Here are a few things that we must communicate to the other person:
Communicate care.
Wrong: “What’s the matter with you?”
Right: “I really care about your feelings. Are you okay?”
Open the door on the past.
Wrong: “I’ll bet you are just like your father.”
Right: “I would like to know how you felt about your father.”
Move away from manipulation.
Wrong: “If you don’t talk with me now, I’ll never speak to you again.”
Right: “When is a good time for us to talk?”
Mirror the message back.
Wrong: “I can’t believe you said that.”
Right: “I hear you saying that you feel I have rejected you. Is that Right?”
Use “I” messages instead of “you” messages.
Wrong: “You make me feel like a zero.”
Right: “I’m struggling with feeling that I am of little value to you.”
Never say “always” or “never.”
Wrong: “You never let me talk” or “You always do this…”
Right: “I feel at times that my opinions are not respected.”
Invest yourself in the other person’s security.
Wrong: “It is so frustrating trying to get you to talk to me.”
Right: “Have I made it safe for you to respond?”
Clarify when confused.
Wrong: “I can tell that you just don’t want me around.”
Right: “Would it be better if I were not here right now?”
Wrong: “I just don’t understand what you are saying.”
Right: “What I hear you saying is… Is that correct?”
Avoid arguments.
Wrong: “I totally disagree with your way of thinking.”
Right: “Help me understand your reasons for this decision.”
Trust the Lord’s timing.
Wrong: “We’re going to talk, and I mean now!”
Right: “Let’s talk when it’s convenient for you.”
Eliminate expectations.
Wrong: “I have a right to expect you to change.”
Right: “I love you and am committed to our relationship.”
This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart