Category: Connecting

Connecting Goes Beyond Words

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Two singers perform a song; one leaves the audience with goose bumps, the other leaves the people cold. Two professors teach the same class; for one the students stand in an hour long registration line, the other class dwindles to a few students. Two mangers work in a restaurant; for one the employees are willing to but in overtime, while the other only gets excuses why they can’t stay late. Why is this a fact? What is the difference?

You’re Actions Speak So Loudly, I Can’t Hear Your Words: Verbal and nonverbal messages are not consistent. What people see us do and the tone we use can far outweigh any words we say while we are trying to communicate.

  1. What we say accounts for only 7 percent of what is believed.
  2. The way we saying accounts for 38 percent.
  3. What others see accounts for 55 percent.

If we believe that communication is all about words, we are missing the boat and will have a hard time connecting with others.

All communication has three essential components:

  1. Intellectual – something we know.
  2. Emotional – something we feel.
  3. Action – something we do.

If we fail to include any one of the three, there will be a breakdown in communication:

  1. Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
  2. Something I know but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
  3. Something I feel but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
  4. Something I feel but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
  5. Something I do but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
  6. Something I do but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.

The Characteristics of Connection: Any message you try to convey must contain a piece of you. You must be the message you want to deliver. It is difficult to try and communicate someone else’s vision. It’s hard to get excited when you’re presenting someone’s else’s ideas. To gain credibility you have to make it your vision; discover how the vision impacts you personally.

Teachers can fall into this trap when they teach right out of the quarterly. While the message is believed, we can be dispassionate about the subject if we cannot relate it to life. We must allow the lesson to flow from our own lives. That will make a greater connection. Remember that nothing happens through you until it happens to you.

Communication Checklist:

  1. Integrity – did I do my best?
  2. Expectation – did I please my students?
  3. Relevance – did I understand and relate to my students?
  4. Value – did I add value to my students?
  5. Application – did I give my students a game plan?
  6. Change – did I make a difference today?

The Four Components of Connection: Communication goes beyond words.

Connecting visually – What People See: Sight is the most powerful sense in communication, we remember 85-90 percent of what we see but less than 15 percent of what we hear. It is helpful to bring in visual aids when teaching; a movie clip, a prop, or a photograph. We are a visual society, getting news from TV and online, watching YouTube, Facebook, PowerPoint, video games and movies. They say that we have only seven seconds to make the right first impression.

  1. Eliminate personal distractions – proper grooming and clothing will help people focus on your message more than your appearance.
  2. Expand your range of expression – actors can tell much of a story without saying a single word. If your face is going to talk for you anyway, you might as well communicate something positive.
  3. Move with a sense of purpose – Don’t wander aimlessly into the room, have confidence that you have a message to share and your students are lucky to be present today. Let them see your eagerness. Move closer to the students, and don’t allow a natural barrier get between you and the students. Let them feel your energy and excitement.
  4. Pay attention to your surroundings – Take an inventory of your room to discover any clutter or obstacles to your communication. Check the lighting, and the sounds around you.

Connecting Intellectually – What People Understand: Two things are necessary; you must know your subject and know yourself. This is the difference between a good teachers and someone who knows what he’s talking about. I read a story about an event where people were asked to recite their favorite passage of Scripture. One man read the 23rd Psalm, and the audience applauded at the performance. An elderly woman who had dosed off was asked to share her passage and she recited the same psalm, and the audience was in tears. The man was asked, “What was the difference?? He replied, “I know the psalm, she knows the Shepherd.”

You also have to know yourself. You need to have confidence in your abilities. Training is always a great way to increase your abilities and confidence. When you find yourself, you find your audience.

Connecting Emotionally – What People Feel: Great leaders and teachers win over the hearts and minds of others. Notice that we don’t win the minds, or even win the minds and hearts. The heart comes first. Teachers should not rely too much on their intellect to persuade others; logical arguments and apologetics does not work if we do not capture their hearts first. Remember that people will hear your words but they feel your attitude. It’s probably why some people have charisma and others don’t; some believe it is due to personality, John Maxwell says it is more a function of attitude. Charismatic people focus on others, are outward, pat attention to others, and desire to add value to them.

Connecting Verbally – What People Hear: To make an impact we must pay close to attention to what we say and how we say it. Pay attention to pace of speech, tone, background noise; we learn through experience how to hear more than just the words in order to connect to others.

Summary:
Connecting Principle: Connecting goes beyond words.
Key Concept: The more you go beyond the words, the greater the chance you will connect with other people.

Practical Steps:

  1. Connect verbally by giving the other person your complete attention.
  2. Connect intellectually by asking questions, listening carefully, and paying attention to what is not being said; by investing in the growth of your students.
  3. Connect emotionally through appropriate touch with boundaries; by honoring students’ efforts and rewarding hard work; and through facial expressions, humor and tears.
  4. Connect visually by setting the example so the group can see you live what you teach; and by smiling.

Connecting is All About Others

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John Maxwell tells the story of traveling in South America and using a tour guide to point out various sites. It appeared the man was not too excited about showing off the wonderful ruins and landscape; perhaps he was all too familiar that he lost the wonder of such ancient history. You’ve probably heard a similar speech, perhaps even at a theme park attraction; the memorized speech. Sometimes what they have to say is much more important than the people they are hired to serve. Any questions can be an inconvenience to the guide, a situation that does not place any value on the tourists.

A Good Guide Draws Others In: Those who don’t get it will often see themselves as the center of the conversation. What they have to say is more important than those to whom they are speaking. Do we see the parallel to teachers yet? We have a message to share, but the message is not the most important part of the small group experience, it’s all about the people.

Self-centered Teachers Seem to Share a Common Philosophy: “Ram it in – jam it in, students’ heads are hollow. Cram it in – slam it in, there is more to follow.” Good teachers, leaders and speakers don’t see themselves as experts with passive audiences they need to impress. Nor do they see their interests as most important. They see themselves as guides and focus on helping others to learn.

Sometimes when we deal with people we want them to hurry up and finish telling us their problem so we can give the solution. Perhaps we are not really listening because we are consumed with formulating our response to what they are saying. I saw a cartoon that has a man talking to a co-worker in an office setting, and he says, “There is no I in TEAM, but there is an M and an E, and that spells ME.” It’s really hard to get others interested and involved when we are me focused. When a leader attempts to cast a vision, he has to be focused on others.

Zig Ziglar once said, “If you will first help people to get what they want, they will help you get what you want.” Interaction with others is essential to communication. It is best to focus on others instead of our own needs.

It’s Not About Me: Connecting is never about us, it is about the person with whom we are communicating. We must change the focus from inward to outward.

Immaturity: When we are young, we do not see the big picture, that comes with maturity. Donald Miller says immaturity is like thinking life is a movie in which you are the star. That which we do is often all about us. Maturity is the ability to see and to act on behalf of others. Immature people don’t think about someone else’s point of view.

Property Law as Viewed by a Toddler – by Michael W. Hernandez:

  1. If I like it, it’s mine.
  2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
  4. If I had it a while ago, it’s mine.
  5. If it looks like it’s mine, it’s mine.
  6. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
  7. If I can see it, it’s mine.
  8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
  9. If I need it, it’s mine.
  10. If I say it’s mine, it’s mine.
  11. If you don’t stop me from playing with it, it’s mine.
  12. If you tell me I can play with it, it’s mine.
  13. If it will upset me too much when you take it from me, it’s mine.
  14. If I can play with it better than you, it’s mine.
  15. If you are playing with it and put it down, it’s mine.
  16. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Remember that maturity does not come with age; sometimes age comes alone.

Ego: Sometimes teachers can develop an unhealthily strong ego, which is a disproportionate sense of their own self-importance. Professional speakers and pastors need to be on guard because they might be looking for compliments after the message is over; positive strokes that say I did good or to validate my performance or competence. Maxwell says that no one can connect with others with this sort of attitude.

Failure to Value Everyone: As teachers we are to make this a priority, to value those in our classes. To succeed in life, we need to learn how to work with and through others. Maxwell tells the story of a Japanese businessman who was asked the most important trade language. Expecting to hear “English,” the response came, “The language of my customer.” Having a good product or service is not enough. Knowing your product but not your customers is like having something to sell but no one to buy.

As teachers, we must speak a language that clearing communicates the message. You can also talk to others until you’re blue in the face but people know in their if your really care about them. Are you a teacher who if fully invested in your class? Do you team teach? If so, are you also in the room the weeks you don’t teach? How do your students know that you really are invested in them if you drive by one week and then are out of their world for the next few weeks?

Insecurity: This is a sure fire reason that people will spend more time on themselves than on others. Ken Blanchard has developed a model of leadership based on the greatest leader ever to walk the planet, Jesus. He says that if a leader is Edging God Out, he will lead in one of two ways. He will either lead out of pride or out of fear. Fear manifests itself as insecurity. It says, “If these people only knew that I am not really qualified or capable to lead this group or teach on this topic, they would not follow me.”

A Matter of Connection: I read about a coffee business that changed it’s focus. While many people might believe that they are in the coffee business serving people, they are really in the people business serving coffee. That’s a great image and change of perspective.

Three Questions People are Asking About You: The point is, we must be able to communicate the attitude of selflessness.

Do you care for me? Your most important life experiences likely involve those who care about you the most. Mutual concern creates connection between people. When we learn to care about others, we learn to connect with them. Connecting with others by caring for them goes beyond profession.

  1. Business: “You can’t make the other fellow feel important in your presence if you secretly feel that he is nobody.” (Les Giblin, former national salesman of the year)
  2. Politics: “If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.” (Abraham Lincoln)
  3. Entertainment: “Some singers want the audience to love them. I love the audience.” (Luciano Pavarotti)
  4. Ministry: “ I get a speech over with because I love people and want to help them.” (Norman Vincent Peale)

Calvin Miller says, when most people listen to others speak, they are silently thinking:

  1. I am lonely wanting a friend.
  2. I am weeping and want of laughter.
  3. I am sigh in search of consolation.
  4. I am wound in search of healing.
  5. If you want to unlock my attention, you have to convince me that you want to be my friend.

People live better when they care about one another.

Can You Help Me? There is an old saying in sales: “Nobody wants to be sold, everyone wants to be helped.” By helping others we often can help ourselves. As we lift others we receive a blessing and are then lifted up. In sales, I read that we are to focus on benefits rather than features. A feature may be irrelevant to the needs and interests of your audience. A benefit, by definition, is always relevant.

It is a difficult task to create a thirst for learning in your students. Many times we focus on the features (theology and theory) rather than the benefit (guidance in life, peace in your relationships, strength to withstand temptation, purpose and mission). People are bombarded with information and features. To get their attention you need to show you can help.

Can I Trust You? Have you ever bought a car? How was that experience? Much of the industry is designed to keep customers off balance, skeptical and suspicious. Trust is vital to life; it’s more important than love in relationships. Businesses want to create raving fans. These are customers who are loyal to the company or the brand. They recommend the store to their friends. If someone has a positive buying experience, they will even come back from out of state to someone they trust. When the members of our classes become raving fans, we have connected with them.

Summary:
Connecting Principle: Connecting is all about others.
Key Concept: Connecting begins when the other person feels valued.

Practical Steps:

  1. Be a good listener when with other people.
  2. Ask good questions to discover what they value.
  3. Discover shared values and build the relationship based on those values.
  4. Acknowledge people’s strengths and potential contribution.
  5. Invite input and allow others to lead in their area of strength.
  6. Express appreciation for others.
  7. Do something special for your people.

Connecting Increases Your Influence

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In February, King’s Grant is taking a bold step toward developing leaders and securing potential leaders. For three consecutive Wednesday evenings at 6:00, beginning February 2, I will have the opportunity to guide the student and adult leadership in the art and science of connecting with other people. As a text, I will use John Maxwell’s book called, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People do Differently.

Connecting Can Make You or Break You: People cannot succeed in life without communicating effectively. It is not just about working harder. It’s not enough to just do a great job, to be successful you need to learn how to really communicate with others.

Connecting is the Key: Good communication and leadership is all about connecting. If you connect with others, you will have stronger relationships, improved community, increased teamwork, increased influence and your effectiveness will grow.

Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.

Connecting is Critical for Leaders: The best leaders are always the best connectors. The Harvard Business Review stated that the number one criteria for advancement and promotion for professionals is the ability to communicate effectively.

Presidential historian Robert Dallek says there are five qualities that enable them to achieve things that others don’t: vision, pragmatism, consensus building, charisma and trustworthiness. Four of these are related to the ability to communicate on multiple levels.

  1. Vision is the ability to describe what they are doing.
  2. Consensus is the ability to persuade others to come along with them.
  3. Charisma is the ability to connect on a personal level.
  4. Trust is the ability to demonstrate credibility, doing what they say they will do.

The Courage to Change: Reinhold Nieburh is famous for making popular the Serenity Prayer; “God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

  1. There are things that we can change, but often don’t know how to change.
  2. Often our coping skills are greater than our connecting skills.
  3. We need to make a difference, not just know how to make a difference.
  4. We need courage to change things rather than simply accept the status quo.

It Starts with Your Attitude: The ability to connect with others begins with understanding the value of people.

High Achievers:

  1. Care about people as well as profits.
  2. View subordinates optimistically.
  3. Seek advice from those under them.
  4. Listen well to others.

Average Achievers:

  1. Concentrate on production.
  2. Focus more on their own status.
  3. Are reluctant to seek advice from those under them.
  4. Listen only to superiors.

Low Achievers:

  1. Are preoccupied with their own security.
  2. Show a basic distrust of subordinates.
  3. Don’t seek advice.
  4. Avoid communication and rely on policy manuals.

To Be Effective, We Must Connect: We can always learn to get better at what we do, and to do this we must connect better.

Principles of Connecting:

  1. Focus on others.
  2. Expand your connecting vocabulary beyond just words.
  3. Develop your energy for connecting.
  4. Gain insight on how great communicators connected.

Practical Skills of Connection:

  1. Finding common ground.
  2. Making your communication simple.
  3. Capturing the interest of people.
  4. Inspiring people.
  5. Being authentic.

Summary:
Connecting Principle – Connecting increases your influence in every situation.
Key Concept – The smaller the group, the more important it is to connect.

Practical Steps:

  1. Talk more about other people and less about yourself.
  2. Look for ways to be of service to others.
  3. Look for ways to compliment others.
  4. Look for ways to add value to others.
  5. Don’t take credit when the group succeeds; don’t cast blame when it doesn’t.
  6. Find ways to celebrate together.

Let others know that your time with them is your highest priority that day.