Before one gets too far down the road, it is good to define a few terms that will come up on this journey of grief.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the painful emotion of sorrow caused by the loss or impending loss of anyone or anything that has deep meaning to you. “Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief” (Psalm 31:9). Grief begins in your heart as a natural response to a significant, unwanted loss.
Grief is a God-given emotion that increases with knowledge about the sorrows of life. The wiser you are about the grief that people experience, the more you yourself will grieve. “With much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief” (Ecclesiastes 1:18).
In the New Testament, the Greek word lupe means “pain of body or mind.” When Jesus told His disciples He would soon be betrayed and killed, they were filled with grief. “The disciples were filled with grief” (Matthew 17:23).
What Is Mourning?
Mourning is the process of working through the pain of sorrow that follows a significant loss. “Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning” (Lamentations 5:15).
Mourning (also called grieving), is a normal, healthy process that lasts for a period of time. God uses mourning in order to produce the ultimate healing of deep distress and sorrow. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalm 30:11).
Mourning evokes compassion and expressions of comfort from others. When Lazarus died, Jesus and many others came to comfort Mary and Martha. “Many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother” (John 11:19).
In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word abal means “to mourn or lament.” Jacob’s favorite son was Joseph. When Joseph’s brothers told their father, Jacob, that his favored son had been killed by a ferocious animal, Jacob went into deep mourning for days … and ultimately years. “Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days” (Genesis 37:34).
What Is Chronic Grief?
While we are grieving, a prevalent problem may be that we don’t want to talk about our grief or let others see our sadness. We don’t want to appear weak … so we mask our emotions! Yet if we delay sharing our sorrow, our healing will also be delayed. If we are going to be “authentically human,” we need to be able to share the truth about the heaviness in our hearts. If we have chronic grief, we are emotionally stuck, and we need to be set free. That is why Jesus’ words about truth are so freeing … even when applied to grieving. “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).
Chronic grief is an unresolved, emotional sorrow experienced over a long period of time as the result of not accepting a significant loss or not experiencing closure of that loss. “The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish” (Psalm 25:17).
Chronic grief (or incomplete grief) can also be an unresolved, deep sorrow experienced over a long period of time and characterized by misconceptions that result in a failure to move through a grief process.
Misconception: “My grief will never end.”
Correction: You will mourn for a season, and then your grief will end. “[There is] a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).
Misconception: “If I cry, I’m not strong.”
Correction: Jesus was strong, yet He wept after Lazarus died. “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35)
King David was strong, yet he and his men wept after Saul and Jonathan died. “They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan” (2 Samuel 1:12).
Misconception: “If I feel deep sorrow, I must not be trusting God.”
Correction: Christ, the Messiah, never failed to trust God, the Father, yet He was called “a man of sorrows.” “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering” (Isaiah 53:3).
What Is Repressed Grief?
Have you seen someone smiling, yet within the smile you recognized sadness? Have you heard someone laughing, though you knew the heart was not healed? This is a picture of “repressed grief.” “Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief” (Proverbs 14:13).
Repressed grief occurs when a person has reason to grieve and needs to grieve, but does not grieve.
The person with repressed grief exhibits negative lifestyle patterns but does not know why. (Examples may be distancing from others, playing the clown, using mood-altering substances like alcohol or drugs, engaging in mood-altering behaviors like gambling or compulsive spending).
Only by facing the truth of your painful losses in life and by going through genuine grief will you have emotional healing. In the Bible, the Psalmist prayed this prayer … “Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me” (Psalm 43:3).
Repressed grief can be overcome and grieving can begin when a person takes The Timeline Test.
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Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.