Category: Family

A Father’s Blessing, Part 2

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All of chapter 49 of Genesis records the individual blessings Jacob gave his sons. Each one is an example of a father’s careful observation of his son’s character and potential.

“These are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father said as he told his sons good-bye. He blessed each one with an appropriate message.” Genesis 49:28

Blessings were serious business in Old Testament families. What about today? Could we make a huge impact on our children if we made it a point to voice a parental blessing as part of our regular family life? Authors Gary Smalley and John Trent have written extensively on this subject and their books have a lot of practical suggestions.

One change we can make in our family thinking is to expand the way we treat occasions like birthdays, graduations, holidays, weddings, and other special events. How can we add to these occasions an intentional moment of blessing? Can we find a way to include an “appropriate message” and if so, where can we start?

Some blessings involve tangible gifts (that’s probably where the idea of giving gifts originated), but most blessings are precious, thoughtful and truthful words. A parent’s heart speaks into his or her child’s heart. We often subconsciously attempt to do this by the cards we choose to give. We find one with a message that seems to “fit” how we feel or what we see in our child. These messages can become blessings.

I read about a father who decided that he wanted to influence his kid’s lives on the occasion when each one left home. In his case one left for the military and the other two left for college. In the days before each child’s departure he wrote a small note where he told them it was his “wallet blessing.” On the paper he wrote out his observations regarding their character qualities, his hopes for their future, and a verse of Scripture that reminded him of them. He gave them with little fanfare; and in the middle of all their departure details, he wasn’t sure if the notes had made any impact.

Almost a decade after giving out these blessings, he asked his sons about the notes during a lunch together. Each boy immediately produced his note from his wallet. One had a Xerox copy because the original had gotten worn from use. The men shared a bonding moment around the table that day. Blessings make a difference in our kids’ lives. They are valuable expressions of a loving parent’s heart.

This summer I intend to introduce a letter writing process called, “Letters from Dad” where we will write four intentional letters; one to our wife, children, parents and one for after we depart this world. I hope to include dozens of men from the church and our friends in the community. Imagine the impact we can have on our families.

Then in the fall, we will have a special emphasis called, “To Save a Family.” There are a lot of great things happening at KGBC, hold on for a wild ride.

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Only 40 Days to Live

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At the Men’s Breakfast last weekend, Terry Rae, Executive Director of Africa for Christ, gave a challenging talk, hitting the hearts of men. He asked a blunt question, “What would you do if you knew you had only 40 days to live?” I thought a hard sell evangelistic message was on the way, but I really appreciated the insight he shared directed toward men. He pointed our attention to Jesus, between his resurrection and his ascension… 40 days, and what Jesus did with the time he had left.

Jesus expressed love to people: he found Mary at the tomb and expressed love for her and the others. She did not recognize him at first; she thought he may be the gardener (John 20:14-16). How often do we not see those around us who are in need of an encouraging word, a thoughtful deed, or a random act of kindness? Men need to express love to those around them, especially to your wife and children. Rae said that the essence of love is giving. If we open our hearts to God’s love, then we will be able to receive it and share it with others.

Jesus healed broken relationships: Peter had denied Jesus in the temple courtyard, something he strongly denied he would ever do. Once the predicted event happened, Peter was in turmoil over what he had done (Matthew 26:33-34). After the resurrection, Jesus finds the disciples fishing and invited them to the shore for a little breakfast in Galilee. Peter was asked if he loved Jesus, three times, and he was able to be restored into good relationship with his Savior (John 21:15, 16, 17). What relationships do you have in our life that need extra attention and reconciliation?

Jesus left a memory box: As the two men were on the road to Emmaus, Jesus caught up to them and asked the topic of their discussion. They did not recognize Jesus all day, until the time of the evening meal, when Jesus took the bread and blessed it. Then they recognized their guest to be Jesus. The memory box was the Lord’s Supper, to be done as often as we remember the sacrifice of Christ (Luke 22:19, 1 Corinthians 11:24, 25). It is a memorial. For men, husbands and fathers… what will you leave to your family? What legacy are you building in your children? For what will your family remember of you after you’re gone? May I recommend a letter? This summer I intend to challenge each of us to become letter-writers; one each to your wife, children, parents and finally one to be left behind when you leave this world. I’ll share more about writing letters this spring.

Jesus spoke about the kingdom: He had a message of life after death, and he spoke about declaring this message throughout the whole world… it is called the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 1:8). We must also ask how we are personalizing this final word of Christ, and how we might help others to understand the reality of the Christian faith.

Jesus paid out debts: On a spiritual level Jesus sacrificed himself in order to bring salvation to a lost and dying world (2 Corinthians 5:20-21). Practically, how can we make sure what we leave behind to our family is debt free? I dare say this will also involve sacrifice of our personal desires for more toys and pleasures. We need to also pass on to our kids the passion to stay out of debt… a worthy goal having been through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University! (see Proverbs 22:6, 7)

Next time I intend to address the issue of a father’s blessing on his children. Have a great week, our next get together is on Saturday, March 27 at 7:30.

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A Warning From the Past

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During the Exodus, Moses and the children of Israel escaped the slavery of the Egyptians. As they traveled toward the Promised Land, they witnessed a lot of miraculous things.

  1. God parted the waters of the Red Sea and the Egyptian army was wiped out.
  2. God guided them with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night.
  3. God directed their path as Moses was out in front of them, leading.
  4. God provided food to eat; manna from heaven and water from a rock.

They were surrounded by unmatched privileges. God was constantly in their presence. His working in their midst was evident. In fact, I think these people should have been the epitome of godliness, if for no other reason than out of gratitude for what God had done for them, but they weren’t. The apostle Paul wrote about these people, “Yet God was not pleased with most of them, and their bodies were scattered in the wilderness” (1 Corinthians 10:5). As they journeyed from Egypt to the Promised Land, they played games with their lives and with their God.

I believe this is dangerous business.

Just what happened to God’s own people? What caused their bodies to be scattered in the wilderness? Paul tells us the reason for their tragedy and downfall, “The people celebrated with feasting and drinking, and they indulged in pagan revelry” (1 Corinthians 10:7). Many of you were in college; doesn’t this sound like a fraternity party?

What was the real problem? I submit to you that:

  1. They lost their sense of wonder and awe in God’s presence.
  2. They lost their wonder; the supernatural became commonplace.
  3. They were good at God-talk (which was plentiful), but they lacked a reverence and respect for God.
  4. They became calloused to the divine.
  5. They became indifferent in their values.
  6. They compromised their religious beliefs.
  7. They forgot their heritage.
  8. They were apathetic about spiritual matters and God’s Law.
  9. They did not mean business with God.
  10. They had a relationship with God that became a farce.

Never in the history of the world has one country been so blessed. Sound familiar? Now take a look at America. We are inundated with churches, Christian radio and television programs, Christian magazines and books, Christian schools, Christian conferences and seminars. Never has the potential for religious instruction been so prominent. Our churches should be overflowing with godly men and women intent on fulfilling the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20) and the Great Commandment (Matthew 22:36-40). We cannot blame it on the government for taking God out of the public school; remember that we are the ones who should be salt and light in the world, making a difference in our society.

But are we? All too often, Christians walk down the same paths of carnality as these ancient Israelites. Non-believers can’t tell the difference between church people and anyone else in society. We make light of what we should honor. We wink at that which we should weep. We play with what we should take quite seriously. And our families suffer the effects of our shallow faith.

The children of Israel serve as a warning to every believer. Heed the warning of Paul who tells us that God was not pleased with them. Pleasing God should be the desire of each follower of Christ, to please the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). Let’s take God seriously.

What’s Your Epitaph?

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I’ve just started reading a book by Bob Buford, called Halftime. Here are some introductory remarks:

 

The subject of death is never a fun one, but I wanted to ask a probing question. When it’s your time, and you’ve left this life, what would you want on your tombstone? What would you select as your epitaph? As we look into this question, let’s put it in the context of Matthew 13:3-9.

 

The seed that fell on the good soil grew and produced a crop one hundred fold. In business, that would be considered a pretty good investment! St. Augustine said that asking yourself the question of your own legacy (what do I want to be remembered for?) is the beginning of adulthood. An epitaph is more than a fancy slogan or wishful personal motto. It says something about who you are, down to the essence of your personality and your soul.

 

We are spiritual beings, not merely machines or animals. God has set eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and it tells that we can have purpose and leave a destiny. For believers, we exchange this life for something much greater.

 

In today’s parable, which soil do you desire to be? Only the good soil is free from mediocrity and apathy. The desire is to have this life count for something, and to pass it on to the next generation… to our kids. When we look at life as an adult, it’s almost as if we are at halftime. Halftime is many sports is when we get to rest a bit, but more importantly we evaluate the first half and strategize for the second half. The first half of life we don’t have much time to think about how we will spend the rest of our lives. We rushed through college, fell in love and got married, started a career, climbed upward, and acquired stuff that made life more comfortable.

 

You played hard during the first half, and might have been winning, but the older you get, keeping score does not offer the thrill it once did. You’ve taken some hits, and you have come to halftime with some pain: serious pain, like divorce, disappointment, too much alcohol, not enough time for your kids, guilt, loneliness, trapped in bad habits. You started with good intentions but got blindsided along the way.

 

Even if your pain is slight, you’re smart enough to know that you can’t play the second half the same way you did as the first half. We don’t fear the end of the game, but you want to make sure you finish well. The first half is your quest for success; the second half is your search for significance. It’s the second half of life that causes us to ask questions about legacy.

 

Athletes will tell you, the game is won or lost in the second half. It’s possible to make first half mistakes, be down at halftime, and still come out a winner, as long as you make changes in the second half. You won’t win by playing the same way as the first half.

 

Some people never get to the second half; they never grow up. Some don’t even know the second half exists. Once you turn 35, your life is not set toward aging and decline. Life is not over at 40. There are still things that you can do to leave a legacy worth remembering. You can move from success to significance. I trust that the Men of Steel can help you create an epitaph for your life, and a legacy for your family.

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Living in the Tombs

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In Mark 5, we are told a story about a man living among the tombs, with an unclean spirit (Mark 5:2). He was a danger to himself and others, no one could bind him (Mark 5:3). No one was able to subdue him or bring him under control (Mark 5:4). He was day and night in the tombs, constantly crying out and gashing himself Mark 5:5). This guy was in a mess. No one cared about him; just chain him up somewhere out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind.

When you really think about it, we are not much different. We are all bound by something that’s killing us. We drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much, play to much, are entertained too much… name your vice. Men today have all the toys they can afford (and lot of stuff they can’t afford) and often play games with their lives and families. I’m convinced that countless men today are living in the “tombs” and need to be set free. I’m talking about living in an inner world that leads to death; the world that is just behind the mask that we put on.

You can kill a person with your words, your attitude, and even your absence. You can kill a relationship without any other weapon than your mouth. You can destroy it without exploding a bomb; you can destroy relationships by neglect.

If we are a people living among the tombs, then we are surrounded by death, and much of it is death that we have inflicted upon ourselves (Mark 5:5). We have made poor choices and have not invested our time into our families. We have pulled back from our wives and sought for intimacy online. We have gotten into the habit of gambling, or drinking, or pornography, or spending… thinking these are what real life is all about.

How many women are in counseling offices every week because of what husbands have said or something they did; broken promises, betrayed trust, devastated dreams, broken lives?

  1. How many men do you know who are out of control?
  2. How many chains have you broken (Mark 5:4)?
  3. How many people are bleeding from wounds that you inflicted?
  4. How many of your children are going to need serious pastoral counseling?
  5. How many people are suicidal or messed up in their minds because of the lies you told?
  6. How much death and destruction have you caused in your own life?
  7. What tombs are you living in?
  8. What steps can you take to make things right?
  9. Commitments with which are you finally going to follow through?

The only way to combat death is to bring something back to life; resurrection. Just as it happened with Jesus, it can happen with every area in your life. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). In Christ we can have the life Jesus promised (John 10:10). Trust Him to bring you back under control and restore your life, your family, your kids, your marriage.

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Top Reasons for Staying Together

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I recently read about a professional counselor writing the top 20 reasons he hears on why couples stay together in their marriages:

 

  1. My spouse and I are best friends.
  2. We enjoy our time together.
  3. I like my spouse as a person.
  4. Marriage is a lifelong commitment.
  5. My spouse is interested in me as a person.
  6. Marriage is sacred.
  7. We have common dreams and goals.
  8. Children need a stable home.
  9. My spouse is positive and builds me up.
  10. I want the relationship to succeed.
  11. We respect and appreciate each other.
  12. My spouse encourages my personal growth.
  13. We laugh together.
  14. I trust my spouse.
  15. We have a positive sexual life.
  16. We have built a secure and comfortable life together.
  17. My spouse accepts me for who I am.
  18. We have shared beliefs and interests.
  19. We communicate well.
  20. I respect my spouse.

 

Here are the top passages of Scripture that focus on marriage:

 

  1. Marriage is instututed by God (Genesis 2:18-25)
  2. Companionship and intimacy are at the heart of marriage (Genesis 2:18, 24)
  3. Marriage parallels the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:23, 31-32)
  4. The husband is the head of the home (Ephesians 5:23) and exercises that role in love (Colossians 3:19)
  5. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church (Ephesians 5:25)
  6. The husband is to treat his wife with respect, which has consequences on his spiritual life (1 Peter 3:7)
  7. The husband must manage his household well (1 Timothy 3:4)
  8. The husband and father is responsible for the training of children (Ephesians 6:4)
  9. God’s design is that the wife be a suitable helper for the husband (Gen 2:18)
  10. Husbands and wifes practice submission as the Church submits to Christ (Ephesians 5:21, 22-24, Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1-2)
  11. The Bible describes a noble woman (Proverbs 31:10-31)
  12. Fear of God is more important than physical beauty (Proverbs 31:30, 1 Peter 3:3-4)
  13. The couple must not fight and devour one another (Galatians 5:15)
  14. The couple must quickly persue peace (Matthew 5:23-24, Romans 12:18)
  15. A house divided against itself cannot stand (Matthew 12:25)
  16. Parents must keep loving those who are wayward (2 Samuel 18:33 – after all Absalom did to David).

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Help Your Kids Pick Good Friends

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I was reading the Lifeway magazine “Living with Teenagers” (Feb 2009) and it’s full of great information this month. One article on finding friends I find exceptionally noteworthy today:

 

Your teenager may have a couple hundred friends on his Facebook page, but how does s/he find real friends? How can parents help?

 

  • Reflect on your own friends when you were a teen.
  • Understand it takes some time.
  • Get to know your teenager’s friends and pray for them.
  • Help them to see that God is relational and created us to connect with others (Matthew 22:37-39).
  • Help them think through the qualities of a good friend; perhaps define the word “friend.”
  • Share examples of poor friends:
    • Shallow friends (Proverbs 18:24),
    • Foolish friends (Proverbs 13:20, Proverbs 14:17),
    • Mean girls – and boys (Proverbs 12:26),
    • Gossiping friends (Proverbs 16:28, Proverbs 20:19),
    • Volatile friends (Proverbs 22:24-25),
    • Fair weather friends (Proverbs 17:17).

 

Measure how good a friend you are (each question is worth 10 points):

 

  1. ____ I haven’t passed on any gossip this week; I keep things to myself.
  2. ____ I am a good listener; I make eye contact and ask follow-up questions.
  3. ____ I am even-tempered; I don’t explode or withdraw when upset.
  4. ____ I am happy for people, not threatened, when they succeed.
  5. ____ I feel sad when others (including those I don’t like) fail.
  6. ____ I have the skills to be honest about things that bother me in a relationship; when I’m honest the problem is usually resolved.
  7. ____ I appreciate someone who is honest with me; I receive it gracefully.
  8. ____ I take appropriate responsibility for my behavior.
  9. ____ One of my strengths is picking the right kind of friends.
  10. ____ I can avoid foolish and wicked people without creating a scene.

 

How’d you do? The closer to 100 you are, the better friend you are! Ask your friends to take the test with you in mind and see how the two compare.

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Communication Skills for Men

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Ok, I’m definitely no expert but I have done research and have a desire to help men (including myself) to become the best husbands they can be. This post is about learning to communicate, because without good communication, our wives will feel isolated and misunderstood.

 

There is a problem when men use “guy-to-guy” communication on our wives, we just see things differently! Here are four things we can do to better communicate at home:

 

Learn to Listen

Generally, a lot of men decide what they think before they talk, while many women decide what they think while they are talking. So, for this reason, women need to know that they have been heard. So the wise husband will…

 

  • Seek out his wife when he comes home
  • Ask her about her day
  • Not take it personally if she’s upset
  • Ask questions they let her know that he is engaged

 

Do you hear her, but rarely listen? Do you listen carefully rather than superficially? Think about the things that you hear and can identify. Don’t allow the obligations of everyday life interfere with the treasure you have in your wife.

 

Refuse to Be Mr. Fix-It

When the women shares feelings, most husbands see this as a call to action (drop everything and come to the rescue). But she really just wants to be understood, and problem-solving is a secondary issue. She often wants to talk about the problem rather than solve the problem.

 

Give Reassurance

Silence and withdrawal are often seen as rejection, so stop it! If you have to leave for an appointment, give her a word of reassurance, like, “I’m going out for a while and will be back soon to pick up where we left off.” Simple acts of kindness, like holding her hand in the car or opening the door for her can communicate reassurance.

 

Ask For Her Input

This will definitely help her to stay connected. What do you think about…? How do you feel about…? She is a valued part of your life and she needs to feel that she is important to you.

 

Now, when she’s upset, do not fan the flames! How often is it that she is upset, so you also become upset? Resist the temptation. Keep your cool, allow her to vent. A great verse to follow is James 1:19.

 

Face it, husbands are far less communicative than wives, so it is important that men understand that the strong silent type is not the role model we need. Also, wives connect by sharing feelings, so don’t just seek to find solutions, try to give some understanding and reassurance.

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Harmony in Your Marriage

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Take a look at 2 Timothy 2:24. Basically we are refrain from quarreling, and be kind to people. Sometimes it’s hard to do that! But in reality, who said the Christian life was easy? What about living this out in your marriage?

 

Quarreling in a marriage can become a problem; I’m not just talking about disagreements. I recently read this observation and illustration:

 

“Women look at the world through pink sun­glasses, while men look at that same world through blue sunglasses—and, believe me, they do not necessarily see the same thing!

 

“My favorite illustration of this is when a wife says, ‘I have nothing to wear,’ she means she has nothing new to wear. When her husband says, ‘I have nothing to wear,’ he means he has nothing clean to wear. Each uses the same words but means something differ­ent based on pink and blue views!”  —Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Cracking the Communication Code.

 

Avoid a Bad Connection

Breakdowns in communication between men and women are not exactly rare. Imagine this, a husband leaving the house may yell in his wife, “Honey, I’m going out to buy a hammer.” Harmless, right? Well, it depends. If it comes after a week of late nights at the office and compounding emotional separa­tion, the wife may actually hear, “Hey, what’s-your-face, I’d rather roam the hardware store instead of be with you.”

 

Conversely, a well-meaning wife may offer her time to spruce up the yard, but the husband hears her words as a backhanded attack on his ability to get things done.

 

Communication between the genders can be com­plex. Men and women process life differently, and our understanding of the conversa­tion or action will often differ dramatically. Most of this meaning-seeking is harmless, but if there are any lingering grudges based on real or imagined prior offenses, the next conversation can go in the wrong direction in a hurry.

 

Strive to Live in Harmony

In 1 Peter 3:8-9, Peter encourages husbands and wives to “be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing.” What great advice! Rather than simply fly off the handle at anything that even sounds like it might be the least bit critical, we husbands need to exercise self-control and seek to listen and understand before anything else.

 

Overreacting often leads to marital conflict.

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Communicating With Your Children

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I recently read a story about Ken…

 

“Ken squandered many opportunities to connect deeply with his sons, to communicate things that would have made their lives better. But he is thankful for those times when they did connect more than superficially—the breakfasts before school, the weekend “guy trips,” the bedtime conver­sations and prayers. The love and respect they now have for one another testifies to the effectiveness of those occasions and God’s mercy and grace.”

 

The Bible is full of wisdom when it comes to life and relationships, and Proverbs 5:1 tells us about a father desiring to pass on life insights to his son. Although in context this passage refers to a father warning his son about the temptation and enticement of women, I believe that we can broaden the appeal of this verse to include fathers desiring to pass on wisdom and life lessons to all of our children, not just sons.

 

We want our children to pay attention to our “wisdom” because we don’t want them to go through the same things that we did; the pain, the hurt, the mistakes, the sorrow, many things about which we are not proud (and we keep from telling our kids). But when we share life wisdom, are they listening?

 

The Same Old Story

Much has been written about the conflict between fathers and sons. Throughout history they have often struggled to understand each other, get along with each other, respect each other, accept each other, and even love each other. No national­ity, religion, or generation seems exempt from this struggle.

 

We shouldn’t find it surprising, then, that father-son conflicts are found throughout litera­ture, including the Bible. The tragic relationship between King David and his son Absalom (2 Samuel 13-19) is a classic example. Yet, by the grace of God, some fathers and sons have largely avoided this struggle. How have they done it?

 

Writing Your Own Story

The trite but not-too-surprising answer is usually something like “you need to have good com­munication.” Of course, the time to start working on that is always now, but how to do it may vary based on the age of your kids. Maybe this can help:

  • Put your children on your calendar. If I don’t write it down, it generally will not get done.
  • Block out time for the two of you to be alone. Give yourself time and opportunity to be together.
  • Engage in activities that you both enjoy but also allow for meaning­ful conversation. Sometimes it is the ride to and from the event, or over the lunchtime you shared.
  • Avoid long lectures. Instead, humble yourself and seek to listen as much as you talk.
  • Encourage your kids to ask questions and then answer them tactfully and patiently.

 

Over time, your kids will grow to trust and love you.

 

Pay It Forward

Sir Charles Barkley once said, “I am not a role model.” But dads, you need to be. The “strong, silent type” is not the best role model for your kids, they need to know the real you. Talk with them; spend time with them. Open your heart and your life to them. Share the wisdom that you have, that which cost you so much to gain.