Category: Humor

Praise Team Penalties

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In honor of football season, I thought it would be fun to see what penalties can be thrown at the praise team!

  1. False Start: when the worship leader skips the lead break & jumps back into the chorus.
  2. Roughing the Pastor: when the praise team takes too much time leaving the sermon rushed or going past 12:00.
  3. Illegal Use of the Budget: when the praise team buys a killer sound and light system with a smoke machine and pyrotechnics.
  4. Penalty Challenge Flags: when deacons throw the penalty flag to challenge the key the praise team sings the newest Tomlin tune.
  5. Delay of Benediction: when the praise team repeats the final song’s chorus until it is memorized by the congregation.
  6. Encroachment: when the praise team knows the message is 25 minutes long and they don’t start the sermon video until 11:40.
  7. Face Masking: when the praise team makes the congregation sing songs of personal reflection & commitment, thus challenging people to remove the masks they often wear to church.
  8. Holding: when the praise team tells people to hold hands for prayer, or while singing a “community building” song (like “bless be the tie that binds” or “we are one in the bond of love”). Man-up the church!
  9. Illegal Contact: when the praise team takes that command to “greet one another with a holy kiss” too far.
  10. Illegal Formation: when the praise team sets up with three guitars, a bass guitar, two drummers, a keyboard and four vocalists.
  11. Illegal Motion: when the praise team gets people worked up swaying to the music, closing their eyes and raising their hands, so that the deacons have to step in.
  12. Neutral Zone Infraction: when the praise team allows the front row to form a mosh pit.
  13. Offside: when the praise team sets up the stage with a total lack of symmetry. Alternate penalty: when the praise team is so loud on the final song that someone responding to the invitation must be taken off to the side to talk or pray.
  14. Intentional Grounding: when the praise team makes people sit down during the offering time music.

What other penalties will you add to this list? Comment below. These are specific in context to The Well at King’s Grant Baptist.

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Movie Names with “Preacher”

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As part of a Twitter hashtag #ReplaceMovieNamesWithPreacher, I thought I’d list my top 100 (mine and others) worth sharing:

  1. My Big Fat Greek Preacher
  2. Willy Wonka and the Preacher Factory (aka seminary)
  3. The Preacher Trilogy:
    1. The Preacher’s Identity
    2. The Preacher’s Supremacy
    3. The Preacher’s Ultimatum
  4. Mortal Preacher or Preacher Kombat
  5. Preachers in Black, starring Freewill Smith
  6. Preacher on Elm Street
  7. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Preachers
  8. The Manchurian Preacher
  9. Preachers of the Caribbean: at World’s End
  10. Jurassic Preacher: the Lost World
  11. The Fast and the Furious Preacher
  12. Lord of the Rings:
    1. Fellowship of the Preacher
    2. Two Towering Preachers
    3. Return of the Preacher
  13. The X-Preachers
  14. The Preacher’s Wife… wait, that didn’t work
  15. Narnia: the Lion, the Preacher and the Wardrobe
  16. Napoleon Dynamite Preacher
  17. An American Preacher in Paris
  18. Broke Back Preacher
  19. Gang of Preachers
  20. Preacher at the Museum
  21. Diary of a Mad Black Preacher
  22. The Pink Preacher
  23. Dirty Rotten Preachers
  24. Look Who’s Preaching
  25. The Preacher of the Opera
  26. Abraham Lincoln, Preacher Hunter
  27. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Preacher
  28. Dances with Preachers
  29. Star Trek II: the Wrath of the Preacher
  30. One Flew Over the Preacher’s Nest
  31. Four Weddings and a Preacher
  32. Honey I Shrunk the Preacher
  33. Star Wars: the Preacher Strikes Back
  34. Preacher Versus Predator
  35. The Good, the Bad and the Preacher
  36. The Preacher Redemption
  37. Spike Lee’s, Preach the Right Thing
  38. The Last Preacher of Scotland
  39. The Preacher’s Speech
  40. The Day the Preacher Stood Still
  41. Preachers on a Plane
  42. The Preacher with the Dragon Tattoo
  43. O Preacher, Where Art Thou?
  44. Snow White and the Seven Preachers
  45. All Preachers Go to Heaven
  46. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Preacher
  47. Despicable Preacher
  48. 101 Preachers
  49. The Preacher Kid, or the Karate Preacher
  50. The Passion of the Preacher
  51. Indiana Jones and the Preacher of Doom
  52. Dial P for Preacher
  53. The Preacher Wears Prada
  54. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Preacher
  55. Gone with the Preacher
  56. The Preacher from the Black Lagoon
  57. The League of Extraordinary Preachers
  58. Beauty and the Preacher
  59. Blazing Preachers
  60. How to Lose a Preacher in 10 Days
  61. Preacher’s Just Not That in to You
  62. Jungle Preacher
  63. Preacher Got Mail
  64. We Were Preachers
  65. The Never-ending Preacher
  66. Preacher Hears a Who
  67. Million Dollar Preacher
  68. Lady and the Preacher
  69. The Best Little Preacher in Texas
  70. It’s a Wonderful Preacher
  71. The Preachers of Madison County
  72. Harry Potter and the Preacher of Fire
  73. Saving Preacher Ryan
  74. Preacher Age: the Meltdown
  75. Eat, Pray, Preach
  76. Monty Python and the Holy Preacher
  77. Indiana Jones and the Last Preacher
  78. Paul Blart: Mall Preacher
  79. Preachers in the Outfield
  80. Preach in 60 Seconds
  81. Bend it Like Preacher
  82. A Few Good Preachers
  83. Harry Potter and the Deathly Preacher
  84. The Amazing Preacher-Man
  85. Dead Preacher’s Society
  86. Top Gun Preacher
  87. The Emperor’s New Preacher
  88. High School Preacher: 1, 2 and 3
  89. Preacher 2: Judgment Day
  90. Mighty Morphing Power Preachers
  91. Preachers Inc.
  92. Talladega Preacher
  93. The Sound of Preachers
  94. Preach Another Day
  95. You Only Preach Twice
  96. Preachers Are Forever
  97. Live and Let Preach
  98. License to Preach
  99. I know What you Preached Last Summer
  100. Dude, Where’s My Preacher

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Human Recall Notice

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This is an e-mail floating around; I’ve seen it before, but thought it was appropriate to send out as we approach the new year (after all, the Mayan Calendar’s end is just 12 months away). Let’s set things right before we get to the end! While corny in a way, there is a lot of truth in this “recall notice.”

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been identified as “Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality,” more commonly known as S.I.N.

Some of the symptoms include :

  1. Loss of direction
  2. Foul vocal emissions
  3. Amnesia of origin
  4. Lack of peace and joy
  5. Selfish or violent behavior
  6. Depression or confusion
  7. Fearfulness
  8. Idolatry
  9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect. The Repair Technician , JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R .

  1. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure.
  2. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

  1. Love
  2. Joy
  3. Peace
  4. Patience
  5. Kindness
  6. Goodness
  7. Faithfulness
  8. Gentleness
  9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus .

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by Knee mail.

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Promotion for a Men’s Conference

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I saw this video online and laughed out loud. I am a fan of ministry for and to men; there is such a great need to develop men to strengthen marriages and families. Check out the Men of Steel page above (that does not mean “abs of steel” like you see on the video). I would love to find creative people who can come up with promotion ideas like this. btw, God, that is a request to bring people to King’s Grant.