Whether they are the complaints of an elderly woman, the arguments of a defensive teenager or the incessant chatter of a four-year-old, words of others are either endured or embraced. Listening is easy to fake, attentiveness is simple to pretend, but real listening requires effort.
Our self-centered tendency is to tune others out and our own thoughts in. We tend to reminisce or think about what we are going to say next. As you begin to understand that God, more often than not, communicates to you through the words of others (and through your words to others), your heart will desire to be an attentive listener. The major step to becoming a genuine listener is learning how to listen to God!
“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance” (Proverbs 1:5).
Listening to God:
Listening to God requires a belief that God loves me and desires to communicate with me. “The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness’ ” (Jeremiah 31:3).
Listening to God requires consistent reading, studying and meditating on His Word, the Bible. “My word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11).
Listening to God means regularly getting alone and giving Him my undivided attention. “He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone” (Matthew 14:23).
Listening to God is opening my heart and letting God point His finger of truth on the real me. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23–24).
Listening to God is listening carefully to others, realizing that God may be using them to communicate His personal message to me. “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10).
Listening to God is recognizing the presence of the Holy Spirit within me and responding to His guidance for communicating with others. “But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26).
Listening to Other People:
Listen with focused attention.
- Don’t interrupt!
- Don’t let emotions of anger override your thinking.
- Don’t begin thinking of how you are going to respond.
- Don’t be quick to answer.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
(James 1:19)
- Do… Hear feelings that are being expressed (look beyond the content to the context).
- Do… Try to empathize with the feelings of the other.
- Do… Reflect (repeat or paraphrase, when appropriate) what is being said and/or felt.
- Do… Maintain eye contact.
“He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
Listen without judging.
- Don’t criticize.
- Don’t show contempt or disgust.
- Don’t communicate your opinions.
- Don’t react in ways that will put another in a defensive position.
“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
- Do… Allow another to grumble and complain.
Do… Allow expression of negative feelings.
Do… Release your own ideas of what is right.
Do… Recognize that you also can be negative and discontented.
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).
Listen without dispensing advice.
- Don’t give premature answers.
- Don’t repeat platitudes and clichés.
- Don’t quote Scripture.
- Don’t laugh or make fun of another’s feelings.
“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).
- Do… Take seriously the words of another.
- Do… Help others to discover their own answers.
- Do… Realize that attentive listening is more important than talking.
- Do… Realize that most people are not really seeking advice.
“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue” (Proverbs 17:28).
Listen without becoming defensive.
- Don’t expect others to have your point of view.
- Don’t argue when you disagree with what is being said.
- Don’t return an insult with an insult.
- Don’t avoid the negative feedback of others.
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11).
- Do… Display acceptance even when you disagree with another’s words.
- Do… Look for the kernel of truth when confronted by another.
- Do… Focus on points of agreement instead of differences.
- Do… Seek to understand how your emotions are affecting your communication. Seek to understand, not just to be understood.
“Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called” (1 Peter 3:8–9).
Listen with humility.
- Don’t see humility as a weakness.
- Don’t seek your own recognition and praise.
- Don’t become easily provoked.
- Don’t have a know-it-all attitude.
“A man’s pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor” (Proverbs 29:23).
- Do… Desire God’s approval, knowing that you are His beloved child.
- Do… Seek to serve others.
- Do… Value advice from others.
- Do… Be quick to overlook an offense.
“He who covers over an offense promotes love” (Proverbs 17:9).
Listen with love.
- Don’t close your heart to another.
- Don’t tune out unpleasant conversation.
- Don’t find ways to avoid conversation.
- Don’t communicate impatience or boredom.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart” (Proverbs 3:3).
- Do … Listen with a heart of compassion.
- Do … Listen with unconditional acceptance.
- Do … Listen with an attitude of respect.
- Do … Listen for underlying feelings. Empathy binds us together.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7).
This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart