Category: Communication

There are also several wrongful ways to communicate:

Disagreeable Ways: The following irresponsible and insensitive ways of communicating, often used by people who are not aware of how disagreeable this style of communication can be, become habits that do not bring glory to God. “For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths” (Proverbs 5:21).

1. Am I dominating? (monopolizing or controlling conversation)
2. Am I interrupting? (with a competing spirit)
3. Am I nagging? (finding fault incessantly)
4. Am I complaining? (making crisis or problem dominated conversation)
5. Am I criticizing? (dwelling on the negative)
6. Am I cutting? (making jabbing, sarcastic remarks)
7. Am I ridiculing? (making another the object of laughter)
8. Am I arguing? (disagreeing and disputing)
9. Am I moralizing? (lecturing and giving unsolicited advice)
10. Am I generalizing? (simplifying or making light of real concerns)

“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel” (Proverbs 18:19).

Defensive Ways: These ten, usually unintentional, self-protective patterns are evasive tactics used to avoid looking at one’s own defects or imperfections. “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

1. Am I countering the one who confronts with words of denial?
2. Am I evading self-examination by focusing on the faults of the other?
3. Am I blaming my responses on the actions of the other person?
4. Am I bringing up the other’s mistakes from the past?
5. Am I rationalizing my behavior because of the circumstances?
6. Am I arguing about a trivial point to evade the real issue?
7. Am I changing the subject without responding to what was communicated?
8. Am I refusing to talk or respond?
9. Am I hiding in work activities to avoid intimacy?
10. Am I choosing to ignore grievances and allowing my own feelings to fester?

“He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise” (Proverbs 15:31).

Deceptive Ways: Ten intentional versions of untruthfulness (lies and deceptions) reveal open rebellion and foolhardy denial of God’s claim on one’s life. “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception” (Proverbs 14:8).

1. Am I lying? (knowingly giving wrong information/impressions)
2. Am I blaming? (shifting responsibility to another)
3. Am I flattering? (complimenting with hidden motives)
4. Am I gossiping? (telling rumors about others)
5. Am I boasting? (bragging and flattering myself)
6. Am I diverting? (changing the subject)
7. Am I pouting? (refusing to communicate verbally)
8. Am I patronizing? (pretending to agree or give support)
9. Am I discriminating? (choosing to hear only what I want to hear)
10. Am I misleading? (communicating only partial truth)

“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:9–10).

This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart

Every person must plead guilty to some violation of God’s ideal for communicating. Without thinking, we attempt to meet inner needs by speaking and responding in ways that intimidate or destroy. The following words and ways are verbal and nonverbal negative communication habits that serve only to wound and wrong others.

“A wise man’s heart guides his mouth” (Proverbs 16:23).

Degrading Words: Thoughtless, insensitive, teasing, wisecracking, critical, coarse, tactless, indelicate expressions, inappropriate words.

Examples: “Surely you don’t believe that” or “He is very sensual and sexy.” For a biblical example, “Reckless words pierce like a sword.” (Proverbs 12:18)

Demanding Words: Ordering, threatening, arguing, cursing, accusing, probing, angry words.

Examples: “You’d better do this now…” or “Why were you so late? Where were you?” For a biblical example: “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming.” (Proverbs 27:4)

Demeaning Words: Moralizing, preaching, lecturing, judging, criticizing, disapproving, condemning words.

Examples: “You never consider my feelings” or “You should do better than that.” For a biblical example: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)

Destructive Words: Gossiping, repeating rumors or confidences, discrediting, belittling, blaming others, slandering words.

Examples: “She never arrives at work on time” or “Be sure not to repeat this but…” For a biblical example: “With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor.” (Proverbs 11:9)

Deceitful Words: Lying, false statements, exaggerating, bragging, boasting, flattering, insincere, untruthful words.

Examples: “I never really get angry at anyone” or “My goal is to benefit others in any way I can.” For a biblical example: “A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)

“Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse” (Proverbs 2:12).

This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart

While we may pride ourselves in being open and honest with others, the truth is we all have to put on suits of armor to protect our thoughts and feelings. From the moment Adam and Eve recognized their sin, they sought to cover themselves and hide. They no longer wanted to be open and honest with God.

Each of us, in our own way, does the same. We develop outer facades that hide inner needs, thoughts, and feelings. The following levels of communication are stages of personal development that will bring you out of hiding in order to communicate honestly with God, to face truth, and to be vulnerable with others.

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves … and they hid from the LORD God” (Genesis 3:7–8).

Level #1 Common (superficial): General remarks or inquiries that are appropriate between strangers represent the most superficial level of communication. While this kind of communication is often only a polite exchange to acknowledge someone, it can also open the door to deeper levels of communicating.

Examples: “Nice to meet you” or “Where are the elevators?” For a biblical example read John 4:7–9.

Level #2 Casual: Statements and information are shared, but no real personal interaction occurs. This level of communication centers on other people, events or places.

Examples: “Did you know Mary Jones when you grew up?” or “Have you ever been to the ocean?” For a biblical example read John 4:10–11.

Level #3 Comfortable: Thoughts and ideas are communicated in this first step toward risk taking. Objections, judgments, and decisions are easily expressed. True interaction is still guarded while one’s emotional antenna looks for any signs of disapproval or rejection.

Examples: “I really think the government has too much control over our children’s education” or “It would be hard to live in a climate that has extremely cold winters.” For a biblical example read John 4:12–14.

Level #4 Caring: Feelings and emotions are shared by moving beyond “head talk” into revealing “who I am.” Ideas are still communicated, but now the facts are accompanied by how I really feel about these ideas. I am expressing a sincere desire that you know and understand me. I am willing to risk sharing my own perspective so that I can then understand yours, and I will do so with courtesy.

Examples: “God has given you many talents, and sometimes I feel inferior” or “I think you are very smart, and it makes me proud to be your friend.” For a biblical example read John 4:16–26.

Level #5 Committed: Freedom from all fear of judgment or rejection may allow for complete emotional connection with another person. This is reserved for communion with God, with a marriage partner, or with the closest of friends. This highest level of communication requires complete openness and deep honesty. In these encounters, deeply held beliefs and feelings are totally shared. Two hearts are joined, two spirits are united, and feelings are reciprocated. There is mutual understanding and empathy, there is perfect communication! This level of communication takes hard work. It is much more difficult to communicate heartfelt emotions than it is to communicate factual information. It also takes time: understanding that reveals our innermost being does not come in snatches of conversation, but rather in extended interaction. This level of communication succeeds only with positive regard for one another.

Examples: “Perhaps I’m too sensitive, but it hurt me when you shared the details of my illness with your friend Karen” or “I don’t know why it bothers me when you laugh at my mistakes, but it does.” For a biblical example read John 11:32–35.

The Flip Side:

Dishonesty has a way of creeping into all our relationships, but the ultimate price of any deception results in the disintegration of honest communication. Anyone who enters into a relationship thinking that it is good to keep the peace by disguising true feelings has developed patterns that destroy the bridge to deep and fulfilling communication.

“A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit” (Proverbs 26:24).

This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart

Good relational communication has these three basic characteristics.

Warmth—conveying acceptance and courtesy: Warmth says, “You are important to me. You are valuable to me. I enjoy and respect you. I will not try to make you a carbon copy of myself, but rather I desire that you fully realize your own potential.”

Genuineness—having no hidden agendas: Genuineness says, “I am not trying to manipulate you, nor am I trying to bend you to my will. I want to make it safe for you to communicate with me and safe for you to trust that I will be truthful with you.”

Empathy—putting one’s self in the other’s circumstances (walking in another’s shoes): Empathy says, “While I may not know exactly what you are going through, I’m trying to understand the emotions you feel and the challenges you face. I will seek to understand you, rather than trying to make you understand me.”

This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart

The Bible gives many directives for the words we use in communicating with others. The following are Ten Commandments that reflect fundamental principles of godly communication.

1. Your words are to be truthful: “The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful” (Proverbs 12:22).
2. Your words are to be pleasing to God: “May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight” (Psalm 19:14).
3. Your words are to be life-giving: “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21).
4. Your words are to be encouraging: “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
5. Your words are to be gracious: “Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips” (Ecclesiastes 10:12).
6. Your words are to be wise: “Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment” (Proverbs 10:13).
7. Your words are to be few: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).
8. Your words are to be timely: “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23).
9. Your words are to be an investment: “From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him” (Proverbs 12:14).
10. Your words are to be loving: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1).

This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart

Have you ever heard, “We just don’t communicate!” Message sent, and message received, DONE. But we often forget the messages are filtered through individual experience and interpretation, so the message they receive may NOT be the message you sent. It’s not just what you say, but the way you say it, the way you listen to others, and the way you look at others; all of these are means of communication. It’s not a matter of whether you will communicate, but a matter of WHAT you will communicate. Ultimately, the thing that determines whether you encourage or discourage others, whether you help or hurt others, is your heart. Your communication originates not in your mind but in your heart. “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34).

What Is Communication?

Unfortunately, many conversations can be compared to a tennis match: two players stand on opposite ends of the court preparing to send the ball across the net in such a way that the other has little or no chance of a successful return. The goal is not to keep the ball going back and forth between them, but to deliver the ball so as to prevent a response.

Good relational conversations can be better characterized as a game of “catch.” Both people attempt to deliver the ball to the other in such a way that it can be received and then successfully returned. The goal is not to win but to keep the ball going back and forth between them.

Satisfying relational communication is a process of verbal and nonverbal interaction with others in which thoughts and feelings are shared and understood; the receiver of the communication hears what is said and understands what is MEANT by the sender.

• Verbal communication conveys thoughts and feelings with the spoken word (both choice of words and tone of voice).
• Nonverbal communication expresses thoughts and feelings without words (facial expressions, body posture, hand gestures, direct or indirect eye contact, patient or impatient listening, gentle or rough touch, style of dress and clothing, apathetic or silent responses, platonic or romantic kisses, style of discipline, use of money or gifts).

Biblical Languages:

The Hebrew word dabar, which means “word,” is used in the Old Testament to express the concept of communication. It implies speaking about something. The Bible speaks to us about God and is one of the ways God speaks to us on matters pertaining to life. Old Testament language also speaks about the life-giving power of God’s Word. “He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave” (Psalm 107:20).

In New Testament Greek, logos (word) is not just “the expression of a thought, concept or idea,” but refers also to the name of an object. In the first chapter of John, “the Word” (logos) signifies the Divine Expression, Christ. “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:14)

An Initial Question:

“How can I communicate with others in a way that is most pleasing to God?” The method of communication most pleasing to God is one that reflects Jesus Christ in all you say and do. That means allowing Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life, allowing Him to express His words and actions through you.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:16–17)

This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart