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15)

 

** I got this idea from Kelly King in Oklahoma. 

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Get Rid of Stinkin' Thinkin'

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I recently read about Nancy Kline, author of Time to Think, who has spent more than 20 years coaching companies and individuals to think more effectively and creatively. She has iden­tified 10 key enablers to improve thinking; and I like two in particular:

  • Listening with respect and without interruption.
  • Looking at all the facts in a situation. 

These two make sense to me… not bad suggestions for getting along with people… like at home, at work, in our marriages. Imagine, listening with respect and without interruption. To me this demonstrates dignity and assigns value to the other person. What they have to say is important, so we should listen carefully and not be thinking about how we should reply! Think of others as more important than yourself.

 

The other one, looking at all the facts before making a judgment is always a good idea! How often do we fly off the handle before we know all about what the current situation? Then comes the regret, embarrassment and perhaps other consequences with which we must deal.

 

How about wisdom from an ancient source? God has a great plan that has stood throughout the ages… take a look at Romans 12:2. 

 

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” 

 

A NEW WAY OF THINKING

Albert Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet if we look honestly at our lives, we often live “insanely.”

  • We want a better relation­ship with our wives, but we don’t implement the necessary changes to make it happen.
  • We want to spend more time with our children, but urgent things at the office keep us tied up.
  • We want to eat better and exercise more, yet the drive thru and the couch win out. You get the idea.

The longer we continue to live in the insanity of good intentions, the more likely that we’ll eventually become disillusioned and hopeless. Einstein understood our dilemma and said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Amen, Albert.

 

RENEWING YOUR MIND

Our God is a God of newness. He wants us to think creatively and see life in fresh ways. Romans 12:2 says just that! Despite the fact that we’re constantly thinking, most of us tend not to think much about the qual­ity of our thoughts. Paul tells us on what we ought to think, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Phil 4:8).

 

God gave us amazing minds that can solve problems, dream big dreams, and seek His will if we will but use them! If you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of insanity, give your­self permission to think differently. Break out of the insanity of “conformed” thinking.

 

SO NOW WHAT?

Identify an area of your life that conforms too closely to the patterns of this world. How can you change it? Develop an action plan to change your thinking. The old saying is still true, “Garbage in, garbage out.” Works with computers, works with the human mind. There is a lot of stuff out there that will inhibit our progress toward our goal (or becoming better fathers, husbands, bosses or employees).

 

One does not have to join a monastery to gain the mind of Christ, but we do have to take ourselves off the throne of our lives and allow our sovereign Boss to guide us throughout life. How does that happen? By simply getting into His Word and letting it permeate our lives! Thoughts will modify attitudes, attitudes will modify behavior, and behavior will demonstrate what we consider to be our life’s priorities. 

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Activity Without Achievement

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I recently ran across this story:

 

In a somewhat recent story in the L.A. Times, legendary coach John Wooden gave a different take on his famous saying, “Be quick but don’t hurry.” During UCLA’s game against Kansas, Wooden noticed Kansas was sometimes out of control and hurried too much. “I call that activity without achievement;’ said Wooden. (Source)

 

GETTING NOWHERE QUICKLY

Continuing the basketball theme, a basketball team that continues to aimlessly throw the ball around the perimeter of the defense without ever looking to attack will soon discover that the shot clock is quickly winding down and they’ve got to launch something up or they’ll turn the ball over with a shot clock violation. That kind of offense is, as Coach Wooden put it, “activity without achievement.” Too many unproductive trips down the court like that and they’ve got no shot at winning the game.

 

We sometimes do the same thing in life. We busy ourselves with a flurry of activity but seldom question whether our activity is achieving anything significant. We figure that as long as we’re doing stuff, good things must be happening. That’s not necessarily the case. Honestly, one of the hardest things to do in life is think clearly and well. It’s so much easier to avoid tough questions and just mindlessly go with the flow.

 

GETTING SOMEWHERE RIGHT ON TIME

The key to personal effectiveness, to achieving anything worthwhile, is to trust the Lord for a game plan and for the ability to execute it. We can accomplish more in an hour with His help than we can in a week without it. Or, as Psalm 127:1 puts it: “Unless the LORD builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain.” So go ahead and work hard. But be smart about it.

 

QUESTIONS FOR THE MEN OF STEEL TO CONSIDER

1.   Have you ever been called a work-a-holic? Why?

2.   What does Solomon renounce in Ps 127:1? How do those who rely upon their own efforts see their work? (127:2)

3.   Is the beginning of this psalm tied to the end? What is said about large families? What happens at the gate?

4.   Is God building your business? Family? Support systems? Or are you?

5.   Jewish society promoted big families. Are the obsolete today? Does society help or hurt family unity?

 

BOTTOM LINE

Are there areas of your life where you feel like you’re laboring in vain? Ask yourself if you’re trusting the Lord in these areas. 

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Change that is Really Needed

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Presidential candidates always promise change; one says he can deliver and the other says he can’t. We crave what the word represents, with a hope that perhaps one man truly can make a difference. But how will America experience real change? We have to change the society! Consider the information in the box, on how to get society right…

getmenrightIn his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldridge tells us that since men are made in the image of God, they understand their own natures by looking at how God has expressed His own nature. He mentions three expressions: a warrior, a lover and an adventurer.

  1. As a warrior, God battled satan for the souls of men.
  2. As a lover, Jesus gave himself for his bride, the church.
  3. As an adventurer, God created humanity and risked everything by giving us freedom to reject him.

So, the author contends that men are looking for a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue, and an adventure to live.

In the series, Quest for Authentic Manhood, Robert Lewis teaches that men need to look at the example of Jesus’ masculinity as their test for true north. We either live in the shadow of the first Adam (mere existence) or the second Adam (a life-giving spirit) (see 1 Corinthians 15:45-49, Romans 5:17-19). The shadow a man chooses determines the kind of man and father he will become.

Why is Men’s Ministry so important? Because so much is at stake! Men are in a battle for their souls, their marriages, their families, and you see that society is ultimately affected. Let’s change America together; leaving no man left behind.

Gentle Jesus Meek and Mild?

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I think it is important to help children see the manhood of Jesus, but I’m afraid we don’t get a lot of help in this regard. I imagine that in the typical church, listening to sermons and Bible studies one hears only the softer side of Christ presented. As a matter of fact, a friend of mine who is in full time men’s ministry recently asked participants in two seminars to list characteristics of Christ. In both the women’s seminar and the men’s seminar, the descriptors were words like loving, forgiving, kind, compassionate, gentle. These are but a few words that are not very compelling to men.

 

I agree Jesus was all of these things; the most incredible example of each of these characteristics, but there’s more. He was also the most worthwhile example of courage, tenacity, service, assertiveness, righteousness, leadership, determination and godliness. These are characteristics that are more likely to get a man’s attention. Think about it, do we hear about these things often enough in sermons or in our Bible studies?

 

As an example, my friend Mike, from Noble Warriors, shared this story:

 

A couple of years ago I was asked to fill in as a substitute coach for my son’s Upward team. At the end of the game, I got to celebrate the kid’s efforts by giving out stars. After each game, stars are given to kids to recognize; Best Offense, Best Defense, Best Effort, Best Sportsmanship and Most Christlike.

 

There were eight kids on the team, four boys and four girls. This was week five in the season. I looked at the recognition chart and realized that all four girls had been awarded Most Christlike stars, one each week for the previous four weeks. Not a single boy had been awarded a Most Christlike star. Wow! I think that we have all been programmed to think about how nice Christ was and it’s probably easier for most of us to see someone being nice on the soccer field and recognize that child as Christlike.

 

I made a quick decision and gathered the parents around for the recognition time. I gave out the other stars then proceeded to explain that I like to observe characteristics of Christ that others may not think of very often. When I read the gospels, I see that Christ was tenacious, focused on the goal, determined, assertive, and that he was fully obedient to his Father’s will. I gave Most Christlike stars to two little boys who were tenacious, focused, determined, confident, assertive and obedient and made a big deal of how these two had followed Christ’s example of manhood.

 

I think we’d have more men following Jesus if we did a better job of helping men understand His incredible example of masculinity. I want to challenge you to keep this in mind as you read about Jesus in the gospels. Every time you read your Bible this week, look for passages where you recognize Jesus as an example of manhood. This simple challenge could open your eyes to some characteristics of Christ that you hadn’t noticed previously… and help you understand your own manhood.

The King’s Grant Men of Steel are meeting at the pavilion this Saturday, November 8 @ 7:30 to discuss this issue! 

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Unless the Lord Builds the Home

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We had a great time at the pavilion last Saturday, a bit cold and a little damp, but what is a man of steel without a little rust? It would be like having power tools without scratches on them! The saying, “I would rather burn out than rust out” perhaps means we should live life to the fullest, don’t hold back, take a risk, follow through on your good intentions, be the hero to your family that you want to be… The old analysis of “rust” is that men can be old, broken and worn out, and chock-full of inactivity; but the new generation should see Men of Steel (perhaps with a little rust) as being seasoned, weathered, unpolished, rough, steadfast, structurally sound, tested and true.

In regard to the topic from this past weekend, the handout was from the Man in the MIrror ministry, and is found here. My blog article that I mentioned about the Overload Syndrome may be found here, complete with a prescription for dealing with correcting overload in our priorities.

October 25 and November 1

Remember that this Saturday October 25 is Operation Inasmuch, so we will not meet as Men of Steel that morning. All community mission teams will meet in the sanctuary at 8:00 for prayer and marching orders for the day.

On Saturday November 1, since the women’s ministry has two separate events, the dad’s (and you single guys are welcome, too) are going to meet at 9:30 for a father/son or dad/daughter fun outing. Suggestions have been bowling at the Hilltop Pinboys or the mini-golf, driving range and batting cage on Holland Road (to be determined later). If you have small children, come on anyway, as a group we can make this work for all of us!

A devotional thought for this week – Psalm 127:1-5 Here’s what I see…

  1. Ps 127:1 tells me that men will often do a lot of work and put great effort into building their homes… not the house, but your home, your marriage and children. It is good to try and build your homes, but this verse reminds us that if God is left out of the picture the effort is futile or in vain. A family without God can never experience the God-designed spiritual bond that He intends for relationships. Don’t make the mistake of leaving God out of your life, or your daily activity. If we make God the foundation of our home, which is our highest priority, we allow Him to build the home as He knows best.
  2. Ps 127:2 reminds me that working hard is not the sin here, but rather working too much (sunup to sundown). It’s like neglecting the most important people in our lives, which is senseless. Take time to rest at home with your loved ones.
  3. Ps 127:3-5 mentions children being a gift and a reward from the Lord, and men are blessed to have many children. Today, many people see kids as liabilities, a distraction or a nuisance, keeping us form what we really want to do, or they are financially way too expensive (growing out of clothing too fast, going off to college, healthcare, etc.). But we learn valuable lessons from our kids, too. Simple questions from kids can help us rediscover new things in fresh ways. After being a believer for 12 years, I didn’t really understand the love that my heavenly Father has for me until I became a father myself. The emotion can be overwhelming, I know how much I love Stephen and Bethany, and that doesn’t even come close to how much God loves me!
  4. The quiver is full of them? A quiver of arrows was generally five! Times have certainly changed. I read that the average American family has around two children, but the truth is the same, that children are precious and a gift. Arrows in the warrior’s hand may mean that our children will stand with us when times in the hood get tough; we survive adversity because God builds a strong home, having family who stand with us! Our kids are a reward, much like the promise given to Abraham, that he would be a great nation and his offspring would be like the sand of the earth or the stars of the sky, (Genesis 15:5 and Genesis 13:15).

John Maxwell on Leadership (Psalm 127):

  1. People cannot provide permanent security for the leader.
  2. Leaders should never put their emotional health into the hands of someone else.
  3. Spiritual and emotional health requires the truth.
  4. Leaders must remember that hurting people naturally hurt people.
  5. Trouble arises when leaders depend upon people to do what only God can do.

Consider passing this note to friends that you would like to join the Men of Steel. This is a word-of-mouth ministry!

How to Spot Overload in Your Life

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In America, we are way too busy… work, school, after school classes, scouts, baseball, cheerleading, swim practice, ballet, piano lessons, and the list goes on. We tend to over stimulate our kids and wonder why a peaceful evening at home with the family never happens.

I found this in a recent HomeLife magazine: Since faith moves us toward action, basically to love like Christ, we volunteer in church, the community and other charitable organizations. But we often find ourselves taking on too much. We fear that saying no will lead to guilt and obligation. But there are times that we need to take time out.

  1. When we are spending less time with the Father – the nature of relationships is that we spend time with those most important to us. Concerning God, how much time do we give to Him in Bible study, prayer, reflection, worship? If you’re crowding out that time, you’re too busy.
  2. When you’re neglecting your family and loved ones – it seems counter-productive, but it is possible to allow your work and service activities to take you away from those closest to you, which is not a place you want to be.
  3. When you’re physically, mentally and emotionally drained – realistically, how much good are you to others if you are exhausted? Not much. Remember that we are designed for rest and downtime, remember the 4th commandment? It’s not a bad thing, it’s a must.
  4. When your joy is gone – if you find yourself feeling no joy and satisfaction in the works of your faith or your daily life, you may be suffering from overload.

Dr. Richard Swenson, M.D. wrote a neat little book called, The Overload Syndrome, where he challenges readers to live within their limits. Chapter four hits this “activity and commitment” issue right on the head. Here’s the doctor’s Rx:

  1. Reestablish control on your life and schedule – be active and intentional in this correction, avoiding self-pity.
  2. Prioritize activities and commitments – start with priorities from God’s Word, look through God’s eyes and then act on what is seen, seek first His kingdom and the rest will follow, and remember that people are always more important than things.
  3. Practice saying NO to good things – it’s easy to say no to bad things, but the goal is control on your life. But it is never an excuse for laziness or non-involvement.
  4. Consider doing less, not more – make sure to do the right things, not just more things.
  5. Periodically prune your activities.
  6. Limit your long-term commitments.
  7. Work to establish and maintain balance.
  8. Guard the dinner hour.
  9. Restore the practice of Sabbath rest.

Not a bad prescription to bring the margin and balance back into your life.

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Balance and/or Priorities in Life

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I trust the week has gone well for you all. Our list of men has increased by five this week. Remember that the topics are not sequential, so coming back after missing a Saturday is quite easy, no catching up!

Last Saturday I was challenged to find something on “balance.” Generally this could mean balancing all the demands we have as men…family, work, play, sports, hobbies, you name it. One thing is for sure, when it comes to balance, setting priorities is the way to go! Ever notice that we will DO the stuff that is important to us. We make time, don’t we? We must remember the difference between the urgent and the important. How can you tell the difference?

Check out this teaching video, about 30 minutes or so, from Pat Morley, the author of the Man in the Mirror book. The video Bible study is on priorities, likely the root cause of our need for balance. Then think about these questions:

  1. How do your dreams and hopes for your children reflect your priorities? Do they reveal weak spots or blind spots?
  2. Read Matthew 22:36-38 and think about the significance of this command on the way we prioritize our time and money.
  3. Read John 14:15, 21, 23 and think about the relationship between obedience and loving God. What is something that you have done for God even though it was unpleasant?
  4. Name an area in your relationship with God that you are not doing all you should. What are you willing to do to improve?
  5. Read John 15:12-14 and think about who you are willing to die for.
  6. Read Genesis 2:15 and think about ways your vocation might contribute to God’s agenda.
  7. What good work might God be calling you to do?
  8. Is rest a priority with you, or do you feel guilty when you are relaxing? What is the Jesus position on relaxing (Matthew 11:28-30)?
  9. Think about how the world competes with biblical priorities. Any examples in your life?

Remember this is not homework! But try to view the priorities video and think about some of these questions. I have a conference all day on Saturday but will be at the KGBC pavilion 7:30-8:30, and then will have to take off!