There are also several wrongful ways to communicate:
Disagreeable Ways: The following irresponsible and insensitive ways of communicating, often used by people who are not aware of how disagreeable this style of communication can be, become habits that do not bring glory to God. “For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths” (Proverbs 5:21).
- Am I dominating? (monopolizing or controlling conversation)
- Am I interrupting? (with a competing spirit)
- Am I nagging? (finding fault incessantly)
- Am I complaining? (making crisis or problem dominated conversation)
- Am I criticizing? (dwelling on the negative)
- Am I cutting? (making jabbing, sarcastic remarks)
- Am I ridiculing? (making another the object of laughter)
- Am I arguing? (disagreeing and disputing)
- Am I moralizing? (lecturing and giving unsolicited advice)
- Am I generalizing? (simplifying or making light of real concerns)
“An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel” (Proverbs 18:19).
Defensive Ways: These ten, usually unintentional, self-protective patterns are evasive tactics used to avoid looking at one’s own defects or imperfections. “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).
- Am I countering the one who confronts with words of denial?
- Am I evading self-examination by focusing on the faults of the other?
- Am I blaming my responses on the actions of the other person?
- Am I bringing up the other’s mistakes from the past?
- Am I rationalizing my behavior because of the circumstances?
- Am I arguing about a trivial point to evade the real issue?
- Am I changing the subject without responding to what was communicated?
- Am I refusing to talk or respond?
- Am I hiding in work activities to avoid intimacy?
- Am I choosing to ignore grievances and allowing my own feelings to fester?
“He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise” (Proverbs 15:31).
Deceptive Ways: Ten intentional versions of untruthfulness (lies and deceptions) reveal open rebellion and foolhardy denial of God’s claim on one’s life. “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception” (Proverbs 14:8).
- Am I lying? (knowingly giving wrong information/impressions)
- Am I blaming? (shifting responsibility to another)
- Am I flattering? (complimenting with hidden motives)
- Am I gossiping? (telling rumors about others)
- Am I boasting? (bragging and flattering myself)
- Am I diverting? (changing the subject)
- Am I pouting? (refusing to communicate verbally)
- Am I patronizing? (pretending to agree or give support)
- Am I discriminating? (choosing to hear only what I want to hear)
- Am I misleading? (communicating only partial truth)
“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:9–10).
This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart