We are created to have relationships. God’s desire is not only that we enjoy a personal relationship with Him, but that we develop and experience loving relationships with other people. However, our sinfulness often gets in the way. Remember Adam’s response when God called out to him in the garden? It could be paraphrased something like,
“I heard You seek to communicate with me, but knowing I had disobeyed, I was afraid You wouldn’t love me anymore. It seemed better to hide so You couldn’t see the truth. Actually, it’s not my fault! The companion You gave me caused the whole problem.”
Adam began acting out sin by seeking to meet his needs for love, for significance and for security in the way he thought best.
“The LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He answered, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.’ And he said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?’ The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it’ ” (Genesis 3:9–12).
So ask yourself, “Why is it often difficult to have healthy communication within close relationships?”
Healthy, mature communication is the revelation of our true selves to someone who cares about us. Risk of rejection can be so intense that we learn different ways to hide our fears and self-doubts. We may not be aware of the destructive habits that were often formed in childhood and that stayed with us into adulthood. Yet they remain established responses that block honest and sincere communication with others.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).
Hidden Agendas: Am I allowing God to meet my emotional needs for love, for significance and for security? Am I resting in the assurance of my God-given self-worth? When I know that I have all I need in Christ, my heart becomes free to focus on the needs of others. Only then will Christ communicate His sincere love through me. Search your own heart. Are you free to love others or are you still in bondage, trying to get your own needs met through self-focused, hidden agendas?
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)
- I will receive love if I hide my faults, stuff my feelings, look good, become popular, give gifts, flatter those around me and am always willing to please or help others.
- I will have significance if I deny my failures, appear superior, dominate, judge and criticize others, point out faults, perform well, get attention or impress others.
- I will be secure if I conceal my fears, deny my anger, avoid conflict, shade the truth, withhold trust, dodge vulnerability, require certain conditions and, above all, stay in control.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:3–5).
Hiding Places: Since I want to appear perfect, but know I am not, it is often easier to avoid communication. I don’t want others to see that I am anxious, fearful, hurting, angry, concerned or experiencing failure. Although the following rationalizations are defense mechanisms we often use to avoid revealing “the real me” to our loved ones, we can never hide who we are from God.
“ ‘Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the LORD. ‘Do not I fill heaven and earth?’ ” (Jeremiah 23:24)
- “What good would it do to talk about it?”
- “Why start an argument?”
- “I can handle this on my own.”
- “I don’t want to worry her.”
- “I’m uncomfortable talking about my problems.”
- “We didn’t talk about these kinds of things in our family.”
- “I’m probably too sensitive.”
- “Humor is the best way to avoid sensitive subjects.”
- “I don’t have an outgoing personality.”
- “Women are supposed to be more expressive than men.”
Heart of the Matter: Your willingness to become a more loving communicator will be dependent on your basic belief system. You may think you want to develop closer, more honest relationships, but if your emotions still need confirmation from others, your communication will be self-focused and insincere.
Wrong Belief: “I feel unworthy and inadequate. If I let others know who I really am, I risk their disapproval and rejection.” By-products of this thinking are: low self-worth, apathy, bitterness, selfishness, insecurity, anger, resentment, pride.
Right Belief: My heart overflows with love, significance and security in the Lord Jesus Christ. I don’t need the approval and acceptance of others to have a God-given sense of self-worth. Therefore, I am free to communicate honestly and openly with others. By-products of this thinking are:
- a heart that can be honest before God
- a heart that can be honest with others
- a heart that can see the needs of others
- a heart that can communicate God’s love to others
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)
With Christ in you:
The motivation to withdraw, to be bitter, and blame, to use silence or shame, to interrupt and complain is changed to…
The motivation to reach out, to listen with care, to be loving and fair, to serve others and share! — June Hunt
This series is largely based on my reading of Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart